New Tea Party Flag Clarifies the Message

David Barstow's excellent article in today's New York Times shows that The Tea Party is a movement whose time has come. History repeatedly has shown that a small, minority movement that the majority of people in a given culture find harmless and ridiculous may be neither. Sometimes such a movement strikes enough of a chord with enough of the population to wind up playing a tune that the aforementioned deriders wind up dancing to. Look at a certain party in 1930's Germany or the Republican Party in 2010 Massachusetts. These are just two among many. It seems that the Tea Party is about to join them.

Picking up momentum, the Party had Assistant Dragon in Charge of Advertising, Jerry Gierrechoff, come up with a new flag that already is a rousing hit. Heinz Edelmann, the 14-faceted creator of Pepperland, loved the flag's look, comparing its background to the color he used in "Yellow Submarine," except more uriney. Gary Gadsden, descendant of Christopher Gadsden, whose flag the new Tea Party flag resembles, laughed, "Old Chris must be spinning like a top, but he supposedly had a great sense of humor and would probably come back to give a speech to the Party if they'd agree to pay him a hundred thousand dollars. Ha, ha." A good sense of humor apparently runs in the family.

Mr. Gierrechoff told us that the flag's release is an indication that the Party wants to clarify its message. He said, "Glenn Beck has great American sponsors like General Motors, Campbell's, and Chrysler, who make great products and aren't connected to the Jewish bankers and green hippies who want to bring this country down. And ditto for the good oil people who support Sarah Palin. These people not only pump energy and money into the economy, but they actually write a lot of the laws that help us, the good laws, not the welfare and death panel laws that Obama and those people want. So if they're already writing the laws, do we really need Congress? Maybe all we need is a government that will help these good companies to govern us better and protect our liberties. We're all for more freedom for the police and the military.

"Look, most of our party's members got really scared after 9/11, and we agreed to give up our rights because we trusted George Bush and Dick Cheney to protect us. And, except for 9/11, they did. But we wouldn't have agreed to give the executive branch so much power if we'd known that the Homeland would go crazy and elect a Negro Socialist President. I mean, I have nothing against Negroes or even against National Socialists. We invite them to join our party. A lot of people come to our meetings, and we need food to be served and the place cleaned up, and Negroes, Mexicans and other servant-type people are genetically good at that. A lot of us in the Party are educated in science, you know. Sarah Palin, in particular, is a promoter of science.

"So what I'm trying to say is that we want a kind of rainbow coalition with the light colors on top and a pot of gold at the end. You know, we've already got a lot of thinkers in this party, and now we need some doers to do what we're thinking, and we invite all races to join us, even Moslems, if they agree to get baptized and eat pork, which real Americans should do. Heck, where would Osama bin Laden be if he didn't have people to go blow themselves up for him? We need good people too." Mr. Gierrechoff's reasoning impressed me, and I agreed that people of color should not hesitate to join the Tea Party and help all the good companies that govern us do a better job. So, what are you waiting for? Join up already people.

Strong New Evidence That 2008 Presidential Election Was Rigged

Jerome Corsi, one of the most intelligent people in the Republican Party, today adduced new evidence that the 2008 Presidential election was rigged.  Mr. Corsi has continued to research the events surrounding the election even though the powers that be have ignored his intellectually compelling argument that a group of relatively large islands more than 2,300 miles from the coast of California could not possibly ever have been part of the United States.  He clearly demonstrated in powerpoint presentations that those islands, each of which is poorly designed for travel, would have taken more than 6,000 years, the age of the earth, to travel 2,300 miles, even if fitted with outboard motors.  Therefore, there is no way Barack Obama could be a citizen even if he was older than 6,000, and that is impossible because the universe wasn't even in existence then.  He makes a persuasive argument that any reasonable jury of Heartlanders would find irresistible if this dispute had occurred in a court of law.

But his new assertion carries even more weight.  Would-be McCain voters have come forth to testify that Democrats used a scientific study to unfairly persuade them to cast their lots in with Obama.   The Santa Lucia Foundation in Rome, Italy, determined that mice who liked chocolate and then underwent a period of starvation before returning to their normal weights would ignore mild electric shocks in order to obtain chocolate.  This was in contrast to fat, chocolate-loving mice who had never suffered and would not brave the shock in order to obtain chocolate.  Paid Democratic scientists, who also support the myth of global warming, reasoned that they could use this test to persuade whites who had suffered, or whose ancestors had suffered, to override the considerable shock of even seeing a black candidate to actually vote for that candidate.

