Next Year's Super Bowl Halftime Will Be Super

AARP, "leading a revolution in the way old people view and live life after sex has become either boring or impossible for them," complained to the NFL and Bridgestone, the sponsors of the Super Bowl halftime show, that the cutting edge acts starring in recent shows give the appearance that old people either do not like football or are too senile to grasp what they are seeing on the TV screen. AARP President Jennie Chin Hansen stated that acts like Prince, The Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, and The Who, who are making this year's show part of their seventeenth farewell tour, are fine for whippersnappers but leave those she represents "drooling in their barcaloungers in indifference." 

John Baratta, president of Bridgestone's consumer replacement tire business, upon first hearing Hansen's complaint, replied that he "really is not so concerned with what AARP thinks because old people generally drive so slowly and badly that it doesn't make any difference what kind of tires they have on their cars; they'll be dead soon anyway."  Hansen, ignoring or not hearing what Baratta said, persisted in her complaints until Baratta conceded that she might have a point.  So Bridgestone and the NFL have reached an agreement with AARP to cosponsor The Coasters, whose hits include Little Egypt (Ying-Yang), Down In Mexico, Along Came Jones, and Charlie Brown, in next year's show.  This is an apt choice, since the Cleveland Browns and their brilliant coach Eric Mangini, Cleveland's own "Charlie Brown," will be many experts' favorite to represent the AFC next year.

A mollified Hansen reflected, "I am satisfied with our arrangement and hope I didn't ruffle too many feathers.  I mean, what's wrong with the Coasters?  They're great.  It's not like I'm trying to dig up any old act just to appeal to a particular demographic.  I do hope that the NFL and whoever sponsors future shows do continue to consult me.  I'm sure we could agree to have acts that appeal to all ages, like the Beatles and the Doors, appear in the future."