Rudi Assauer Prefers Sex with American Footballers

Former football manager Rudi Assauer let us know in an exclusive interview that the famous Sigmund Freud quote, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," is not true. Assauer said, "Not only did Freud never say that, but it is not true that the cigar is just the cigar. To me, it is the cock of my old Samoan-American friend, Esera Tuaolo. Here. I will show you a photograph of us together during one of the best weeks of my life, when I was able to get away from the primitive Eurotrash who usually surround me.

"When I was with my friend Esera and the wonderfully masculine American footballers I was able to let my feminine side out and show the world who I really am. Not only did we have such fun that week, but I experienced the best sex of my life with Esera, who, shall I say, 'expanded my horizons' in a way I had never before experienced."

So I say, 'There is no place in football for gays' because European footballers are so preciously, mincingly masculine, prancing around in their little speedos. They are not at all like the Americans, who I found to be good and simple and hard. I would never, as the Americans say, 'put out' for any of these disingenuously homophobic European sissies even though so many of them probably would love for me to suck their little cocks like I do my cigars. That's why I say ridiculous things like, 'I never in my life met a gay person.' I will humor these idiots for as long as I'm here. Then, when I'm ready, I'll go back to America, where I can wear my little black dress with pride. I hope to find a real man like Esera and happily live out my life being who I really am."

Good luck to you Rudi. We wish you well.

Family Study Threatens Traditional Marriage

A recent Journal of Marriage and Family study "argues that 'fatherless' children are not necessarily at a disadvantage and that men do not provide a different set of parenting skills than women." The study found that two mothers tended to play with their children more than a traditional mother and father would. This is fine if you want your children to grow up thinking that play is important. Unfortunately, playing with your children will not put the fear of God into them or give them the proper respect for authority.

Also, the secular scientists responsible for the study minimized certain aspects that any Biblically grounded scientist would have considered important. For example, they brushed aside as unimportant the finding that boys raised by two mothers tended frequently "to get the shit beat out of them because they threw like girls." Also, since two mothers did not physically discipline their children as often as any proper father would, their daughters were less likely to recognize the natural, God-given supremacy of males, diminishing their chances of getting married. Two-mother sons experienced debilitating confusion when traditionally-raised boys beat them for throwing like girls because they didn't know which mother to go running to. Sometimes they just fell down in a state of catatonic confusion. Also, lesbians tended to raise boys who, as men, experienced unnatural multiple orgasms and persistently talked about their feelings for up to several minutes after each one whether or not anyone else was present.

When two fathers raise girls there are less severe drawbacks, with 67.2% of daughters suffering from OCRD, number 2184 of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This Obsessive Compulsive Disorder compels the sufferer to repeatedly redecorate her environment while singing show tunes. It usually is more annoying than dangerous unless heavy furniture, such as a grand piano, is present, in which case the sufferer may try to move and play the piano at the same time. This can be fatal. Xanax has been used to treat OCRD successfully. One side effect, unfortunately, is death.

I can conclude only that more studies are necessary before we decide that two mothers or two fathers can replace the traditional father-mother family. However, even if further studies show that two mothers or two fathers have, on average, parenting skills superior to those of a heterosexual couple, we should ignore them because, if we don't, God will punish us, and then where will we be? Haiti?