Good news from the cellphone front gave Thomas Malthus's Gloomy Gus ideology another hit today. Dr. Devra Lee Davis, and I use the term "Dr." loosely, tries to scare us in her book Disconnect into thinking that the microwave radiation that cellphones emit is dangerous to American humans, especially babies. When was the last time you saw a baby talking on a cellphone? We had a similar radiation scares in the 50's and 60's. Remember Godzilla and "Duck and Cover?" Well, sorry to say, most of us are still here. We ducked and covered, and no paper mache Japanese monster or invisible waves or anything else made us glow in the dark. We are Americans. We are survivors. So, Dr. Davis and assorted Swedes, don't try to scare us now with this cellphone radiation crap.
The worst that a little microwave radiation could do would be to kill a few weaklings and improve our gene pool, making us more resistant to microwaves. Some of the ridiculous safety regulations burdening the microwave oven industry could be removed. Another benefit would be an additional constraint upon the population, removing primarily those who aren't fit to be here. It would also decrease some liberals' perceived need to have abortions. If your pregnancy has you upset, don't go rushing to the abortion doctor; just be patient and give your baby a cellphone. If your kid is strong, he will survive, and you'll be happy you didn't abort the little bugger, who will be there to support you when there is no more Social Security. The survival of the strong will improve the quality of our population and maybe even solve the concussion problem many of the weaker NFL players are whining about. Better people will mean thicker skulls, firmer, more entrenched brains and, consequently, less squishing around upon impact. The strengthening of the American person through cellphone use is sure to have other positive benefits, but I will not go into these now, because I am not a doctor yet.
Considering all the positive benefits of cellphone radiation, we should not have a left knee jerk reaction to a problem that doesn't exist. There is no need for big governmental regulation. We must use the legislative machinery sparingly, only to protect society's most vulnerable, like the unborn and corporations. For example, there is no need for a law to prevent a parent from giving a cellphone to a baby, but pregnant mothers should not be permitted to attempt abortions by holding cellphones against their bellies. This is nothing more than common sense and compassionate Conservatism at its best.
The only problematic aspect of this issue is what we should do about those who have an adverse reaction to cellphones but are too strong to die quickly. The following short video offers a possible solution.
Glenn Beck today reported that Paul Krugman is about to launch a movement to make "Yes! We Have No Bananas" the Official National Anthem. Beck stated that obviously he was not opposed to the change merely because of Mr. Krugman's liberal bias. It is well known that Francis Scott Keynes, the author of The Star Spangled Banner's lyrics was a well-known liberal economist who set aside his un-American beliefs in an alcohol-fueled fit of patriotic fervor to write the inspiring lyrics. Unknown setters then set those lyrics to the moving, and at the time popular, British Drinking Song, "Yes! We Have Salted Peanuts" to create an anthem unmatched in the panoply of national anthems. Even though I must side with Mr. Beck, who, as usual, is right, in the spirit of American fairness, may the best song win!
Thomas Friedman sank to a new low in his November 16, 2010 column concerning President Obama's upcoming $2 billion trip to India, a trip that will cost $200 million a day. Friedman indicated that such reputable journalists as Matt Drudge, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Michael Savage reported that the trip would include 34 warships and 3,000 people. India’s Press Trust apparently failed to swear on a stack of Bhagavad Gitas that “an alleged Indian provincial official, from the Indian state of Maharashtra" supplied this information. I see no reason for Mr. Friedman to impugn the journalistic integrity of either the Press Trust or the aforementioned journalists. After all, Maharashtra is a genuine Indian state, and there is no evidence that any of its unknown provincial officials are liars. So kudos to Beck, Limbaugh, Drudge, and Savage for not lowering their standards with the gratuitous doubt of an unknown official, to whom Mr Friedman might considering apologizing. Why check facts just to please a few skeptics? What can we expect next, the flat earther Friedman to attack the Unknown Soldier?
ATLANTA — Some people placed emergency calls reporting heart attacks, others rushed in a panic to buy bread and residents of western border villages staggered from their homes and dashed for safety in Alabama — all after a television station in Georgia broadcast a mock newscast on Saturday night that pretended to report on a Liberal invasion of the state.
The program was evidently intended as political satire, but the depiction was sufficiently realistic — and tales of Sherman's March to the Sea still sufficiently vivid — that viewers headed for the doors before they could absorb the point.
Producers at (FOX) WAGA-TV5 taped the episode in the studio normally used for the evening news broadcast, using an anchor familiar to the audience, and then broadcast the show at 8 p.m. Saturday with an initial disclaimer that many viewers apparently did not understand.
Looking nervous and fumbling with papers as if juggling the chaos of a breaking news story, the anchor announced that sporadic fighting had begun on the streets of Atlanta, that Liberal bombers were airborne and heading for Georgia, that troops were skirmishing to the north and that a battalion of monkeys riding dinosaurs was reported to be on the move.
The broadcast showed dinosaurs rumbling down a road, along with jerky images of alleged evolutionary missing links parachuting out of the sky and dropping bombs sporting the inscrutable inscription "Fat Chimp."
“People went into a panic,” Laura Lackey, a former director of the Miss Georgia Pageant, said in a telephone interview from Clarkston. She compared the mock news broadcast and its effect on the population to the radio depiction of an invasion from Mars in Orson Welles’ adaptation of “War of the Worlds.”
Lines formed at gas stations in Georgia and cellphone service crashed under the weight of panicky calls, the authorities said. The frantic buying in the capital made real at least a part of the fake news report, which had described similar scenes unfolding.
In Columbus, where all four restaurants were packed on Saturday night, rumors swirled of a Liberal invasion, led by the reincarnation of Teddy Kennedy. Adding to the alarm, when people reached for their electronic media, all they got was "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me."
When contacted, Boy George denied any involvement in the incident.
“If you hear that war started, of course you run for the bank machine, then run home, it’s natural,” Rahmo Sahid, a taxi driver in Clarkston, said in a telephone interview, describing the scene as “a little chaos” that lasted for about three hours. The radio station Echo of the Klan reported that residents of Griswoldville, a city that Sherman particularly traumatized, left their apartment for the streets as the news anchor read bulletins about the approach of the dinosaur-riding monkeys that many of them had feared since visiting the state-of-the-art Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky, located just seven miles west of the Cincinnati Airport.
Some of the video shown during the show was real file footage of monkeys and dinosaurs with mock voiceovers.
Democratic leaders called the show a maneuver by Georgia’s governor, Sonny Perdue, to discredit his political rivals, because the broadcast depicted the opposition as collaborating with the invading monkeys. The director of WAGA-TV5 is a former official in Mr. Perdue's government, and his recently married brother and sister are running his chicken farms for him while he is in Atlanta.
“The government’s treatment of its own people is outrageous,” said Nancy Pelosi, a Democratic leader whom the mock newscast depicted as greeting the monkeys with a smile, according to Fox News.
WAGA is a privately owned television station. After the broadcast, a spokeswoman for Governor Perdue condemned the program for frightening viewers, but said that he still loved Rupert Murdoch. On Sunday, Mr. Perdue repeated the criticism, but he added that the show had frightened people precisely because it portrayed a realistic future for Georgia if the Liberals had their way.
“I believe yesterday’s report will become an obstacle to them fulfilling their plans, despite the nervous reaction,” he said Sunday, according to Fox News. The Governor had previously criticized Liberals for spreading the rumor that people evolved from monkeys, who now were intent on a liberal, progressive agenda of devolution.
Mr. Perdue has no say over what WAGA broadcasts, except for its chicken commercials, which are protected as corporate free speech under the first amendment. The television station clearly identified the program as fictitious before the broadcast began but did not take into account the fact that Georgia schools have been using Texas textbooks to educate their citizens. Also, viewers who tuned in later would have had to rely on clues. Those textbooks consider clues to be facts, which means that they are merely theoretical distractions if not deemed intelligently designed by the Texas State Board of Education.
