A Tiger Woods Exclusive

By far the biggest story of the century took an unexpectedly expected turn yesterday when Tiger Woods made a public apology, openly admitting that he had engaged in multiple extramarital affairs.  Even though the women in the audience refused to wear the burkhas they were offered, Mr. Woods admirably restrained himself, mopped his brow, and said everything he was supposed to.  He surprised some in the audience by taking full blame for his actions, until we realized it was just a little levity to lighten the atmosphere, a deft touch, demonstrating again why women find this tiger irresistible.

Here is a man who repeatedly has shown that he can hit a small, dimpled ball fewer times than anybody else in the world and still get it in as many holes as anyone.  From an early age, he incessantly has practiced in order to groove a precision stroke that will be of service to him in any situation.  All that effort paid off.  Why does it surprise anyone that he would attempt to do the same thing in other areas of his life?  I've yet to hear one person suggest that this fine specimen of American manhood actually might have engaged in all of the recent, maligned, strenuous activity in order to more perfectly satisfy his wife.  Practice does make perfect.  Just a suggestion.

Not everyone has bad things to say about Mr. Woods.  Here is a representative sampling of what some very important people had to say:   

Nike president Phil Knight: "We wouldn't even consider dropping him.  This is great for our shoes.  What does it say about our shoes that if you wear them you can get out of a golf cart, hit a ball, get back in the cart, drive to the ball, get out, hit the ball, ad infinitum, ad nauseam.  Now people will think, 'Wow I'm gonna get me some of these shoes and chase down all kinds of pussy just like Tiger.'  Go get'm Tiger.  We couldn't have scripted it any better."

Britney Spears: "How come he never hit on me?"

Bill Clinton: "Don't look at me.  I did not have sex with these women.............Define sex."

Newt Gingrich: "Cheating on a hot babe like Elin?  When she wasn't even in the hospital?  It's immoral."

Jaimee Grubbs: "He's got nothing to apologize for.  I was on 'Tool Academy.'  I had to know how tools worked.  He showed me how his worked.  No big deal."

Sicilian-born Playboy model Loredana Jolie Ferriolo, known as Woods' mistress number 10:  "He was just going to show me how to play golf.  I thought he said 'HOLE number 10.'  My Uncle Vito is not happy about this."

These mostly unpaid testimonials demonstrate clearly that this issue is not black and white, as the majority of Americans can see.  We are aware that Tiger Woods, along with our big stash of nuclear weapons, is the main thing we have going for us nowadays.  With Tiger around, foreigners, instead of calling us 'The Great Satan,' are as likely to say, 'Ah, America, the Land of Tiger.'  Those of us who wish to see the United States remain part of the world agree that we should not give up on our Tiger.  That would leave us only with the nukes, inspiring fear among our earthly neighbors instead of the love that we so ardently crave.  We want to be able to say, "Y'all like us.  You really like us."

So we were happy to see that an HCD research survey showed that 61 percent of women and 58 percent of men thought Tiger's apology was sincere.  The percentage of women probably is meaningful since 27 percent of them not only knew him, but also had sex with him.  As one of them said, "To know know know him is to love love love him."   Statisticians think that the percentage of men willing to forgive him actually is higher than 58 percent because many men are still miffed about the whole to-do.  Tiger's recent actions only heightened our awareness of our own pathetic lack of money, power, and concomitant sex appeal.  But most of us should get over it.  I know I am trying.

In conclusion, here is an abridged version of Tiger's apology.  I will be surprised if you are not touched and more than willing to forgive him:

"I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in....

"I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish.  Ask any married man.  They would be able to tell you....

"People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife, Erin.  I didn't do them to her.  I did them to other women....

"Some people have speculated that Ella somehow hurt or attacked me with a drumstick on Thanksgiving night.  This couldn't have been true because, incompetent cook that she is, she burnt the turkey, and I had to throw it out....

"My wife Elise has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. She deserves praise, though not for her sexual prowess....

"I knew my actions were wrong but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply.  And they didn't.  It's just that Eva made a scene and I got caught.  Unfortunate....

"I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me.  Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them, and they will still be there when things get back to normal.  I don't rule out that it will be this year."