Strong New Evidence That 2008 Presidential Election Was Rigged

Jerome Corsi, one of the most intelligent people in the Republican Party, today adduced new evidence that the 2008 Presidential election was rigged.  Mr. Corsi has continued to research the events surrounding the election even though the powers that be have ignored his intellectually compelling argument that a group of relatively large islands more than 2,300 miles from the coast of California could not possibly ever have been part of the United States.  He clearly demonstrated in powerpoint presentations that those islands, each of which is poorly designed for travel, would have taken more than 6,000 years, the age of the earth, to travel 2,300 miles, even if fitted with outboard motors.  Therefore, there is no way Barack Obama could be a citizen even if he was older than 6,000, and that is impossible because the universe wasn't even in existence then.  He makes a persuasive argument that any reasonable jury of Heartlanders would find irresistible if this dispute had occurred in a court of law.

But his new assertion carries even more weight.  Would-be McCain voters have come forth to testify that Democrats used a scientific study to unfairly persuade them to cast their lots in with Obama.   The Santa Lucia Foundation in Rome, Italy, determined that mice who liked chocolate and then underwent a period of starvation before returning to their normal weights would ignore mild electric shocks in order to obtain chocolate.  This was in contrast to fat, chocolate-loving mice who had never suffered and would not brave the shock in order to obtain chocolate.  Paid Democratic scientists, who also support the myth of global warming, reasoned that they could use this test to persuade whites who had suffered, or whose ancestors had suffered, to override the considerable shock of even seeing a black candidate to actually vote for that candidate.

The Democratic elite was well aware that a lot of whites suffered at the hands of black people, both in the recent past, by having their Cadillacs or women stolen, and as far back as prior to 1865, when more than dozens of slaves shirked their duties or were unruly, causing their masters to actually have to work.  Prior to the bad behavior, however, the masters liked their slaves and treated them very well, sometimes helping them to make babies. "Science, particularly past life regression" said Mr. Corsi, "has made it clear that many white people still have painful genetic memories of those traumatic events and that such events are particularly confusing when concatenated with the affection they felt for their slaves.

"Therefore, their post traumatic stress naturally would prevent them from voting for a melanic candidate such as Mr. Obama.  However, the Italian study convinced the Democrats that offering white people ObamaBars, delicious, dark, bedeviled chocolate candy bars made in a Voodoo-style image of the President,

would persuade them to overcome their negative feelings and vote for Mr. Obama.  These innocent looking, mouth-watering treats were made by a secret partnership between Blue Frog Chocolates and the same Voodoo priests in New Orleans who are now suspects in influencing the outcome of the Super Bowl.  Mr. Corsi alleges that the priests put spells on the ObamaBars, causing many McCain supporters around the country to switch their votes to Obama.  And we can see without thinking too much that this must have caused McCain to lose an election he otherwise easily would have won.

Therefore, this new evidence should persuade us to consider holding the election again, while Mr. McCain still is in periodic touch with reality.  I have no doubt that the Supreme Court would agree with me.