An unnamed representative of Domino's Pizza ("So ketchupy it CAN'T be cardboard"), which had considered joining in the sponsorship of Ms. Patrick's Andretti Green Racing, stated, "We always had reservations about sponsoring her, not because she's a woman or anything, but what if she got pregnant or something and couldn't fit behind the wheel? Then where would we be? But now, with this Devil thing........ How could we even consider it? I mean, the Devil causes stuff like abortions and homeless people who didn't even eat our pizza to puke on the street and things like that. We just couldn't sign with her now. I'm sorry."
Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards's wonderfully hirsute lovechild, was incensed when she heard the criticism of Patrick. She said, "These people, living in glass houses, throwing stones. They don't know what it's like. When Satan possessed me to get together with John, there was nothing I could do to stop it. God didn't help out. Where was He, on vacation in the Bahamas or Las Vegas or something? He could have been here to give me a hand. If these hypercritical bastards think it was a matter of choice or a lack of free will, they're crazy. Did they ever have the Devil, in person, right in front of them, telling them what to do? I doubt it. He's a pretty impressive guy, and you don't want to piss him off. So I said, 'OK I'll do what you say. Just don't have God send me to hell or anything. OK?' So he says, 'OK,' and I did what he told me.
"Now I've got this great kid, and John seems to still really like me, and Elizabeth, who scares the crap out of both of us even more than Satan does, seems to be out of the picture. OK, so what I did might not have been the greatest thing, but it turned out OK, and I had to figure it all out without any so-called 'divine guidance,' for all that s#!t is worth. So don't criticize Dana Patrick until you've had the Devil right in your face the way she and I have. And that sex tape the FBI supposedly has, the one with me and John and Pat Robertson? That horny old bastard was the worst part of the deal. Well, that will never see the light of day. A lot of people would go blind if they saw it. Talk about a terrorist act. The FBI would never hear the end of it."
When we asked Ms. Patrick, herself, about the photograph of her and the Devil, she explained, "I had no idea it was the Devil. I just met this cute guy on the beach, and we got a little flirty. Nothing happened. We were just screwing around. He said, 'Take off your top and say "Go Daddy," and I'll show you a trick.' I'm a sucker for tricks and magic and all that stuff. So I took off my top, said, "Go Daddy," and he showed me the neat levitation trick you saw in the picture. That's it. End of story. Nothing else happened. He didn't look happy that that's all that happened, but that's it. I've got no more to tell you."
Oddsmakers in Las Vegas, however, were not convinced. They thought that Ms. Patrick's relationship with the Devil might give her an unfair advantage in her NASCAR debut race. So they called Nassim Taleb to see what he had to say, and he reportedly told them to "not think so linearly. It's a complex situation, and just because she had contact with the Devil doesn't mean that He's going to help her. OK? He's a devious son-of-a-bitch, and you never know what he's going to do. He makes markets crash. He turns swans black. OK? He makes you think things are all random. Don't think you can predict him. OK? If I were you, I'd go ahead and take the action and wouldn't even bother changing the line. OK?" As usual, Nassim was right. The books took the action without changing the line, and thick smoke that Danica described as "looking like it came from hellfire" caused her to crash and finish 35th. The bookmakers all made a killing on the late money that came in on Danica from the suckers who thought they knew what the Devil was going to do.
It's reported that Pat Robertson lost another 50 grand. He's having a bad week. Pray for him.
HaHHAHAHAHA!!! I like Danica. She has cohones.
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