Cellphones Make Malthusians Happy

Good news from the cellphone front gave Thomas Malthus's Gloomy Gus ideology another hit today. Dr. Devra Lee Davis, and I use the term "Dr." loosely, tries to scare us in her book Disconnect into thinking that the microwave radiation that cellphones emit is dangerous to American humans, especially babies. When was the last time you saw a baby talking on a cellphone? We had a similar radiation scares in the 50's and 60's. Remember Godzilla and "Duck and Cover?" Well, sorry to say, most of us are still here. We ducked and covered, and no paper mache Japanese monster or invisible waves or anything else made us glow in the dark. We are Americans. We are survivors. So, Dr. Davis and assorted Swedes, don't try to scare us now with this cellphone radiation crap.

The worst that a little microwave radiation could do would be to kill a few weaklings and improve our gene pool, making us more resistant to microwaves. Some of the ridiculous safety regulations burdening the microwave oven industry could be removed. Another benefit would be an additional constraint upon the population, removing primarily those who aren't fit to be here. It would also decrease some liberals' perceived need to have abortions. If your pregnancy has you upset, don't go rushing to the abortion doctor; just be patient and give your baby a cellphone. If your kid is strong, he will survive, and you'll be happy you didn't abort the little bugger, who will be there to support you when there is no more Social Security. The survival of the strong will improve the quality of our population and maybe even solve the concussion problem many of the weaker NFL players are whining about. Better people will mean thicker skulls, firmer, more entrenched brains and, consequently, less squishing around upon impact. The strengthening of the American person through cellphone use is sure to have other positive benefits, but I will not go into these now, because I am not a doctor yet.

Considering all the positive benefits of cellphone radiation, we should not have a left knee jerk reaction to a problem that doesn't exist. There is no need for big governmental regulation. We must use the legislative machinery sparingly, only to protect society's most vulnerable, like the unborn and corporations. For example, there is no need for a law to prevent a parent from giving a cellphone to a baby, but pregnant mothers should not be permitted to attempt abortions by holding cellphones against their bellies. This is nothing more than common sense and compassionate Conservatism at its best.

The only problematic aspect of this issue is what we should do about those who have an adverse reaction to cellphones but are too strong to die quickly. The following short video offers a possible solution.

Texting? Don't Walk; Drive.

Today's New York Times contained an article as disturbing as any I've read recently. It seems that "slightly more than 1,000 pedestrians visited emergency rooms in 2008 because they got distracted and tripped, fell or ran into something while using a cellphone to talk or text. That was twice the number from 2007, which had nearly doubled from 2006, according to a study conducted by Ohio State University, which says it is the first to estimate such accidents."  My gut reactions to this report were first, denial, then grief, anger, and acceptance.  These stages were not followed by the usual obliviousness, and I continue to accept that we all should be more careful about when we use our cellphones. 

Most people would agree that walking is a more simple task than driving.  Many of us learn to walk before we learn to drive.  Therefore, if using a cellphone impairs our ability to do a simple task, does it not impair to an even greater extent our ability to do one that is more complex?  "Perhaps," you might say.  But you would only say this if you had not thought about it first.  Americans, particularly Republicans, are filled with complex ideas.  Listen in on any cellphone conversation.  You hear only one side of it, but more often than not you will be able to tell that you have chanced upon some deep philosophical, scientific, or religious discussion.  Even if you are witness to gossip, the topic matter usually will be about, say, some acquaintance's existential angst due to her perusal of the thinness of the atmosphere in relation to the vastness of outer space and the possibility that precious air is getting sucked out through holes made by mankind's rockets. 

Now, the part of the brain that deals with simple matters such as walking is not too swift.  It needs to concentrate on what it is doing.  So your engagement in a complex discussion will suck blood and electricity from the simple area into the complex area, causing impairment in your ability to engage in tasks like walking.  However, if, while talking or texting on your cellphone, you get into your car to drive, the brain's complex center already is engaged.  The brain shuttle system (BSS) does not have to shift resources away from another area, like the simple one that controls your walking.  This is one reason why, if you must talk or text while eating, you should dine on something complicated, like lobster or a Chicago-style hot dog with the works. It is also why you could text, eat lobster, and drive at the same time without posing any danger to either yourself or others.  Just make sure that you finish eating and texting before you arrive at your destination and have to walk.