Weiner Tweets Cause Lilly Stock to Rise

The price of Eli Lilly stock has become engorged following New York Rep. Anthony Weiner’s revelatory tweets. As detailed here on February 25, 2010, Eli Lilly was well aware of Mr. Weiner’s potency and appropriately named its powerful new product after the virile New Yorker. It’s taken awhile, but Cialis Weiner has been flying off the shelves since the recent, inadvertent ad campaign. It has done particularly well in southern states, where until now, conservative males were reluctant to use what they thought might be a New York Jew product. However they are, above all, Americans and as such wish to return the salute of their fellow American. I salute them and Mr. Weiner and wish Eli Lilly shareholders continued success.

Financial Institutions May Have Contributed to Financial Crisis!

A bipartisan commission has concluded that the primary causes of the financial crisis were not poor people trying to get something for nothing, but our beloved major financial institutions and the impotent individuals the government assigned to oversee and regulate them. I didn't read the report yet but assume that it is characterized by the shock and amazement that we would expect from those who weren't aware that the financial institutions involved were instrumental in choosing, with their Supreme Court (not Constitutional) - given right of free speech as individuals, the government officials who appointed the regulators. Financial institutions, like all corporations, must be pretty damn good individuals; when is the last time you saw a corporation tried and imprisoned for a crime? Maybe that's because, "Corporations don't kill people. Only people other than corporations kill people."

Even so, I've got to go with Glenn Beck and the Tea Party on this one. Them damn "poor people" somehow found a way to adversely influence the good corporations so that they became uncharacteristically incompetent and joined the government to cause the crisis. Madness. Meanwhile, the so-called "poor people" sat back in their free homes, eating their Cheetos and laughing at us and our good friends, the duped rich people. This has got to stop. The government must appoint another commission to find out exactly how the "poor people" pulled this one off. Maybe then we can get back some of our money that they've got stuffed in their mattresses.