Eli Lilly introduced a powerful new product today, called Cialis Weiner, in honor of
Anthony Weiner, the heroic Member of the U. S. House of Representatives from New York's Ninth District. Weiner was the first member of the legislative branch in more than thirty years to risk offending the notoriously sensitive Republican Party. He hurt their feeling when he said, "You guys have chutzpah. The Republican Party is the wholly owned subsidiary of the insurance industry. They say this isn't going to do enough, but when we propose an alternative to provide competition, they’re against it. They say we want to strengthen state insurance commissioners and they'll do the job. But when we did that in our national health care bill, they said we’re against it. They said we want to have competition but when we proposed requiring competition they’re against it. They’re a wholly owned subsidiary of the insurance industry. That's the fact!" Weiner's words were particularly hurtful to Rep. Dan Lungren, who repeatedly pleaded for the Speaker to "take down" the words before they hurt him any more.
Checking the facts, we discovered that Mr. Weiner's allegation is not true. For example, Mr. Weiner is well aware that the Bush Administration, with much jubilant legislative support, provided many sophisticated, fun weapons to Saudi Arabia, some of whose members like flying around in our fighter jets while others write checks for Osama bin Laden and his merry band of goatherds. Republicans and many Democrats don't support the Saudis with the intention of harming Americans. It is just an unfortunate side effect of these Representatives and Senators being partially owned by the armaments industry. This means that the insurance industry could not possibly wholly own the Republican Party. I would say that Mr. Weiner owes us an apology.
Even so, Mr. Weiner did demonstrate that he has a big wiener, and Eli Lilly's decision to name its new product after him is understandable. The debate over the spelling of the product's name may delay its widespread distribution, but considering how important the drug is to American men, that is doubtful. English teachers across the United States have complained to Lilly that spelling the product "Weiner" instead of "Wiener" will confuse our highly literate and politically aware population, causing many men to believe that the drug might chemically circumcise them or turn them Jewish or do both. Lilly, however, is confident that its advertising campaign will overcome this "minor glitch."
Cialis Weiner promises to be a blessing for all you guys whose clogged arteries cause your limp, little lad to hide in your pants while you watch TV, munching Big Macs and fries when your friends come to the door to invite him to come out and play. You no longer have to long for the day that you can be with skanky hos like the ones you see on late night TV. You know, the ones who explain that guys who are "giggle, giggle, little, giggle" really turn them off, making them wish they were anywhere else, like with a zucchini or home reading Principia Mathematica or something. Even though all guys want girls like that to fulfill their wildest fantasies, with Cialis Weiner you will move to the head of the long line for their services. And a big bonus is that Cialis Weiner contains genetically modified bubonic plague bacteria that is harmless to you but will kill any sexually transmitted diseases, even the nastiest ones.
So don't keep your little lad grounded any longer. If you want him to get swole fast, call 886-441-3070. Say "Eeborg says you can get my lad swole fast," and you will get a 15% discount. This offer is good until February 25, 2020.