The fighting in the video was taking place in the summer, for example, not in March. This should have been a clue, because only 37 people in Georgia are aware of the possibility of global warming, and those 37 would not have had time to get out the word, which might have been ignored anyway. The report sketched a scenario in which Liberals intervened to quell domestic unrest in Atlanta after Pinecrest Academy allegedly proved that intelligent design not only discredited Darwin's theory of evolution but showed that Negroes were part of a 'stupid design' plan that God junked in the draft stage but that subsequently demoted Liberal Angels maliciously implemented behind His usually omniscient back when He was intoxicated. In the show, President Obama was shown striding to a microphone at the White House, with the voiceover explaining that he was announcing sanctions against Georgia.
This further inflamed the already flaming Georgians. As the extent of the disruption it had caused quickly became clear, WAGA ran a crawl clarifying that the newscast was a simulation and apologizing.
The panic lasted about 55 minutes, said Shota Ogota, the director of the Department of Fairness and Balance at Fox News. Paramedics on Saturday evening reported three times the typical number of emergency calls, many for heart attack symptoms, he said.
“There was quite a scare,” Governor Perdue said. "The Liberals did not prevail. Praise the Lord."
Former football manager Rudi Assauer let us know in an exclusive interview that the famous Sigmund Freud quote, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," is not true. Assauer said, "Not only did Freud never say that, but it is not true that the cigar is just the cigar. To me, it is the cock of my old Samoan-American friend, Esera Tuaolo. Here. I will show you a photograph of us together during one of the best weeks of my life, when I was able to get away from the primitive Eurotrash who usually surround me.
"When I was with my friend Esera and the wonderfully masculine American footballers I was able to let my feminine side out and show the world who I really am. Not only did we have such fun that week, but I experienced the best sex of my life with Esera, who, shall I say, 'expanded my horizons' in a way I had never before experienced."
So I say, 'There is no place in football for gays' because European footballers are so preciously, mincingly masculine, prancing around in their little speedos. They are not at all like the Americans, who I found to be good and simple and hard. I would never, as the Americans say, 'put out' for any of these disingenuously homophobic European sissies even though so many of them probably would love for me to suck their little cocks like I do my cigars. That's why I say ridiculous things like, 'I never in my life met a gay person.' I will humor these idiots for as long as I'm here. Then, when I'm ready, I'll go back to America, where I can wear my little black dress with pride. I hope to find a real man like Esera and happily live out my life being who I really am."
Good luck to you Rudi. We wish you well.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
New Cialis Wonder Drug a Big Thing
Eli Lilly introduced a powerful new product today, called Cialis Weiner, in honor of Anthony Weiner, the heroic Member of the U. S. House of Representatives from New York's Ninth District. Weiner was the first member of the legislative branch in more than thirty years to risk offending the notoriously sensitive Republican Party. He hurt their feeling when he said, "You guys have chutzpah. The Republican Party is the wholly owned subsidiary of the insurance industry. They say this isn't going to do enough, but when we propose an alternative to provide competition, they’re against it. They say we want to strengthen state insurance commissioners and they'll do the job. But when we did that in our national health care bill, they said we’re against it. They said we want to have competition but when we proposed requiring competition they’re against it. They’re a wholly owned subsidiary of the insurance industry. That's the fact!" Weiner's words were particularly hurtful to Rep. Dan Lungren, who repeatedly pleaded for the Speaker to "take down" the words before they hurt him any more.
Checking the facts, we discovered that Mr. Weiner's allegation is not true. For example, Mr. Weiner is well aware that the Bush Administration, with much jubilant legislative support, provided many sophisticated, fun weapons to Saudi Arabia, some of whose members like flying around in our fighter jets while others write checks for Osama bin Laden and his merry band of goatherds. Republicans and many Democrats don't support the Saudis with the intention of harming Americans. It is just an unfortunate side effect of these Representatives and Senators being partially owned by the armaments industry. This means that the insurance industry could not possibly wholly own the Republican Party. I would say that Mr. Weiner owes us an apology.
Even so, Mr. Weiner did demonstrate that he has a big wiener, and Eli Lilly's decision to name its new product after him is understandable. The debate over the spelling of the product's name may delay its widespread distribution, but considering how important the drug is to American men, that is doubtful. English teachers across the United States have complained to Lilly that spelling the product "Weiner" instead of "Wiener" will confuse our highly literate and politically aware population, causing many men to believe that the drug might chemically circumcise them or turn them Jewish or do both. Lilly, however, is confident that its advertising campaign will overcome this "minor glitch."
Cialis Weiner promises to be a blessing for all you guys whose clogged arteries cause your limp, little lad to hide in your pants while you watch TV, munching Big Macs and fries when your friends come to the door to invite him to come out and play. You no longer have to long for the day that you can be with skanky hos like the ones you see on late night TV. You know, the ones who explain that guys who are "giggle, giggle, little, giggle" really turn them off, making them wish they were anywhere else, like with a zucchini or home reading Principia Mathematica or something. Even though all guys want girls like that to fulfill their wildest fantasies, with Cialis Weiner you will move to the head of the long line for their services. And a big bonus is that Cialis Weiner contains genetically modified bubonic plague bacteria that is harmless to you but will kill any sexually transmitted diseases, even the nastiest ones.
So don't keep your little lad grounded any longer. If you want him to get swole fast, call 886-441-3070. Say "Eeborg says you can get my lad swole fast," and you will get a 15% discount. This offer is good until February 25, 2020.
Amy Bishop, the prime suspect in the shooting deaths of three of her colleagues at the University of Alabama last Friday, is a tragic tale of science gone wrong. Those who describe Amy Bishop as an awkward, introverted oddball miss the deeper meaning this tragic story has to tell us all. Her profession demanded that she regularly appear before young women and men, inappropriately exposing not only her body, but her rational mind to those around her.
Her valiant attempt to override a woman's natural inclination to stay away from masculine disciplines such as science, mathematics, and vigorous sports was not sufficient to overcome the side effects of such inappropriate involvement, as described in the Clinical Handbook of Psychological Disorders. For example, "The percentage of the female brain dedicated to rational thought is far smaller than that equipped to handle whimsy, seduction, cooking, and other feminine matters. Extended overuse of such a small area can cause it to burn out as though one were to try to use a AAA battery to run a refrigerator."
The unfortunate Ms. Bishop appears to have been a victim of our rush to fill the vacuum left by so many men deserting the fields of mathematics and science to find careers in the NFL, NBA, and Rock and Roll. Many so-called progressives in certain backward societies, such as China and Europe, argue that not using the brainpower of women is tantamount to wasting one half of a society's potential. If the brainpower they are talking about is women's power to deal with scientific and other rational problems, most neuroscientists would agree that it is more like wasting 5%. Not "wasting" that 5% will throw many women into situations so demanding that they will burn out like Amy Bishop did or worse. Who then knows how many innocent men will be shot and how many will suffer from not having someone to cook for them? These women, now truly wasted, will not be available to tend to the needs of men, who, with a little feminine help, could have made important contributions in fields like intelligent design and fantasy football, allowing America to maintain its preeminence in the world.
Democrats, seemingly blind to this problem, continue to waste America's resources on voodoo science like global warming and toxicology. Those of us more inclined to rationally evaluate the evidence are far more willing to trust the former to God and the latter to Monsanto, where they belong. Let us concentrate our rational powers on fine-tuning the most intelligently designed society in an intelligently designed world. Some ask me, "Eeborg, why do you believe in intelligent design, when it can't be disproved?" I answer, "Who do you think I am, Karl Popper? If it can't be disproved, then obviously it's true. If science were a matter of trial and error, we'd be making mistakes all the time. We've taken the error out of science by removing the possibility of the falsification of our propositions. Let Karl go back to his friend Orville Redenbacher and leave the science to us. What we assert no man can disprove."
