FBI Questions Trigger Involvement in Alleged Cryer Hit Plan

Two days ago "Crimesider" reported that the FBI had been investigating an allegation that Jon Cryer, costar of "Two and a Half Men," made against his ex-wife, Sarah Trigger.  Cryer has stated that Trigger hired a hit man to kill him.  Ryan Smith reported, "Cryer and Trigger went through what has been described as a very bitter divorce and are involved in a custody fight....Vicki Greene, a lawyer for Trigger, denies that her client had any involvement."  Ryan wrote that Ms. Greene said, "The allegations are ridiculous.  Look at Jon and look at my client.  She could kick his ass all by herself. She not only outweighs him by a substantial amount, but he's obviously a wimp.  Don't you watch the show?"  Ryan said he didn't, that "Heroes" and "24" are on at the same time and his VCR can only tape one while he's watching the other.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, who is heading the investigation, also said he doesn't watch the show but that he agrees Trigger probably could kick Jon's ass all by herself.  Even so, he's looking into the allegations and is waiting for the dwarf who regularly appears in his dreams to give him further direction.  He said he'd also like to interview Bob Sheen, who currently is involved in the ongoing situation between his parents, Charlie and Brooke.  Agent Cooper saw a tape of Jon, Bob, and Trigger at last year's Emmy Awards and, "things just didn't look right" to him.

He added that he's having a hard time finding a good cup of coffee in the Burbank area but that the pie is fine.

New Evidence Looking Good for Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen has returned to Hollywood to continue work on his hit TV show, "Two And A Half Men," while his wife, Brooke Mueller, will remain in Aspen with their adorable twin sons, Bob and Max.

An unnamed source close to the Aspen police department said that a possible motive for Mr. Sheen's alleged actions may have surfaced. Sheen has stated that the previous administration covered up evidence in the investigation of 9/11. The source said, "Brooke's a real George Bush fan and was pissed off at Charlie trying to get him. Bob and Max are real close to her and mind her more than anybody else. Them two are cute as little bunnies to look at, but they're no angels.

Max is a real loner, always ridin' around on his bike actin' mad about somethin' or other, and Bob's always hidin' and jumpin' out at kids with a rubber knife, scarin' the bejesus out of em. Hell, when the cops first got the call and heard it was a knife incident they thought Bob did it." He added that there is evidence that Brooke and her sons coerced Mr. Sheen into watching episodes of "Jersey Shore," resulting in his disorientation, drug use, and subsequent unusually deranged actions. There's also evidence that Bob gave his father the knife.

Paul Krugman agreed that the Bush family's involvement in the incident should be considered, since Mr. Sheen played a large part in the expansion of the economy during Bill Clinton's administration. It is common knowledge that Sheen's business activities with Heidi Fleiss in the early 1990's pumped enough liquidity into the economy to help pull it out of the doldrums, which, we all know, were not caused by the administrations of Ronald Reagan or George Herbert Walker Bush. However, many Democrats and other left-leaning ideologues did not see it that way, and some went so far as to blame the Elder Bush for the deficit, among other things, even though large deficits really are not such a bad thing.

This undeserved blame and the diminution of the deficit under Bill Clinton so angered the elder Bush's son, George W., that the younger Bush decided to make his own run for President. A winner, George W. not only restored the deficit, but he had one bigger than his father's. In addition to that, he got even with Saddam Hussein for that barbarian's unsuccessful attempt on the Elder Bush's life. W could have done no more to gain the love and respect of his father. So it is easy to see why he would feel crushed when his father started hanging around with Bill Clinton and taking him places he should have been taking his own son. The Aspen police are working on the theory that W might have been trying to get even with Charlie Sheen for disrespecting his father and helping Bill Clinton save the economy (even though we all know that Clinton did nothing good for the economy), driving a wedge into the heart of the Bush clan.

Charlie Sheen is not yet off the hook, but it's looking better for him every day. Let's hope that this incident doesn't adversely affect his performance in "Two And A Half Men." And for the sake of W and the alleged co-conspirators, let's pray that the interrogations of Brooke, Max, and Bob are not informed by W's views on torture.