Rudi Assauer Prefers Sex with American Footballers

Former football manager Rudi Assauer let us know in an exclusive interview that the famous Sigmund Freud quote, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," is not true. Assauer said, "Not only did Freud never say that, but it is not true that the cigar is just the cigar. To me, it is the cock of my old Samoan-American friend, Esera Tuaolo. Here. I will show you a photograph of us together during one of the best weeks of my life, when I was able to get away from the primitive Eurotrash who usually surround me.

"When I was with my friend Esera and the wonderfully masculine American footballers I was able to let my feminine side out and show the world who I really am. Not only did we have such fun that week, but I experienced the best sex of my life with Esera, who, shall I say, 'expanded my horizons' in a way I had never before experienced."

So I say, 'There is no place in football for gays' because European footballers are so preciously, mincingly masculine, prancing around in their little speedos. They are not at all like the Americans, who I found to be good and simple and hard. I would never, as the Americans say, 'put out' for any of these disingenuously homophobic European sissies even though so many of them probably would love for me to suck their little cocks like I do my cigars. That's why I say ridiculous things like, 'I never in my life met a gay person.' I will humor these idiots for as long as I'm here. Then, when I'm ready, I'll go back to America, where I can wear my little black dress with pride. I hope to find a real man like Esera and happily live out my life being who I really am."

Good luck to you Rudi. We wish you well.

Pat Robertson Warns New Orleans

A reliable source reported that Pat Robertson dropped 50 dimes on the Super Bowl due to his misplaced faith in Peyton Manning.  Mr. Robertson stated, "All the experts, even the New York Times, were talking about this guy being the second coming.  All I've been hearing for the past month is that he studies film 23 hours a day, teaches his coaches how the game should be played, and intimidates these 350 pound offensive linemen into protecting him just by giving them that look of his.  Hell, I used to think Tom Brady was as good as Peyton until that supermodel wife he married sapped and impurified all his precious bodily fluids.  I learned though.  I thought I saw the light.

"Jesus H. Christ......the way Peyton played this year?  Damn.  There's no way that little putz Brees could outplay him.  Not unless there was something hinky.  It's not the 50 grand that bothers me so much.  There's a sucker born every minute.  I'll get the money back in no time.  It's just that I don't like feeling like a f*!#ing retard!  Now I'm really thinking that something's not kosher.  The way God punished New Orleans with Katrina.  There's no way he's gonna let them win the Super Bowl less than five years later.

"Then, after the game, I hear Brees say, 'God is great.'  Wait a minute.  I've heard that before. 'Allahu Akbar.'  Man, Brees was is in on this thing too. That's when I realized....the Goddam devil again.  He made a pact with those bastards so they could beat somebody that obviously no human could beat.  I should've figured.  Well, I'm not only gonna go get my money back from my sheep, but I'm gonna buy up a bunch of cheap property in that stinking town, take out a shitload of flood insurance, and laugh my ass off all the way to the bank when God drowns those bastards like the rats they are. God IS great."

We wanted confirm this story as being 100% accurate, so we tried to get God's take on it. The only communication we received was the following:

Next Year's Super Bowl Halftime Will Be Super

AARP, "leading a revolution in the way old people view and live life after sex has become either boring or impossible for them," complained to the NFL and Bridgestone, the sponsors of the Super Bowl halftime show, that the cutting edge acts starring in recent shows give the appearance that old people either do not like football or are too senile to grasp what they are seeing on the TV screen. AARP President Jennie Chin Hansen stated that acts like Prince, The Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, and The Who, who are making this year's show part of their seventeenth farewell tour, are fine for whippersnappers but leave those she represents "drooling in their barcaloungers in indifference." 

