Why Women Should Not Study Science

Amy Bishop, the prime suspect in the shooting deaths of three of her colleagues at the University of Alabama last Friday, is a tragic tale of science gone wrong.  Those who describe Amy Bishop as an awkward, introverted oddball miss the deeper meaning this tragic story has to tell us all.  Her profession demanded that she regularly appear before young women and men, inappropriately exposing not only her body, but her rational mind to those around her.

Her valiant attempt to override a woman's natural inclination to stay away from masculine disciplines such as science, mathematics, and vigorous sports was not sufficient to overcome the side effects of such inappropriate involvement, as described in the Clinical Handbook of Psychological Disorders.  For example, "The percentage of the female brain dedicated to rational thought is far smaller than that equipped to handle whimsy, seduction, cooking, and other feminine matters.  Extended overuse of such a small area can cause it to burn out as though one were to try to use a AAA battery to run a refrigerator."

The unfortunate Ms. Bishop appears to have been a victim of our rush to fill the vacuum left by so many men deserting the fields of mathematics and science to find careers in the NFL, NBA, and Rock and Roll.  Many so-called progressives in certain backward societies, such as China and Europe, argue that not using the brainpower of women is tantamount to wasting one half of a society's potential.  If the brainpower they are talking about is women's power to deal with scientific and other rational problems, most neuroscientists would agree that it is more like wasting 5%.  Not "wasting" that 5% will throw many women into situations so demanding that they will burn out like Amy Bishop did or worse.  Who then knows how many innocent men will be shot and how many will suffer from not having someone to cook for them?  These women, now truly wasted, will not be available to tend to the needs of men, who, with a little feminine help, could have made important contributions in fields like intelligent design and fantasy football, allowing America to maintain its preeminence in the world. 

Democrats, seemingly blind to this problem, continue to waste America's resources on voodoo science like global warming and toxicology.  Those of us more inclined to rationally evaluate the evidence are far more willing to trust the former to God and the latter to Monsanto, where they belong.  Let us concentrate our rational powers on fine-tuning the most intelligently designed society in an intelligently designed world.  Some ask me, "Eeborg, why do you believe in intelligent design, when it can't be disproved?" I answer, "Who do you think I am, Karl Popper?  If it can't be disproved, then obviously it's true.  If science were a matter of trial and error, we'd be making mistakes all the time.  We've taken the error out of science by removing the possibility of the falsification of our propositions. Let Karl go back to his friend Orville Redenbacher and leave the science to us.  What we assert no man can disprove."

The backward countries do not believe this and are even accelerating their headlong rush into so-called science like global warming, which is open to falsification.  Why waste so much in the pursuit of something that might not even exist?  They will feel like such fools if it turns out that the world is not heating up and those Pacific islands are really sinking because so much water actually is freezing and expanding, causing the sea level to rise as giant, unseen ice cubes proliferate under our proverbial noses.  Oh, well; it's their decision.

Having decided to immerse ourselves in unfalsifiable reality and pragmatism, one thing many of us true heartland Americans are coming to believe is that we have much to learn from our Islamic brethren.  We can't disprove what they believe just as they can't disprove what we believe, and obviously, we can't both be wrong.  So, we are equally scientific and should look at where our ground is common.  Let us return to the issue of women.

The well-known author and fallen Islamic princess, Jacqueline Pascarl, finally has let us know what women want, explaining, "I learnt that the primary reason women are required by Islamic societies (the majority of which are patriarchal) to swathe themselves in fabrics and cover their collar bones, necks, arms, legs, ankles, calves, chests, elbows, shoulders, throats, thighs, ears, napes of necks, hair and in some cases, faces, is that women are culturally condemned to the role of seductress and are considered untrustworthy, immoral humans, driven to tempt men and bring down the bastions of male self-control. The fine shape of an ankle, or a tendril of hair – a glimpse of which can send a mere male into a sexual frenzy, are the tools of seduction.  In essence and to outline it crudely – the veil, much lauded by so called Islamic teachings, is a protection for men against we voracious vixens of the mortal world. Not, as so many pundits state, a protection for women against men."

If American men had been aware of the intentions of the voracious vixens among us, we no doubt would have tried to cover them up to prevent the persistently recurring sexual frenzy that plagues us.  We might have been spared many sad episodes, such as those involving Tiger Woods, Warren Beatty, Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich and Woody Allen, strong men, all of whom succumbed to immoral, voracious vixens in their midsts.  And if, in addition, a liberal and unreasonably demanding society had not tricked women into the study of unsuitable subjects, Amy Bishop wouldn't have cracked under the pressure of brain strain and the embarrassing exposure of her body and mind.

It is not too late to act.  Before it becomes necessary to pass laws governing the behavior of women, let's see if they can't restrain themselves.  They should allow men to concentrate on science and other masculine pursuits while they engage in what is safe for them to do without excessively taxing their brains.  While engaged in feminine, frivolous pursuits, women should be considerate enough to cover up as much of their bodies as possible so that we men, who remain so feebly vulnerable to the charms that God gave them, may concentrate on the real work that will keep America the greatest civilization the universe ever has seen.