Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Weiner Tweets Cause Lilly Stock to Rise

The price of Eli Lilly stock has become engorged following New York Rep. Anthony Weiner’s revelatory tweets. As detailed here on February 25, 2010, Eli Lilly was well aware of Mr. Weiner’s potency and appropriately named its powerful new product after the virile New Yorker. It’s taken awhile, but Cialis Weiner has been flying off the shelves since the recent, inadvertent ad campaign. It has done particularly well in southern states, where until now, conservative males were reluctant to use what they thought might be a New York Jew product. However they are, above all, Americans and as such wish to return the salute of their fellow American. I salute them and Mr. Weiner and wish Eli Lilly shareholders continued success.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Financial Institutions May Have Contributed to Financial Crisis!

A bipartisan commission has concluded that the primary causes of the financial crisis were not poor people trying to get something for nothing, but our beloved major financial institutions and the impotent individuals the government assigned to oversee and regulate them. I didn't read the report yet but assume that it is characterized by the shock and amazement that we would expect from those who weren't aware that the financial institutions involved were instrumental in choosing, with their Supreme Court (not Constitutional) - given right of free speech as individuals, the government officials who appointed the regulators. Financial institutions, like all corporations, must be pretty damn good individuals; when is the last time you saw a corporation tried and imprisoned for a crime? Maybe that's because, "Corporations don't kill people. Only people other than corporations kill people."

Even so, I've got to go with Glenn Beck and the Tea Party on this one. Them damn "poor people" somehow found a way to adversely influence the good corporations so that they became uncharacteristically incompetent and joined the government to cause the crisis. Madness. Meanwhile, the so-called "poor people" sat back in their free homes, eating their Cheetos and laughing at us and our good friends, the duped rich people. This has got to stop. The government must appoint another commission to find out exactly how the "poor people" pulled this one off. Maybe then we can get back some of our money that they've got stuffed in their mattresses.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Cellphones Make Malthusians Happy

Good news from the cellphone front gave Thomas Malthus's Gloomy Gus ideology another hit today. Dr. Devra Lee Davis, and I use the term "Dr." loosely, tries to scare us in her book Disconnect into thinking that the microwave radiation that cellphones emit is dangerous to American humans, especially babies. When was the last time you saw a baby talking on a cellphone? We had a similar radiation scares in the 50's and 60's. Remember Godzilla and "Duck and Cover?" Well, sorry to say, most of us are still here. We ducked and covered, and no paper mache Japanese monster or invisible waves or anything else made us glow in the dark. We are Americans. We are survivors. So, Dr. Davis and assorted Swedes, don't try to scare us now with this cellphone radiation crap.

The worst that a little microwave radiation could do would be to kill a few weaklings and improve our gene pool, making us more resistant to microwaves. Some of the ridiculous safety regulations burdening the microwave oven industry could be removed. Another benefit would be an additional constraint upon the population, removing primarily those who aren't fit to be here. It would also decrease some liberals' perceived need to have abortions. If your pregnancy has you upset, don't go rushing to the abortion doctor; just be patient and give your baby a cellphone. If your kid is strong, he will survive, and you'll be happy you didn't abort the little bugger, who will be there to support you when there is no more Social Security. The survival of the strong will improve the quality of our population and maybe even solve the concussion problem many of the weaker NFL players are whining about. Better people will mean thicker skulls, firmer, more entrenched brains and, consequently, less squishing around upon impact. The strengthening of the American person through cellphone use is sure to have other positive benefits, but I will not go into these now, because I am not a doctor yet.

Considering all the positive benefits of cellphone radiation, we should not have a left knee jerk reaction to a problem that doesn't exist. There is no need for big governmental regulation. We must use the legislative machinery sparingly, only to protect society's most vulnerable, like the unborn and corporations. For example, there is no need for a law to prevent a parent from giving a cellphone to a baby, but pregnant mothers should not be permitted to attempt abortions by holding cellphones against their bellies. This is nothing more than common sense and compassionate Conservatism at its best.

The only problematic aspect of this issue is what we should do about those who have an adverse reaction to cellphones but are too strong to die quickly. The following short video offers a possible solution.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Krugman Wants to Jettison Star Spangled Banner

Glenn Beck today reported that Paul Krugman is about to launch a movement to make "Yes! We Have No Bananas" the Official National Anthem. Beck stated that obviously he was not opposed to the change merely because of Mr. Krugman's liberal bias. It is well known that Francis Scott Keynes, the author of The Star Spangled Banner's lyrics was a well-known liberal economist who set aside his un-American beliefs in an alcohol-fueled fit of patriotic fervor to write the inspiring lyrics. Unknown setters then set those lyrics to the moving, and at the time popular, British Drinking Song, "Yes! We Have Salted Peanuts" to create an anthem unmatched in the panoply of national anthems. Even though I must side with Mr. Beck, who, as usual, is right, in the spirit of American fairness, may the best song win!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Unfairness of Thomas Friedman

Thomas Friedman sank to a new low in his November 16, 2010 column concerning President Obama's upcoming $2 billion trip to India, a trip that will cost $200 million a day. Friedman indicated that such reputable journalists as Matt Drudge, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Michael Savage reported that the trip would include 34 warships and 3,000 people. India’s Press Trust apparently failed to swear on a stack of Bhagavad Gitas that “an alleged Indian provincial official, from the Indian state of Maharashtra" supplied this information. I see no reason for Mr. Friedman to impugn the journalistic integrity of either the Press Trust or the aforementioned journalists. After all, Maharashtra is a genuine Indian state, and there is no evidence that any of its unknown provincial officials are liars. So kudos to Beck, Limbaugh, Drudge, and Savage for not lowering their standards with the gratuitous doubt of an unknown official, to whom Mr Friedman might considering apologizing. Why check facts just to please a few skeptics? What can we expect next, the flat earther Friedman to attack the Unknown Soldier?