John Baratta, president of Bridgestone's consumer replacement tire business, upon first hearing Hansen's complaint, replied that he "really is not so concerned with what AARP thinks because old people generally drive so slowly and badly that it doesn't make any difference what kind of tires they have on their cars; they'll be dead soon anyway."  Hansen, ignoring or not hearing what Baratta said, persisted in her complaints until Baratta conceded that she might have a point.  So Bridgestone and the NFL have reached an agreement with AARP to cosponsor The Coasters, whose hits include Little Egypt (Ying-Yang), Down In Mexico, Along Came Jones, and Charlie Brown, in next year's show.  This is an apt choice, since the Cleveland Browns and their brilliant coach Eric Mangini, Cleveland's own "Charlie Brown," will be many experts' favorite to represent the AFC next year.

A mollified Hansen reflected, "I am satisfied with our arrangement and hope I didn't ruffle too many feathers.  I mean, what's wrong with the Coasters?  They're great.  It's not like I'm trying to dig up any old act just to appeal to a particular demographic.  I do hope that the NFL and whoever sponsors future shows do continue to consult me.  I'm sure we could agree to have acts that appeal to all ages, like the Beatles and the Doors, appear in the future."

One Year Old Quarterback Commits to Notre Dame

Not to be outdone by USC's increasingly aggressive recruitment, newly hired Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly secured a commitment from one year old Rocky Rumzinger to accept a football scholarship. Rumzinger, who does not yet attend school, drew the attention of local fans and scouts when his Mayberry Street Steelers easily defeated the Mayberry Street Aardvarks in that street's annual championship game for preschoolers.  The youngest player in the game, he dominated, completing 3 of 26 passes for an excellent 13.6 quarterback rating.  Kelly, who attended the game, said, "His scrambling ability is just amazing, and he can throw an out pattern across his body while rolling to his right, and I mean rolling, which is something rare in a player his age." Notre Dame fans can't wait to see him suit up, and the Pope has blessed the agreement. Pat Robertson said that no pact with the devil was involved.

A Texas-Size Mistake at Tech

Texas Tech University fired its head football coach, Mike Leach, on Wednesday, December 30, 2009, a day that will live in infamy. One of Coach Leach's players has alleged that after the player sustained a mild concussion, disabling him for regular practice, the coach made him choose between standing in a small, dark enclosure or leaving the team. The school did not explain how this irregular practice damaged the young, fit, albeit slightly concussed, football player.

Granted, standing in a dark enclosure is not a regular form of practice for any football team that I am aware of, but if you were to poll a representative sample of college football players, I'd be willing to bet that most of them would consider such an activity to be far less rigorous than their regular practices. My only objection to it would be that it is too Buddhistically peace inspiring and might cause a red-blooded young American male to step meditatively from the darkness onto the eightfold path to enlightenment instead of onto the onefold path to kick his opponents' asses.

This is one reason groups like Al Qaeda laugh at us. We've become a collection of couch turnips, scared to do anything as dangerous as standing in a dark closet for a couple of hours and unfit for any activities but watching TV, twittering, and tweeting. Are we men or birds? You might say, “I am a man with a birdbrain, and what my muscles lack in definition my HDTV more than makes up for, and that's the way I like it.”

“This," I would reply, “is not only not funny, but it is not true.”

The people who wish to destroy us do think it is funny, and some of those people are pirates. While you may be laughing at Coach Leach for his enthusiasm about pirates, somewhere a Somali pirate, whom the Coach emphatically does not endorse, is laughing at you. Keep this enthusiasm in mind, because if Coach Leach really wanted to discipline the player he would not have made him stand in a closet, something even the most sissified pirate would consider a joke. He would have keel-hauled him or made him walk the plank, probably preventing the player from ever complaining about another minor concussion. Right now, Osama and his advisers are probably sitting around the fire enjoying a goat while they laugh about how they now can just hit the Americans on the head, making them complain to their fathers, who will see that their leaders are fired.

We need more, not fewer, leaders like Coach Leach, men who are more like pirates than bureaucrats, men who aren't afraid to help mold the characters of their charges by giving them the occasional time out. How can they fire this man for acting more like SuperNanny than Captain Hook? He deserves a TV show, not a pink slip. He is a hero, and we would not enjoy the freedoms we do if men such as he, landlubbers as well as pirates, had not occasionally put others in the closet. Many of them should have stayed there, but that is another issue.

Arrrggghhh and Happy New Year mateys!