Why Women Should Not Study Science

Amy Bishop, the prime suspect in the shooting deaths of three of her colleagues at the University of Alabama last Friday, is a tragic tale of science gone wrong.  Those who describe Amy Bishop as an awkward, introverted oddball miss the deeper meaning this tragic story has to tell us all.  Her profession demanded that she regularly appear before young women and men, inappropriately exposing not only her body, but her rational mind to those around her.

Her valiant attempt to override a woman's natural inclination to stay away from masculine disciplines such as science, mathematics, and vigorous sports was not sufficient to overcome the side effects of such inappropriate involvement, as described in the Clinical Handbook of Psychological Disorders.  For example, "The percentage of the female brain dedicated to rational thought is far smaller than that equipped to handle whimsy, seduction, cooking, and other feminine matters.  Extended overuse of such a small area can cause it to burn out as though one were to try to use a AAA battery to run a refrigerator."

The unfortunate Ms. Bishop appears to have been a victim of our rush to fill the vacuum left by so many men deserting the fields of mathematics and science to find careers in the NFL, NBA, and Rock and Roll.  Many so-called progressives in certain backward societies, such as China and Europe, argue that not using the brainpower of women is tantamount to wasting one half of a society's potential.  If the brainpower they are talking about is women's power to deal with scientific and other rational problems, most neuroscientists would agree that it is more like wasting 5%.  Not "wasting" that 5% will throw many women into situations so demanding that they will burn out like Amy Bishop did or worse.  Who then knows how many innocent men will be shot and how many will suffer from not having someone to cook for them?  These women, now truly wasted, will not be available to tend to the needs of men, who, with a little feminine help, could have made important contributions in fields like intelligent design and fantasy football, allowing America to maintain its preeminence in the world. 

Democrats, seemingly blind to this problem, continue to waste America's resources on voodoo science like global warming and toxicology.  Those of us more inclined to rationally evaluate the evidence are far more willing to trust the former to God and the latter to Monsanto, where they belong.  Let us concentrate our rational powers on fine-tuning the most intelligently designed society in an intelligently designed world.  Some ask me, "Eeborg, why do you believe in intelligent design, when it can't be disproved?" I answer, "Who do you think I am, Karl Popper?  If it can't be disproved, then obviously it's true.  If science were a matter of trial and error, we'd be making mistakes all the time.  We've taken the error out of science by removing the possibility of the falsification of our propositions. Let Karl go back to his friend Orville Redenbacher and leave the science to us.  What we assert no man can disprove."

The backward countries do not believe this and are even accelerating their headlong rush into so-called science like global warming, which is open to falsification.  Why waste so much in the pursuit of something that might not even exist?  They will feel like such fools if it turns out that the world is not heating up and those Pacific islands are really sinking because so much water actually is freezing and expanding, causing the sea level to rise as giant, unseen ice cubes proliferate under our proverbial noses.  Oh, well; it's their decision.

Having decided to immerse ourselves in unfalsifiable reality and pragmatism, one thing many of us true heartland Americans are coming to believe is that we have much to learn from our Islamic brethren.  We can't disprove what they believe just as they can't disprove what we believe, and obviously, we can't both be wrong.  So, we are equally scientific and should look at where our ground is common.  Let us return to the issue of women.

The well-known author and fallen Islamic princess, Jacqueline Pascarl, finally has let us know what women want, explaining, "I learnt that the primary reason women are required by Islamic societies (the majority of which are patriarchal) to swathe themselves in fabrics and cover their collar bones, necks, arms, legs, ankles, calves, chests, elbows, shoulders, throats, thighs, ears, napes of necks, hair and in some cases, faces, is that women are culturally condemned to the role of seductress and are considered untrustworthy, immoral humans, driven to tempt men and bring down the bastions of male self-control. The fine shape of an ankle, or a tendril of hair – a glimpse of which can send a mere male into a sexual frenzy, are the tools of seduction.  In essence and to outline it crudely – the veil, much lauded by so called Islamic teachings, is a protection for men against we voracious vixens of the mortal world. Not, as so many pundits state, a protection for women against men."

If American men had been aware of the intentions of the voracious vixens among us, we no doubt would have tried to cover them up to prevent the persistently recurring sexual frenzy that plagues us.  We might have been spared many sad episodes, such as those involving Tiger Woods, Warren Beatty, Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich and Woody Allen, strong men, all of whom succumbed to immoral, voracious vixens in their midsts.  And if, in addition, a liberal and unreasonably demanding society had not tricked women into the study of unsuitable subjects, Amy Bishop wouldn't have cracked under the pressure of brain strain and the embarrassing exposure of her body and mind.