The backward countries do not believe this and are even accelerating their headlong rush into so-called science like global warming, which is open to falsification. Why waste so much in the pursuit of something that might not even exist? They will feel like such fools if it turns out that the world is not heating up and those Pacific islands are really sinking because so much water actually is freezing and expanding, causing the sea level to rise as giant, unseen ice cubes proliferate under our proverbial noses. Oh, well; it's their decision.
Having decided to immerse ourselves in unfalsifiable reality and pragmatism, one thing many of us true heartland Americans are coming to believe is that we have much to learn from our Islamic brethren. We can't disprove what they believe just as they can't disprove what we believe, and obviously, we can't both be wrong. So, we are equally scientific and should look at where our ground is common. Let us return to the issue of women.
The well-known author and fallen Islamic princess, Jacqueline Pascarl, finally has let us know what women want, explaining, "I learnt that the primary reason women are required by Islamic societies (the majority of which are patriarchal) to swathe themselves in fabrics and cover their collar bones, necks, arms, legs, ankles, calves, chests, elbows, shoulders, throats, thighs, ears, napes of necks, hair and in some cases, faces, is that women are culturally condemned to the role of seductress and are considered untrustworthy, immoral humans, driven to tempt men and bring down the bastions of male self-control. The fine shape of an ankle, or a tendril of hair – a glimpse of which can send a mere male into a sexual frenzy, are the tools of seduction. In essence and to outline it crudely – the veil, much lauded by so called Islamic teachings, is a protection for men against we voracious vixens of the mortal world. Not, as so many pundits state, a protection for women against men."
If American men had been aware of the intentions of the voracious vixens among us, we no doubt would have tried to cover them up to prevent the persistently recurring sexual frenzy that plagues us. We might have been spared many sad episodes, such as those involving Tiger Woods, Warren Beatty, Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich and Woody Allen, strong men, all of whom succumbed to immoral, voracious vixens in their midsts. And if, in addition, a liberal and unreasonably demanding society had not tricked women into the study of unsuitable subjects, Amy Bishop wouldn't have cracked under the pressure of brain strain and the embarrassing exposure of her body and mind.
It is not too late to act. Before it becomes necessary to pass laws governing the behavior of women, let's see if they can't restrain themselves. They should allow men to concentrate on science and other masculine pursuits while they engage in what is safe for them to do without excessively taxing their brains. While engaged in feminine, frivolous pursuits, women should be considerate enough to cover up as much of their bodies as possible so that we men, who remain so feebly vulnerable to the charms that God gave them, may concentrate on the real work that will keep America the greatest civilization the universe ever has seen.
By far the biggest story of the century took an unexpectedly expected turn yesterday when Tiger Woods made a public apology, openly admitting that he had engaged in multiple extramarital affairs. Even though the women in the audience refused to wear the burkhas they were offered, Mr. Woods admirably restrained himself, mopped his brow, and said everything he was supposed to. He surprised some in the audience by taking full blame for his actions, until we realized it was just a little levity to lighten the atmosphere, a deft touch, demonstrating again why women find this tiger irresistible.
Here is a man who repeatedly has shown that he can hit a small, dimpled ball fewer times than anybody else in the world and still get it in as many holes as anyone. From an early age, he incessantly has practiced in order to groove a precision stroke that will be of service to him in any situation. All that effort paid off. Why does it surprise anyone that he would attempt to do the same thing in other areas of his life? I've yet to hear one person suggest that this fine specimen of American manhood actually might have engaged in all of the recent, maligned, strenuous activity in order to more perfectly satisfy his wife. Practice does make perfect. Just a suggestion.
Not everyone has bad things to say about Mr. Woods. Here is a representative sampling of what some very important people had to say:
Nike president Phil Knight: "We wouldn't even consider dropping him. This is great for our shoes. What does it say about our shoes that if you wear them you can get out of a golf cart, hit a ball, get back in the cart, drive to the ball, get out, hit the ball, ad infinitum, ad nauseam. Now people will think, 'Wow I'm gonna get me some of these shoes and chase down all kinds of pussy just like Tiger.' Go get'm Tiger. We couldn't have scripted it any better."
Britney Spears: "How come he never hit on me?"
Bill Clinton: "Don't look at me. I did not have sex with these women.............Define sex."
Newt Gingrich: "Cheating on a hot babe like Elin? When she wasn't even in the hospital? It's immoral."
Jaimee Grubbs: "He's got nothing to apologize for. I was on 'Tool Academy.' I had to know how tools worked. He showed me how his worked. No big deal."
Sicilian-born Playboy model Loredana Jolie Ferriolo, known as Woods' mistress number 10: "He was just going to show me how to play golf. I thought he said 'HOLE number 10.' My Uncle Vito is not happy about this."
These mostly unpaid testimonials demonstrate clearly that this issue is not black and white, as the majority of Americans can see. We are aware that Tiger Woods, along with our big stash of nuclear weapons, is the main thing we have going for us nowadays. With Tiger around, foreigners, instead of calling us 'The Great Satan,' are as likely to say, 'Ah, America, the Land of Tiger.' Those of us who wish to see the United States remain part of the world agree that we should not give up on our Tiger. That would leave us only with the nukes, inspiring fear among our earthly neighbors instead of the love that we so ardently crave. We want to be able to say, "Y'all like us. You really like us."
So we were happy to see that an HCD research survey showed that 61 percent of women and 58 percent of men thought Tiger's apology was sincere. The percentage of women probably is meaningful since 27 percent of them not only knew him, but also had sex with him. As one of them said, "To know know know him is to love love love him." Statisticians think that the percentage of men willing to forgive him actually is higher than 58 percent because many men are still miffed about the whole to-do. Tiger's recent actions only heightened our awareness of our own pathetic lack of money, power, and concomitant sex appeal. But most of us should get over it. I know I am trying.
In conclusion, here is an abridged version of Tiger's apology. I will be surprised if you are not touched and more than willing to forgive him:
"I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in....
"I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish. Ask any married man. They would be able to tell you....
"People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife, Erin. I didn't do them to her. I did them to other women....
"Some people have speculated that Ella somehow hurt or attacked me with a drumstick on Thanksgiving night. This couldn't have been true because, incompetent cook that she is, she burnt the turkey, and I had to throw it out....
"My wife Elise has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. She deserves praise, though not for her sexual prowess....
"I knew my actions were wrong but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. And they didn't. It's just that Eva made a scene and I got caught. Unfortunate....
"I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them, and they will still be there when things get back to normal. I don't rule out that it will be this year."
Elvis Stojko, twice Olympic silver medalist for Canada, the country just to the north of the United States, called last night "The night they killed figure skating." Evan Lysacek of the United States, defeated Evgeni Plushenko of Russia, the country just to the left of the United States, for the gold medal. In Stojko's opinion, "Lysacek skated slow and his jumps weren’t close to the technical ability of defending Olympic champion Evgeni Plushenko." He favorably compared the athletic performance of Plushenko to the very pretty performance of Lysacek, concluding, "Figure skating gets no respect because of outcomes like this. More feathers, head-flinging and so-called step sequences done at walking speed – that’s what the system wants.
"I am going to watch hockey, where athletes are allowed to push the envelope. A real sport."
I must, however, disagree with Stojko. Even though putting on skates causes me to fall over, I do have eyes and the right to disagree with any individual from Canada, a cold, barren place where people, when sober, entertain themselves by clubbing seals and pushing stones across the ice while they run in front of them, sweeping madly. It is a country that is not number one on the vacation lists of most people not residing in psychiatric hospitals. Even so, I must disagree with Mr. Stojko's wrong opinion.
