Pamela Anderson's Conversion to Pastafarianism Nearly Fatal

In the Galactic Confederacy seventy five million years ago, when Xenu did his tax audit of John Travolta and Tom Cruise, he found discrepancies in their returns. This made Xenu unhappy. So he froze the two would-be actors and sent them to earth, better known as "Teegeeack".  Their frozen, disembodied souls proceeded to find nice looking bodies, which learned to pretend to be other people while yet other people filmed them. This made them rich, got them hot women, gave them the time and means (string, tin cans, lie detector, paranoia) to talk to dead space aliens, and allowed them to live mostly happily ever after, not only scientifically proving that L. Ron Hubbard is a great writer and religious figure, but that Scientology works and deserves all the respect that the other religions get.  

Some of the few bumps in their respective roads arose when they encountered Pamela Anderson, who was on a mission to become, without the aid of silicone, even more ethereal than she already was.  John and Tom, hoping to land another big name convert, told her all about the self improvement aspect of their official religion.  John put on his pilot uniform and flew her around on one of his planes, and Tom showed her the best way to jump up and down on a couch without stretching her ligaments.  These activities impressed her, and everybody had fun, but this wasn't quite what she had been looking for.  After all, Pamela already was about as improved as she could get and was aware that for some time she had been operating under the law of diminishing returns and the law of gravity but definitely not the law of diminishing gravity.  John and Tom's secrecy about Xenu and their ability to talk to dead space aliens appears to have been a major miscalculation on their part if they indeed really wanted to convince her to convert to Scientology.  Would either of them have tried to unload one of their underwater mortgages by hiding an amenity like a neat backyard swimming pool with a water slide and combination fire pit-wet bar?  I think not.

While half-heartedly considering joining the Official Church of Scientology, Ms. Anderson heard about the less official Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  The first time she gazed upon a representation of His Googly Eyes and Noodly Appendage, she wanted to become a Pastafarian.  It was too late for John and Tom and the aliens.  They had lost their recruit.  Little did they know that she'd always been a sucker for noodly appendages, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster had the biggest and best she'd ever seen.  Yes, THE biggest and best.  Hard to believe, but it's twue. It's twue. 

Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Governor of California, was busy trying to fix his state's economy by sending its old people to Florida.  However, Pat Robertson reported that Mr. Schwarzenegger also made a pact with the devil to get some help in easing the state's economic woes.  This resulted in God punishing California by sending an army of giant squid to invade its coastal waters.  Mr. Robertson had no information as to whether Xenu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster were also involved in the invasion, but it is doubtful even though some space aliens hint that Xenu is prone to that type of prank.

Not aware of this invasion, Pamela Anderson went on with her A*Muse fashion show in Miami.  The people of South Florida were not amused, and the only twenty people to show up were old people whom Schwarzenegger had sent to Florida.  They inadvertently got off the bus in front of the Miami nightclub where Pamela was holding her show, went in for what they thought would be a quick drink, and cheerfully prevented the show from being a complete flop.  Pamela was grateful, and having her own ship, very quickly sailed to California to thank its governor for saving her show.

Reaching the Coast of Southern California, Pamela saw noodly appendages in the water, and thinking it was the Giant Spaghetti Monster there to welcome her, she could not resist jumping in. Alas, it was not her new god, but rather the Christian god's invading squid army. The situation rapidly deteriorated when a big squid grabbed her.  Nearby fishermen tried to divert the squid's attention by dangling a delectable little bait squid in front of the enormous creature.

However, the giant squid apparently was either a male or a lesbian and continued in its attempt to devour the appetizing Anderson.  Fortunately or unfortunately, depending upon how you look at it, the squid's limited throat was unable to accommodate Pamela's breasts, and he regretfully choked her up into the water, where her unexpectedly amazing buoyancy allowed the cheering fishermen to pull her to safety.

Ms. Anderson blamed this incident on the State of California's pact with the devil, but, being a Pastafarian, she forgave Arnold Schwarzenegger and contacted Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, to help publicize the need for women in Coastal Southern California to, as soon as possible, get breast implants sufficiently large to choke a giant squid.  Ms. Sebelius reportedly replied that there really was no need to do that.