It is not too late to act.  Before it becomes necessary to pass laws governing the behavior of women, let's see if they can't restrain themselves.  They should allow men to concentrate on science and other masculine pursuits while they engage in what is safe for them to do without excessively taxing their brains.  While engaged in feminine, frivolous pursuits, women should be considerate enough to cover up as much of their bodies as possible so that we men, who remain so feebly vulnerable to the charms that God gave them, may concentrate on the real work that will keep America the greatest civilization the universe ever has seen.

Pat Robertson Warns New Orleans

A reliable source reported that Pat Robertson dropped 50 dimes on the Super Bowl due to his misplaced faith in Peyton Manning.  Mr. Robertson stated, "All the experts, even the New York Times, were talking about this guy being the second coming.  All I've been hearing for the past month is that he studies film 23 hours a day, teaches his coaches how the game should be played, and intimidates these 350 pound offensive linemen into protecting him just by giving them that look of his.  Hell, I used to think Tom Brady was as good as Peyton until that supermodel wife he married sapped and impurified all his precious bodily fluids.  I learned though.  I thought I saw the light.

"Jesus H. Christ......the way Peyton played this year?  Damn.  There's no way that little putz Brees could outplay him.  Not unless there was something hinky.  It's not the 50 grand that bothers me so much.  There's a sucker born every minute.  I'll get the money back in no time.  It's just that I don't like feeling like a f*!#ing retard!  Now I'm really thinking that something's not kosher.  The way God punished New Orleans with Katrina.  There's no way he's gonna let them win the Super Bowl less than five years later.

"Then, after the game, I hear Brees say, 'God is great.'  Wait a minute.  I've heard that before. 'Allahu Akbar.'  Man, Brees was is in on this thing too. That's when I realized....the Goddam devil again.  He made a pact with those bastards so they could beat somebody that obviously no human could beat.  I should've figured.  Well, I'm not only gonna go get my money back from my sheep, but I'm gonna buy up a bunch of cheap property in that stinking town, take out a shitload of flood insurance, and laugh my ass off all the way to the bank when God drowns those bastards like the rats they are. God IS great."

We wanted confirm this story as being 100% accurate, so we tried to get God's take on it. The only communication we received was the following:

Pamela Anderson's Conversion to Pastafarianism Nearly Fatal

In the Galactic Confederacy seventy five million years ago, when Xenu did his tax audit of John Travolta and Tom Cruise, he found discrepancies in their returns. This made Xenu unhappy. So he froze the two would-be actors and sent them to earth, better known as "Teegeeack".  Their frozen, disembodied souls proceeded to find nice looking bodies, which learned to pretend to be other people while yet other people filmed them. This made them rich, got them hot women, gave them the time and means (string, tin cans, lie detector, paranoia) to talk to dead space aliens, and allowed them to live mostly happily ever after, not only scientifically proving that L. Ron Hubbard is a great writer and religious figure, but that Scientology works and deserves all the respect that the other religions get.  

Some of the few bumps in their respective roads arose when they encountered Pamela Anderson, who was on a mission to become, without the aid of silicone, even more ethereal than she already was.  John and Tom, hoping to land another big name convert, told her all about the self improvement aspect of their official religion.  John put on his pilot uniform and flew her around on one of his planes, and Tom showed her the best way to jump up and down on a couch without stretching her ligaments.  These activities impressed her, and everybody had fun, but this wasn't quite what she had been looking for.  After all, Pamela already was about as improved as she could get and was aware that for some time she had been operating under the law of diminishing returns and the law of gravity but definitely not the law of diminishing gravity.  John and Tom's secrecy about Xenu and their ability to talk to dead space aliens appears to have been a major miscalculation on their part if they indeed really wanted to convince her to convert to Scientology.  Would either of them have tried to unload one of their underwater mortgages by hiding an amenity like a neat backyard swimming pool with a water slide and combination fire pit-wet bar?  I think not.

While half-heartedly considering joining the Official Church of Scientology, Ms. Anderson heard about the less official Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  The first time she gazed upon a representation of His Googly Eyes and Noodly Appendage, she wanted to become a Pastafarian.  It was too late for John and Tom and the aliens.  They had lost their recruit.  Little did they know that she'd always been a sucker for noodly appendages, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster had the biggest and best she'd ever seen.  Yes, THE biggest and best.  Hard to believe, but it's twue. It's twue. 

Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Governor of California, was busy trying to fix his state's economy by sending its old people to Florida.  However, Pat Robertson reported that Mr. Schwarzenegger also made a pact with the devil to get some help in easing the state's economic woes.  This resulted in God punishing California by sending an army of giant squid to invade its coastal waters.  Mr. Robertson had no information as to whether Xenu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster were also involved in the invasion, but it is doubtful even though some space aliens hint that Xenu is prone to that type of prank.

Not aware of this invasion, Pamela Anderson went on with her A*Muse fashion show in Miami.  The people of South Florida were not amused, and the only twenty people to show up were old people whom Schwarzenegger had sent to Florida.  They inadvertently got off the bus in front of the Miami nightclub where Pamela was holding her show, went in for what they thought would be a quick drink, and cheerfully prevented the show from being a complete flop.  Pamela was grateful, and having her own ship, very quickly sailed to California to thank its governor for saving her show.

Reaching the Coast of Southern California, Pamela saw noodly appendages in the water, and thinking it was the Giant Spaghetti Monster there to welcome her, she could not resist jumping in. Alas, it was not her new god, but rather the Christian god's invading squid army. The situation rapidly deteriorated when a big squid grabbed her.  Nearby fishermen tried to divert the squid's attention by dangling a delectable little bait squid in front of the enormous creature.

However, the giant squid apparently was either a male or a lesbian and continued in its attempt to devour the appetizing Anderson.  Fortunately or unfortunately, depending upon how you look at it, the squid's limited throat was unable to accommodate Pamela's breasts, and he regretfully choked her up into the water, where her unexpectedly amazing buoyancy allowed the cheering fishermen to pull her to safety.

Ms. Anderson blamed this incident on the State of California's pact with the devil, but, being a Pastafarian, she forgave Arnold Schwarzenegger and contacted Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, to help publicize the need for women in Coastal Southern California to, as soon as possible, get breast implants sufficiently large to choke a giant squid.  Ms. Sebelius reportedly replied that there really was no need to do that.

Sarah Palin, Innovator

"Dedicated to building America's future, supporting fresh ideas and candidates who share our vision for reform and innovation," Sarah Palin's official PAC has hit the ground running. Even though there are many wonderful potential Republican Presidential candidates to consider, Ms. Palin's PAC gives us fast food for thought. "SarahPAC believes America's best days are ahead. Our country, founded on conservative principles and the fight for freedom, must confront the challenges of the 21st century with integrity, innovation, and determination."

Opposing the dogmatic scientific elite that has gotten a leg up on our neck, Ms. Palin, with integrity and determination, offers to defend the conservative principles of this nation. Even though the founding fathers did not mention God in the Constitution, we are well aware that they meant God to be the Rock upon which the Republic rests. Do not ask us how we know. It is simple. We just know. We believe. They were Christians. We are Christians. Could the connection or their intention be be any more clear?

Ms. Palin realizes that we must innovate in order to compete with the Chinese, Indians, Italians and other non-Christians who, if they gain greater economic power, might use it to threaten our freedom. Living right next door to the Russians, she literally can see that their brand of Christianity really is un-American, even though she gives them credit for trying. She heartily disagrees with the elite's view that Christian beliefs would stifle progress. Did they prevent us from inventing the dinosaur saddle?

Did they make us think that a square wheel would be better than the one we invented? Believing in the literal Word of God, Christains innovated and then innovated some more, coming up not only with the saddle, the wheel, and the Ark, but with atomic bombs, video games, ShamWow, and countless other great inventions in the 6,000 or so years since we were kicked out of the Garden.

As you can see, Christianity does not impede innovation. It is the Lord's spark that ignites the creative imagination, keeping us ahead of the elite, secular science - embracing foreigners. If we want to maintain our scientific lead, we must prevent these secularists from poisoning our scientific progress with their unfounded beliefs. Just yesterday a marine dinosaur ate a tourist off the coast of Cape Town, South Africa, prompting Ms. Palin to state, "This is proof that man and dinosaurs have coexisted and that dinosaurs do not have feathers. South Africa is our ally, so I think I'll get my wolf hunting plane and go down there and bust a cap in that dinosaur's ass, pick him up before he gets fossilized, and show all you secularists who like to date carbon that Christian Science is the only way to understand the world and the universe that revolves around us."

Amen.