We in America appreciate beauty and find that beauty and athletics are not mutually exclusive. For instance, we find part of baseball's charm lying in each very long break between frenetic episodes of action, when players have time to meditatively scratch their steroid-shrunken testicles while waiting for the next bout of activity. We also love the tight-fitting football uniforms that maximize the definition and seductive sinewiness of each player's gluteus maximus. Athleticism and aesthetics are both parts of the foundation of our sporting edifice.
Therefore, we are more apt to produce a beautiful skater like Evan Lysacek than we are to produce a wildly spinning Plushenko, who agrees with Stojko's opinion and has said that a male skater should not be able to win the gold medal without being able to perform a quad jump. Men's figure skating is not a jumping competition. It should continue to be decided by judges who pretty much have their minds made up before the competition begins, depending on such important factors as politics, popularity, and how much they are paid.
Classy guy that Plushenko is, he declined to complain any more when we asked him to, and he walked off into the Vancouver night to enjoy the fun activities that Canada offers. Watch out seals!
David Barstow's excellent article in today's New York Times shows that The Tea Party is a movement whose time has come. History repeatedly has shown that a small, minority movement that the majority of people in a given culture find harmless and ridiculous may be neither. Sometimes such a movement strikes enough of a chord with enough of the population to wind up playing a tune that the aforementioned deriders wind up dancing to. Look at a certain party in 1930's Germany or the Republican Party in 2010 Massachusetts. These are just two among many. It seems that the Tea Party is about to join them.
Picking up momentum, the Party had Assistant Dragon in Charge of Advertising, Jerry Gierrechoff, come up with a new flag that already is a rousing hit. Heinz Edelmann, the 14-faceted creator of Pepperland, loved the flag's look, comparing its background to the color he used in "Yellow Submarine," except more uriney. Gary Gadsden, descendant of Christopher Gadsden, whose flag the new Tea Party flag resembles, laughed, "Old Chris must be spinning like a top, but he supposedly had a great sense of humor and would probably come back to give a speech to the Party if they'd agree to pay him a hundred thousand dollars. Ha, ha." A good sense of humor apparently runs in the family.
Mr. Gierrechoff told us that the flag's release is an indication that the Party wants to clarify its message. He said, "Glenn Beck has great American sponsors like General Motors, Campbell's, and Chrysler, who make great products and aren't connected to the Jewish bankers and green hippies who want to bring this country down. And ditto for the good oil people who support Sarah Palin. These people not only pump energy and money into the economy, but they actually write a lot of the laws that help us, the good laws, not the welfare and death panel laws that Obama and those people want. So if they're already writing the laws, do we really need Congress? Maybe all we need is a government that will help these good companies to govern us better and protect our liberties. We're all for more freedom for the police and the military.
"Look, most of our party's members got really scared after 9/11, and we agreed to give up our rights because we trusted George Bush and Dick Cheney to protect us. And, except for 9/11, they did. But we wouldn't have agreed to give the executive branch so much power if we'd known that the Homeland would go crazy and elect a Negro Socialist President. I mean, I have nothing against Negroes or even against National Socialists. We invite them to join our party. A lot of people come to our meetings, and we need food to be served and the place cleaned up, and Negroes, Mexicans and other servant-type people are genetically good at that. A lot of us in the Party are educated in science, you know. Sarah Palin, in particular, is a promoter of science.
"So what I'm trying to say is that we want a kind of rainbow coalition with the light colors on top and a pot of gold at the end. You know, we've already got a lot of thinkers in this party, and now we need some doers to do what we're thinking, and we invite all races to join us, even Moslems, if they agree to get baptized and eat pork, which real Americans should do. Heck, where would Osama bin Laden be if he didn't have people to go blow themselves up for him? We need good people too." Mr. Gierrechoff's reasoning impressed me, and I agreed that people of color should not hesitate to join the Tea Party and help all the good companies that govern us do a better job. So, what are you waiting for? Join up already people.
The shocking photograph that surfaced this week of Danica Patrick consorting with the Devil shook up the racing community and many others. The criticism was widespread and included more than just the religious and political guardians of our morality.
An unnamed representative of Domino's Pizza ("So ketchupy it CAN'T be cardboard"), which had considered joining in the sponsorship of Ms. Patrick's Andretti Green Racing, stated, "We always had reservations about sponsoring her, not because she's a woman or anything, but what if she got pregnant or something and couldn't fit behind the wheel? Then where would we be? But now, with this Devil thing........ How could we even consider it? I mean, the Devil causes stuff like abortions and homeless people who didn't even eat our pizza to puke on the street and things like that. We just couldn't sign with her now. I'm sorry."
Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards's wonderfully hirsute lovechild, was incensed when she heard the criticism of Patrick. She said, "These people, living in glass houses, throwing stones. They don't know what it's like. When Satan possessed me to get together with John, there was nothing I could do to stop it. God didn't help out. Where was He, on vacation in the Bahamas or Las Vegas or something? He could have been here to give me a hand. If these hypercritical bastards think it was a matter of choice or a lack of free will, they're crazy. Did they ever have the Devil, in person, right in front of them, telling them what to do? I doubt it. He's a pretty impressive guy, and you don't want to piss him off. So I said, 'OK I'll do what you say. Just don't have God send me to hell or anything. OK?' So he says, 'OK,' and I did what he told me.
"Now I've got this great kid, and John seems to still really like me, and Elizabeth, who scares the crap out of both of us even more than Satan does, seems to be out of the picture. OK, so what I did might not have been the greatest thing, but it turned out OK, and I had to figure it all out without any so-called 'divine guidance,' for all that s#!t is worth. So don't criticize Dana Patrick until you've had the Devil right in your face the way she and I have. And that sex tape the FBI supposedly has, the one with me and John and Pat Robertson? That horny old bastard was the worst part of the deal. Well, that will never see the light of day. A lot of people would go blind if they saw it. Talk about a terrorist act. The FBI would never hear the end of it."
When we asked Ms. Patrick, herself, about the photograph of her and the Devil, she explained, "I had no idea it was the Devil. I just met this cute guy on the beach, and we got a little flirty. Nothing happened. We were just screwing around. He said, 'Take off your top and say "Go Daddy," and I'll show you a trick.' I'm a sucker for tricks and magic and all that stuff. So I took off my top, said, "Go Daddy," and he showed me the neat levitation trick you saw in the picture. That's it. End of story. Nothing else happened. He didn't look happy that that's all that happened, but that's it. I've got no more to tell you."
Oddsmakers in Las Vegas, however, were not convinced. They thought that Ms. Patrick's relationship with the Devil might give her an unfair advantage in her NASCAR debut race. So they called Nassim Taleb to see what he had to say, and he reportedly told them to "not think so linearly. It's a complex situation, and just because she had contact with the Devil doesn't mean that He's going to help her. OK? He's a devious son-of-a-bitch, and you never know what he's going to do. He makes markets crash. He turns swans black. OK? He makes you think things are all random. Don't think you can predict him. OK? If I were you, I'd go ahead and take the action and wouldn't even bother changing the line. OK?" As usual, Nassim was right. The books took the action without changing the line, and thick smoke that Danica described as "looking like it came from hellfire" caused her to crash and finish 35th. The bookmakers all made a killing on the late money that came in on Danica from the suckers who thought they knew what the Devil was going to do.
It's reported that Pat Robertson lost another 50 grand. He's having a bad week. Pray for him.
Jerome Corsi, one of the most intelligent people in the Republican Party, today adduced new evidence that the 2008 Presidential election was rigged. Mr. Corsi has continued to research the events surrounding the election even though the powers that be have ignored his intellectually compelling argument that a group of relatively large islands more than 2,300 miles from the coast of California could not possibly ever have been part of the United States. He clearly demonstrated in powerpoint presentations that those islands, each of which is poorly designed for travel, would have taken more than 6,000 years, the age of the earth, to travel 2,300 miles, even if fitted with outboard motors. Therefore, there is no way Barack Obama could be a citizen even if he was older than 6,000, and that is impossible because the universe wasn't even in existence then. He makes a persuasive argument that any reasonable jury of Heartlanders would find irresistible if this dispute had occurred in a court of law.