The Democratic elite was well aware that a lot of whites suffered at the hands of black people, both in the recent past, by having their Cadillacs or women stolen, and as far back as prior to 1865, when more than dozens of slaves shirked their duties or were unruly, causing their masters to actually have to work.  Prior to the bad behavior, however, the masters liked their slaves and treated them very well, sometimes helping them to make babies. "Science, particularly past life regression" said Mr. Corsi, "has made it clear that many white people still have painful genetic memories of those traumatic events and that such events are particularly confusing when concatenated with the affection they felt for their slaves.

"Therefore, their post traumatic stress naturally would prevent them from voting for a melanic candidate such as Mr. Obama.  However, the Italian study convinced the Democrats that offering white people ObamaBars, delicious, dark, bedeviled chocolate candy bars made in a Voodoo-style image of the President,

would persuade them to overcome their negative feelings and vote for Mr. Obama.  These innocent looking, mouth-watering treats were made by a secret partnership between Blue Frog Chocolates and the same Voodoo priests in New Orleans who are now suspects in influencing the outcome of the Super Bowl.  Mr. Corsi alleges that the priests put spells on the ObamaBars, causing many McCain supporters around the country to switch their votes to Obama.  And we can see without thinking too much that this must have caused McCain to lose an election he otherwise easily would have won.

Therefore, this new evidence should persuade us to consider holding the election again, while Mr. McCain still is in periodic touch with reality.  I have no doubt that the Supreme Court would agree with me.

Sarah Palin's Popularity Rises Sharply

The title of David S. Broder's column in The Washington Post today is "Sarah Palin displays her pitch-perfect populism." Mr. Broder reported, "When [Chris Wallace of FOX News] asked her what role she wants to play in the country's future, she said:

"First and foremost, I want to be a good mom, and I want to raise happy, healthy, independent children. And I want them to be good citizens of this great country.

"And then I do want to be a voice for some common-sense solutions. I'm never going to pretend like I know more than the next person. I'm not going to pretend to be an elitist. In fact, I'm going to fight the elitist, because for too often and for too long now, I think the elitists have tried to make people like me and people in the heartland of America feel like we just don't get it, and big government's just going to have to take care of us. Well, maybe some of us don't get it, but big business has been taking care of us just fine.

"The time for big government is over, except for the military, the only part of the government that works. As bad as the incompetent elitists who run most of our government are, that is how good the regular folks in the military are. The elitists pretend that we're all in danger of getting sick or going broke or having some big businessman stick his hand in our pants. That's just not true. Many more people die from terror, as a result of foreigners doing stuff like putting explosives in their underpants and blowing up buildings because this government is not protecting us.  Maybe martial law until this emergency is over would be the right thing to do.  I don't pretend to know.

"What I do know is we love liberty. But there are foreigners, those who are different from us normal, common-sense people, who want to take it away. The elitists who ask, 'What did we do to deserve this?' hate America. We are not perfect, but we almost are. We never did anything to deserve what they've done to us and want to do to us. They want to take our liberty. They want to take our God. That's why we're at war, why we've been in a state of emergency, making wartime sacrifices for almost ten years. That's why we must make small sacrifices, such as not criticizing our brave military or putting regulations on our businesses. Our economy was doing just fine until we overregulated and caused the problems we have now. George Bush would've solved the problem by now. That's why we've got to get rid of Obama and the other Democrats who have caused these problems.

"You see, a big part of the problem is when you get these people who aren't heartland people. You know, like Indians or Mexicans or blacks. They get money from big government and go get things like Cadillacs and fancy degrees, like in science or something, and get a good affirmative action job and think they're elite and better than the rest of us who built this country and love it. We slaved to make this country the home of the free and the land of the brave. It's our country, and it shouldn't be taken over by elites."

A recent poll shows that many Americans are responding to Sarah Palin's message. It is not very surprising that whites and retards, most of whom are against progressive agendas like evolution and getting power directly from the sun without going through 6,000 year old fossil fuels, really like what Ms. Palin is saying. It is a persuasive message, one that many heartland people wholeheartedly have taken to heart. That is the reason for the sharp rise in her popularity among many Americans.

Elites may disagree, but we won't go into that now, since this really isn't their country. Palin also has not yet won over some of the non-elites. For example, Josh "The Ponceman" Perry, charismatic star of "Retarded Policeman," who is both white and retarded, stated that the poor memory Ms. Palin demonstrates by having to write notes on her hand disturbs him profoundly. He said, "They would have fired me a long time ago if I couldn't remember my lines, and the scripts in my films are far more complex than her speeches." When I told him that Mr. Broder gave Ms. Palin a vote of confidence, stating, "Those who want to stop her will need more ammunition than deriding her habit of writing on her hand. The lady is good." Mr. Perry conceded, "Yes she is, for a f#!%ing retard."