But his new assertion carries even more weight. Would-be McCain voters have come forth to testify that Democrats used a scientific study to unfairly persuade them to cast their lots in with Obama. The Santa Lucia Foundation in Rome, Italy, determined that mice who liked chocolate and then underwent a period of starvation before returning to their normal weights would ignore mild electric shocks in order to obtain chocolate. This was in contrast to fat, chocolate-loving mice who had never suffered and would not brave the shock in order to obtain chocolate. Paid Democratic scientists, who also support the myth of global warming, reasoned that they could use this test to persuade whites who had suffered, or whose ancestors had suffered, to override the considerable shock of even seeing a black candidate to actually vote for that candidate.
The Democratic elite was well aware that a lot of whites suffered at the hands of black people, both in the recent past, by having their Cadillacs or women stolen, and as far back as prior to 1865, when more than dozens of slaves shirked their duties or were unruly, causing their masters to actually have to work. Prior to the bad behavior, however, the masters liked their slaves and treated them very well, sometimes helping them to make babies. "Science, particularly past life regression" said Mr. Corsi, "has made it clear that many white people still have painful genetic memories of those traumatic events and that such events are particularly confusing when concatenated with the affection they felt for their slaves.
"Therefore, their post traumatic stress naturally would prevent them from voting for a melanic candidate such as Mr. Obama. However, the Italian study convinced the Democrats that offering white people ObamaBars, delicious, dark, bedeviled chocolate candy bars made in a Voodoo-style image of the President,
would persuade them to overcome their negative feelings and vote for Mr. Obama. These innocent looking, mouth-watering treats were made by a secret partnership between Blue Frog Chocolates and the same Voodoo priests in New Orleans who are now suspects in influencing the outcome of the Super Bowl. Mr. Corsi alleges that the priests put spells on the ObamaBars, causing many McCain supporters around the country to switch their votes to Obama. And we can see without thinking too much that this must have caused McCain to lose an election he otherwise easily would have won.
Therefore, this new evidence should persuade us to consider holding the election again, while Mr. McCain still is in periodic touch with reality. I have no doubt that the Supreme Court would agree with me.
"My fellow Americans, ask not what you can do for your country. Ask how you can get paid as much as possible for doing as little as possible for your country."
The title of David S. Broder's column in The Washington Post today is "Sarah Palin displays her pitch-perfect populism." Mr. Broder reported, "When [Chris Wallace of FOX News] asked her what role she wants to play in the country's future, she said:
"First and foremost, I want to be a good mom, and I want to raise happy, healthy, independent children. And I want them to be good citizens of this great country.
"And then I do want to be a voice for some common-sense solutions. I'm never going to pretend like I know more than the next person. I'm not going to pretend to be an elitist. In fact, I'm going to fight the elitist, because for too often and for too long now, I think the elitists have tried to make people like me and people in the heartland of America feel like we just don't get it, and big government's just going to have to take care of us. Well, maybe some of us don't get it, but big business has been taking care of us just fine.
"The time for big government is over, except for the military, the only part of the government that works. As bad as the incompetent elitists who run most of our government are, that is how good the regular folks in the military are. The elitists pretend that we're all in danger of getting sick or going broke or having some big businessman stick his hand in our pants. That's just not true. Many more people die from terror, as a result of foreigners doing stuff like putting explosives in their underpants and blowing up buildings because this government is not protecting us. Maybe martial law until this emergency is over would be the right thing to do. I don't pretend to know.
"What I do know is we love liberty. But there are foreigners, those who are different from us normal, common-sense people, who want to take it away. The elitists who ask, 'What did we do to deserve this?' hate America. We are not perfect, but we almost are. We never did anything to deserve what they've done to us and want to do to us. They want to take our liberty. They want to take our God. That's why we're at war, why we've been in a state of emergency, making wartime sacrifices for almost ten years. That's why we must make small sacrifices, such as not criticizing our brave military or putting regulations on our businesses. Our economy was doing just fine until we overregulated and caused the problems we have now. George Bush would've solved the problem by now. That's why we've got to get rid of Obama and the other Democrats who have caused these problems.
"You see, a big part of the problem is when you get these people who aren't heartland people. You know, like Indians or Mexicans or blacks. They get money from big government and go get things like Cadillacs and fancy degrees, like in science or something, and get a good affirmative action job and think they're elite and better than the rest of us who built this country and love it. We slaved to make this country the home of the free and the land of the brave. It's our country, and it shouldn't be taken over by elites."
A recent poll shows that many Americans are responding to Sarah Palin's message. It is not very surprising that whites and retards, most of whom are against progressive agendas like evolution and getting power directly from the sun without going through 6,000 year old fossil fuels, really like what Ms. Palin is saying. It is a persuasive message, one that many heartland people wholeheartedly have taken to heart. That is the reason for the sharp rise in her popularity among many Americans.
Elites may disagree, but we won't go into that now, since this really isn't their country. Palin also has not yet won over some of the non-elites. For example, Josh "The Ponceman" Perry, charismatic star of "Retarded Policeman," who is both white and retarded, stated that the poor memory Ms. Palin demonstrates by having to write notes on her hand disturbs him profoundly. He said, "They would have fired me a long time ago if I couldn't remember my lines, and the scripts in my films are far more complex than her speeches." When I told him that Mr. Broder gave Ms. Palin a vote of confidence, stating, "Those who want to stop her will need more ammunition than deriding her habit of writing on her hand. The lady is good." Mr. Perry conceded, "Yes she is, for a f#!%ing retard."
A reliable source reported that Pat Robertson dropped 50 dimes on the Super Bowl due to his misplaced faith in Peyton Manning. Mr. Robertson stated, "All the experts, even the New York Times, were talking about this guy being the second coming. All I've been hearing for the past month is that he studies film 23 hours a day, teaches his coaches how the game should be played, and intimidates these 350 pound offensive linemen into protecting him just by giving them that look of his. Hell, I used to think Tom Brady was as good as Peyton until that supermodel wife he married sapped and impurified all his precious bodily fluids. I learned though. I thought I saw the light.
"Jesus H. Christ......the way Peyton played this year? Damn. There's no way that little putz Brees could outplay him. Not unless there was something hinky. It's not the 50 grand that bothers me so much. There's a sucker born every minute. I'll get the money back in no time. It's just that I don't like feeling like a f*!#ing retard! Now I'm really thinking that something's not kosher. The way God punished New Orleans with Katrina. There's no way he's gonna let them win the Super Bowl less than five years later.
"Then, after the game, I hear Brees say, 'God is great.' Wait a minute. I've heard that before. 'Allahu Akbar.' Man, Brees was is in on this thing too. That's when I realized....the Goddam devil again. He made a pact with those bastards so they could beat somebody that obviously no human could beat. I should've figured. Well, I'm not only gonna go get my money back from my sheep, but I'm gonna buy up a bunch of cheap property in that stinking town, take out a shitload of flood insurance, and laugh my ass off all the way to the bank when God drowns those bastards like the rats they are. God IS great."
We wanted confirm this story as being 100% accurate, so we tried to get God's take on it. The only communication we received was the following:
AARP, "leading a revolution in the way old people view and live life after sex has become either boring or impossible for them," complained to the NFL and Bridgestone, the sponsors of the Super Bowl halftime show, that the cutting edge acts starring in recent shows give the appearance that old people either do not like football or are too senile to grasp what they are seeing on the TV screen. AARP President Jennie Chin Hansen stated that acts like Prince, The Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, and The Who, who are making this year's show part of their seventeenth farewell tour, are fine for whippersnappers but leave those she represents "drooling in their barcaloungers in indifference."
John Baratta, president of Bridgestone's consumer replacement tire business, upon first hearing Hansen's complaint, replied that he "really is not so concerned with what AARP thinks because old people generally drive so slowly and badly that it doesn't make any difference what kind of tires they have on their cars; they'll be dead soon anyway." Hansen, ignoring or not hearing what Baratta said, persisted in her complaints until Baratta conceded that she might have a point. So Bridgestone and the NFL have reached an agreement with AARP to cosponsor The Coasters, whose hits include Little Egypt (Ying-Yang), Down In Mexico, Along Came Jones, and Charlie Brown, in next year's show. This is an apt choice, since the Cleveland Browns and their brilliant coach Eric Mangini, Cleveland's own "Charlie Brown," will be many experts' favorite to represent the AFC next year.
A mollified Hansen reflected, "I am satisfied with our arrangement and hope I didn't ruffle too many feathers. I mean, what's wrong with the Coasters? They're great. It's not like I'm trying to dig up any old act just to appeal to a particular demographic. I do hope that the NFL and whoever sponsors future shows do continue to consult me. I'm sure we could agree to have acts that appeal to all ages, like the Beatles and the Doors, appear in the future."
Not to be outdone by USC's increasingly aggressive recruitment, newly hired Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly secured a commitment from one year old Rocky Rumzinger to accept a football scholarship. Rumzinger, who does not yet attend school, drew the attention of local fans and scouts when his Mayberry Street Steelers easily defeated the Mayberry Street Aardvarks in that street's annual championship game for preschoolers. The youngest player in the game, he dominated, completing 3 of 26 passes for an excellent 13.6 quarterback rating. Kelly, who attended the game, said, "His scrambling ability is just amazing, and he can throw an out pattern across his body while rolling to his right, and I mean rolling, which is something rare in a player his age." Notre Dame fans can't wait to see him suit up, and the Pope has blessed the agreement. Pat Robertson said that no pact with the devil was involved.
In the Galactic Confederacy seventy five million years ago, when Xenu did his tax audit of John Travolta and Tom Cruise, he found discrepancies in their returns. This made Xenu unhappy. So he froze the two would-be actors and sent them to earth, better known as "Teegeeack". Their frozen, disembodied souls proceeded to find nice looking bodies, which learned to pretend to be other people while yet other people filmed them. This made them rich, got them hot women, gave them the time and means (string, tin cans, lie detector, paranoia) to talk to dead space aliens, and allowed them to live mostly happily ever after, not only scientifically proving that L. Ron Hubbard is a great writer and religious figure, but that Scientology works and deserves all the respect that the other religions get.
Some of the few bumps in their respective roads arose when they encountered Pamela Anderson, who was on a mission to become, without the aid of silicone, even more ethereal than she already was. John and Tom, hoping to land another big name convert, told her all about the self improvement aspect of their official religion. John put on his pilot uniform and flew her around on one of his planes, and Tom showed her the best way to jump up and down on a couch without stretching her ligaments. These activities impressed her, and everybody had fun, but this wasn't quite what she had been looking for. After all, Pamela already was about as improved as she could get and was aware that for some time she had been operating under the law of diminishing returns and the law of gravity but definitely not the law of diminishing gravity. John and Tom's secrecy about Xenu and their ability to talk to dead space aliens appears to have been a major miscalculation on their part if they indeed really wanted to convince her to convert to Scientology. Would either of them have tried to unload one of their underwater mortgages by hiding an amenity like a neat backyard swimming pool with a water slide and combination fire pit-wet bar? I think not.
While half-heartedly considering joining the Official Church of Scientology, Ms. Anderson heard about the less official Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The first time she gazed upon a representation of His Googly Eyes and Noodly Appendage, she wanted to become a Pastafarian. It was too late for John and Tom and the aliens. They had lost their recruit. Little did they know that she'd always been a sucker for noodly appendages, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster had the biggest and best she'd ever seen. Yes, THE biggest and best. Hard to believe, but it's twue. It's twue.
Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Governor of California, was busy trying to fix his state's economy by sending its old people to Florida. However, Pat Robertson reported that Mr. Schwarzenegger also made a pact with the devil to get some help in easing the state's economic woes. This resulted in God punishing California by sending an army of giant squid to invade its coastal waters. Mr. Robertson had no information as to whether Xenu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster were also involved in the invasion, but it is doubtful even though some space aliens hint that Xenu is prone to that type of prank.
Not aware of this invasion, Pamela Anderson went on with her A*Muse fashion show in Miami. The people of South Florida were not amused, and the only twenty people to show up were old people whom Schwarzenegger had sent to Florida. They inadvertently got off the bus in front of the Miami nightclub where Pamela was holding her show, went in for what they thought would be a quick drink, and cheerfully prevented the show from being a complete flop. Pamela was grateful, and having her own ship, very quickly sailed to California to thank its governor for saving her show.
Reaching the Coast of Southern California, Pamela saw noodly appendages in the water, and thinking it was the Giant Spaghetti Monster there to welcome her, she could not resist jumping in. Alas, it was not her new god, but rather the Christian god's invading squid army. The situation rapidly deteriorated when a big squid grabbed her. Nearby fishermen tried to divert the squid's attention by dangling a delectable little bait squid in front of the enormous creature.
However, the giant squid apparently was either a male or a lesbian and continued in its attempt to devour the appetizing Anderson. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending upon how you look at it, the squid's limited throat was unable to accommodate Pamela's breasts, and he regretfully choked her up into the water, where her unexpectedly amazing buoyancy allowed the cheering fishermen to pull her to safety.
Ms. Anderson blamed this incident on the State of California's pact with the devil, but, being a Pastafarian, she forgave Arnold Schwarzenegger and contacted Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, to help publicize the need for women in Coastal Southern California to, as soon as possible, get breast implants sufficiently large to choke a giant squid. Ms. Sebelius reportedly replied that there really was no need to do that.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Monsanto GMO Maize a Winner
Jerry Steiner, Executive Vice President of Sustainability and Corporate Affairs, opened the American Farm Bureau Federation's annual meeting by stating, "We see the need for an 80 percent increase in food production that the world is going to need to feed about nine billion people in 2050, versus the six and a half or so billion people we have today. Soybean and corn production will have to at least double to meet the imminent drastic increase in demand for Big Macs and Whoppers. That's premised on the fact that people around the world are increasing their incomes, and one of the first things people do when they increase their income is improve the quality of their diet. That’s what we’ve been seeing out of Asia over the last several years.
"To increase the world population from six and a half to nine billion in the space of just forty years, people are going to need a lot of energy. The Asians, heretofore quite prolific when unrestrained, are going to have to do their part, so they'd better change their diet. Right now they are eating a lot of things like rice, fish balls, and scorpions. Inscrutable people, but they appear to be capable of learning. Before looking into this matter, I didn't even know that fish had balls, but I know that they can't be either as tasty or nutritious as a good old Big Mac. Our new genetically modified maize is as prolific as a Chinaman, and cows love it. Meat production around the world will take off, and soon everyone will eat like an American. I can't help thinking that the primitive people of the world are lucky we discovered them before they starved.
“What we’re aiming to achieve is very much a designer approach with breeding that we can then complement with specific genes from biotechnology. We look at breeding as largely creating potential inside a seed. That potential then goes into the plant, then into the animal that eats it, and finally into you, a chain of increasing potentiality, a beautiful thing. Some Swedes and Greenpeace hippies have complained that eating some of our genetically modified maize 'could result in damage to the liver and kidneys.' The 'unusual concentrations of hormones and other compounds' they found in the blood and urine of the rats they tested really was no more than you would find in your average professional football player. And look how those guys run around and knock each other over and then get up and dance and run around again. Big, dancing Energizer Bunnies. So, see, there really is nothing to worry about unless you don't want your kids to grow up as big, strong and healthy as football players and as ready to reproduce as bunnies.”
Mr. Steiner then presented Ralph the Rat, one of Monsanto's own test rats, to show how healthy he was after eating Monsanto's designer maize for the first six months of his life. He had quite an impressive physique and looked as healthy as an offensive tackle.
There is no reason I can find to fall for the leftist propaganda unfairly impugning Monsanto's fine new product, a product that promises to assist in adding two and a half billion Big Mac munching people to our planet in the next forty years. Let us be fruitful and multiply with Monsanto's help. Therefore, I must give this product a "thumbs up." Bon appetit.
Two days ago "Crimesider" reported that the FBI had been investigating an allegation that Jon Cryer, costar of "Two and a Half Men," made against his ex-wife, Sarah Trigger. Cryer has stated that Trigger hired a hit man to kill him. Ryan Smith reported, "Cryer and Trigger went through what has been described as a very bitter divorce and are involved in a custody fight....Vicki Greene, a lawyer for Trigger, denies that her client had any involvement." Ryan wrote that Ms. Greene said, "The allegations are ridiculous. Look at Jon and look at my client. She could kick his ass all by herself. She not only outweighs him by a substantial amount, but he's obviously a wimp. Don't you watch the show?" Ryan said he didn't, that "Heroes" and "24" are on at the same time and his VCR can only tape one while he's watching the other.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, who is heading the investigation, also said he doesn't watch the show but that he agrees Trigger probably could kick Jon's ass all by herself. Even so, he's looking into the allegations and is waiting for the dwarf who regularly appears in his dreams to give him further direction. He said he'd also like to interview Bob Sheen, who currently is involved in the ongoing situation between his parents, Charlie and Brooke. Agent Cooper saw a tape of Jon, Bob, and Trigger at last year's Emmy Awards and, "things just didn't look right" to him.
He added that he's having a hard time finding a good cup of coffee in the Burbank area but that the pie is fine.
A recent Journal of Marriage and Family study "argues that 'fatherless' children are not necessarily at a disadvantage and that men do not provide a different set of parenting skills than women." The study found that two mothers tended to play with their children more than a traditional mother and father would. This is fine if you want your children to grow up thinking that play is important. Unfortunately, playing with your children will not put the fear of God into them or give them the proper respect for authority.
Also, the secular scientists responsible for the study minimized certain aspects that any Biblically grounded scientist would have considered important. For example, they brushed aside as unimportant the finding that boys raised by two mothers tended frequently "to get the shit beat out of them because they threw like girls." Also, since two mothers did not physically discipline their children as often as any proper father would, their daughters were less likely to recognize the natural, God-given supremacy of males, diminishing their chances of getting married. Two-mother sons experienced debilitating confusion when traditionally-raised boys beat them for throwing like girls because they didn't know which mother to go running to. Sometimes they just fell down in a state of catatonic confusion. Also, lesbians tended to raise boys who, as men, experienced unnatural multiple orgasms and persistently talked about their feelings for up to several minutes after each one whether or not anyone else was present.
When two fathers raise girls there are less severe drawbacks, with 67.2% of daughters suffering from OCRD, number 2184 of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This Obsessive Compulsive Disorder compels the sufferer to repeatedly redecorate her environment while singing show tunes. It usually is more annoying than dangerous unless heavy furniture, such as a grand piano, is present, in which case the sufferer may try to move and play the piano at the same time. This can be fatal. Xanax has been used to treat OCRD successfully. One side effect, unfortunately, is death.
I can conclude only that more studies are necessary before we decide that two mothers or two fathers can replace the traditional father-mother family. However, even if further studies show that two mothers or two fathers have, on average, parenting skills superior to those of a heterosexual couple, we should ignore them because, if we don't, God will punish us, and then where will we be? Haiti?
Today's New York Times contained an article as disturbing as any I've read recently. It seems that "slightly more than 1,000 pedestrians visited emergency rooms in 2008 because they got distracted and tripped, fell or ran into something while using a cellphone to talk or text. That was twice the number from 2007, which had nearly doubled from 2006, according to a study conducted by Ohio State University, which says it is the first to estimate such accidents." My gut reactions to this report were first, denial, then grief, anger, and acceptance. These stages were not followed by the usual obliviousness, and I continue to accept that we all should be more careful about when we use our cellphones.
Most people would agree that walking is a more simple task than driving. Many of us learn to walk before we learn to drive. Therefore, if using a cellphone impairs our ability to do a simple task, does it not impair to an even greater extent our ability to do one that is more complex? "Perhaps," you might say. But you would only say this if you had not thought about it first. Americans, particularly Republicans, are filled with complex ideas. Listen in on any cellphone conversation. You hear only one side of it, but more often than not you will be able to tell that you have chanced upon some deep philosophical, scientific, or religious discussion. Even if you are witness to gossip, the topic matter usually will be about, say, some acquaintance's existential angst due to her perusal of the thinness of the atmosphere in relation to the vastness of outer space and the possibility that precious air is getting sucked out through holes made by mankind's rockets.
Now, the part of the brain that deals with simple matters such as walking is not too swift. It needs to concentrate on what it is doing. So your engagement in a complex discussion will suck blood and electricity from the simple area into the complex area, causing impairment in your ability to engage in tasks like walking. However, if, while talking or texting on your cellphone, you get into your car to drive, the brain's complex center already is engaged. The brain shuttle system (BSS) does not have to shift resources away from another area, like the simple one that controls your walking. This is one reason why, if you must talk or text while eating, you should dine on something complicated, like lobster or a Chicago-style hot dog with the works. It is also why you could text, eat lobster, and drive at the same time without posing any danger to either yourself or others. Just make sure that you finish eating and texting before you arrive at your destination and have to walk.
"Dedicated to building America's future, supporting fresh ideas and candidates who share our vision for reform and innovation," Sarah Palin's official PAC has hit the ground running. Even though there are many wonderful potential Republican Presidential candidates to consider, Ms. Palin's PAC gives us fast food for thought. "SarahPAC believes America's best days are ahead. Our country, founded on conservative principles and the fight for freedom, must confront the challenges of the 21st century with integrity, innovation, and determination."
Opposing the dogmatic scientific elite that has gotten a leg up on our neck, Ms. Palin, with integrity and determination, offers to defend the conservative principles of this nation. Even though the founding fathers did not mention God in the Constitution, we are well aware that they meant God to be the Rock upon which the Republic rests. Do not ask us how we know. It is simple. We just know. We believe. They were Christians. We are Christians. Could the connection or their intention be be any more clear?
Ms. Palin realizes that we must innovate in order to compete with the Chinese, Indians, Italians and other non-Christians who, if they gain greater economic power, might use it to threaten our freedom. Living right next door to the Russians, she literally can see that their brand of Christianity really is un-American, even though she gives them credit for trying. She heartily disagrees with the elite's view that Christian beliefs would stifle progress. Did they prevent us from inventing the dinosaur saddle?
Did they make us think that a square wheel would be better than the one we invented? Believing in the literal Word of God, Christains innovated and then innovated some more, coming up not only with the saddle, the wheel, and the Ark, but with atomic bombs, video games, ShamWow, and countless other great inventions in the 6,000 or so years since we were kicked out of the Garden.
As you can see, Christianity does not impede innovation. It is the Lord's spark that ignites the creative imagination, keeping us ahead of the elite, secular science - embracing foreigners. If we want to maintain our scientific lead, we must prevent these secularists from poisoning our scientific progress with their unfounded beliefs. Just yesterday a marine dinosaur ate a tourist off the coast of Cape Town, South Africa, prompting Ms. Palin to state, "This is proof that man and dinosaurs have coexisted and that dinosaurs do not have feathers. South Africa is our ally, so I think I'll get my wolf hunting plane and go down there and bust a cap in that dinosaur's ass, pick him up before he gets fossilized, and show all you secularists who like to date carbon that Christian Science is the only way to understand the world and the universe that revolves around us."
Charlie Sheen has returned to Hollywood to continue work on his hit TV show, "Two And A Half Men," while his wife, Brooke Mueller, will remain in Aspen with their adorable twin sons, Bob and Max.
An unnamed source close to the Aspen police department said that a possible motive for Mr. Sheen's alleged actions may have surfaced. Sheen has stated that the previous administration covered up evidence in the investigation of 9/11. The source said, "Brooke's a real George Bush fan and was pissed off at Charlie trying to get him. Bob and Max are real close to her and mind her more than anybody else. Them two are cute as little bunnies to look at, but they're no angels.
Max is a real loner, always ridin' around on his bike actin' mad about somethin' or other, and Bob's always hidin' and jumpin' out at kids with a rubber knife, scarin' the bejesus out of em. Hell, when the cops first got the call and heard it was a knife incident they thought Bob did it." He added that there is evidence that Brooke and her sons coerced Mr. Sheen into watching episodes of "Jersey Shore," resulting in his disorientation, drug use, and subsequent unusually deranged actions. There's also evidence that Bob gave his father the knife.
Paul Krugman agreed that the Bush family's involvement in the incident should be considered, since Mr. Sheen played a large part in the expansion of the economy during Bill Clinton's administration. It is common knowledge that Sheen's business activities with Heidi Fleiss in the early 1990's pumped enough liquidity into the economy to help pull it out of the doldrums, which, we all know, were not caused by the administrations of Ronald Reagan or George Herbert Walker Bush. However, many Democrats and other left-leaning ideologues did not see it that way, and some went so far as to blame the Elder Bush for the deficit, among other things, even though large deficits really are not such a bad thing.
This undeserved blame and the diminution of the deficit under Bill Clinton so angered the elder Bush's son, George W., that the younger Bush decided to make his own run for President. A winner, George W. not only restored the deficit, but he had one bigger than his father's. In addition to that, he got even with Saddam Hussein for that barbarian's unsuccessful attempt on the Elder Bush's life. W could have done no more to gain the love and respect of his father. So it is easy to see why he would feel crushed when his father started hanging around with Bill Clinton and taking him places he should have been taking his own son. The Aspen police are working on the theory that W might have been trying to get even with Charlie Sheen for disrespecting his father and helping Bill Clinton save the economy (even though we all know that Clinton did nothing good for the economy), driving a wedge into the heart of the Bush clan.
Charlie Sheen is not yet off the hook, but it's looking better for him every day. Let's hope that this incident doesn't adversely affect his performance in "Two And A Half Men." And for the sake of W and the alleged co-conspirators, let's pray that the interrogations of Brooke, Max, and Bob are not informed by W's views on torture.
My neck still hurts from reading the January 1, 2010 New York Times editorial "Why Didn't They See It," concerning our failure to find the bomb in Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab's underwear. Nodding vigorously in agreement with such a surprisingly accurate analysis always hurts physically as much as it lifts intellectually. Well, maybe it doesn't lift intellectually so much as puff egotistically, since it merely confirms my own analysis. If it didn't agree with what I already thought, how else could I instantly have recognized its accuracy? Unless, of course, I saw it on Fox News.
The Times is correct in concluding that the government failed to connect the dots. Thanks to George W. Bush, we now are awash in dots. He, in fact, created a great wall of dots to protect us, except for the unfortunate incident on 9/11. But we can't blame him for that, because he hardly had time to clear the brush to prepare for construction of the wall. Many who voted for Barack Obama hoped that he was fired up and ready to connect the dots, reinforcing the great wall of protection. They were wrong.
Instead, he appointed Janet Napolitano, governor of Arizona, to be the Secretary of Homeland Security. Fox News has reported that 73% of Mexicans believe that Arizona is part of Mexico and that 68% of the remaining 49% believe that even though it is part of the United States, there are no restrictions on immigration in spite of the existence of the wall. Why the President thought that a governor who could not convince foreigners that her state was not part of their country could coordinate connection of the dots is not clear.
In spite of Ms. Napolitano's fecklessness, Abdulmutallab's plot went awry, altering both him and the outcome. If Ms. Napolitano were a police chief, Republicans, Democrats, and even Greens would question the sanity of anyone saying she should be fired for not preventing the near or even successful commission of a crime, which, in hindsight, appeared to be predictable. Ditto for a general not being able to avoid a battle.
But the security of the Homeland is different. Terrorist attacks against the Homeland are neither crimes nor acts of war, and at the same time they are crimes AND acts of war. Crimes scare us, especially when people like Willie Horton commit them. Acts of war scare us. Terrorist attacks therefore doubly scare us, since the relationship obviously is linear. 1+1=2. This is where connecting the dots comes in. The shortest distance between two points is a line. When we are doubly scared, failing to connect dots, thereby failing to head the terrorists off at the pass (Where is Ronald Reagan when we need him?) is something we cannot forgive.
To protect us, we need people who are able to draw lines. Where are these people? My best guess is the art world. Architects draw straight lines, but they use rulers, which places their true ability in doubt, even though I'd be willing to debate this fine point. It's time for Barack Obama to really get fired up. Let him take an imaginative leap, recognizing that since most of us can predict the past, it should not be so hard to find some among us who can simply turn around, look the other way, and predict the future by connecting the dots, something that we can expect neither military nor law enforcement people, much less politicians, to do. Since none have been very successful so far, why not turn to our artists and place them in charge of protecting us.
We never will be able to prevent all or even most crimes. In a conventional war, we cannot prevent all battles, otherwise, by definition, we would not be in a war. But we must prevent all terrorist attacks. We are Americans. We are afraid. Let us dare to be bold. Deploy the artists!
Texas Tech University fired its head football coach, Mike Leach, on Wednesday, December 30, 2009, a day that will live in infamy. One of Coach Leach's players has alleged that after the player sustained a mild concussion, disabling him for regular practice, the coach made him choose between standing in a small, dark enclosure or leaving the team. The school did not explain how this irregular practice damaged the young, fit, albeit slightly concussed, football player.
Granted, standing in a dark enclosure is not a regular form of practice for any football team that I am aware of, but if you were to poll a representative sample of college football players, I'd be willing to bet that most of them would consider such an activity to be far less rigorous than their regular practices. My only objection to it would be that it is too Buddhistically peace inspiring and might cause a red-blooded young American male to step meditatively from the darkness onto the eightfold path to enlightenment instead of onto the onefold path to kick his opponents' asses.
This is one reason groups like Al Qaeda laugh at us. We've become a collection of couch turnips, scared to do anything as dangerous as standing in a dark closet for a couple of hours and unfit for any activities but watching TV, twittering, and tweeting. Are we men or birds? You might say, “I am a man with a birdbrain, and what my muscles lack in definition my HDTV more than makes up for, and that's the way I like it.”
“This," I would reply, “is not only not funny, but it is not true.”
The people who wish to destroy us do think it is funny, and some of those people are pirates. While you may be laughing at Coach Leach for his enthusiasm about pirates, somewhere a Somali pirate, whom the Coach emphatically does not endorse, is laughing at you. Keep this enthusiasm in mind, because if Coach Leach really wanted to discipline the player he would not have made him stand in a closet, something even the most sissified pirate would consider a joke. He would have keel-hauled him or made him walk the plank, probably preventing the player from ever complaining about another minor concussion. Right now, Osama and his advisers are probably sitting around the fire enjoying a goat while they laugh about how they now can just hit the Americans on the head, making them complain to their fathers, who will see that their leaders are fired.
We need more, not fewer, leaders like Coach Leach, men who are more like pirates than bureaucrats, men who aren't afraid to help mold the characters of their charges by giving them the occasional time out. How can they fire this man for acting more like SuperNanny than Captain Hook? He deserves a TV show, not a pink slip. He is a hero, and we would not enjoy the freedoms we do if men such as he, landlubbers as well as pirates, had not occasionally put others in the closet. Many of them should have stayed there, but that is another issue.
