Pamela Anderson's Conversion to Pastafarianism Nearly Fatal

In the Galactic Confederacy seventy five million years ago, when Xenu did his tax audit of John Travolta and Tom Cruise, he found discrepancies in their returns. This made Xenu unhappy. So he froze the two would-be actors and sent them to earth, better known as "Teegeeack".  Their frozen, disembodied souls proceeded to find nice looking bodies, which learned to pretend to be other people while yet other people filmed them. This made them rich, got them hot women, gave them the time and means (string, tin cans, lie detector, paranoia) to talk to dead space aliens, and allowed them to live mostly happily ever after, not only scientifically proving that L. Ron Hubbard is a great writer and religious figure, but that Scientology works and deserves all the respect that the other religions get.  

Some of the few bumps in their respective roads arose when they encountered Pamela Anderson, who was on a mission to become, without the aid of silicone, even more ethereal than she already was.  John and Tom, hoping to land another big name convert, told her all about the self improvement aspect of their official religion.  John put on his pilot uniform and flew her around on one of his planes, and Tom showed her the best way to jump up and down on a couch without stretching her ligaments.  These activities impressed her, and everybody had fun, but this wasn't quite what she had been looking for.  After all, Pamela already was about as improved as she could get and was aware that for some time she had been operating under the law of diminishing returns and the law of gravity but definitely not the law of diminishing gravity.  John and Tom's secrecy about Xenu and their ability to talk to dead space aliens appears to have been a major miscalculation on their part if they indeed really wanted to convince her to convert to Scientology.  Would either of them have tried to unload one of their underwater mortgages by hiding an amenity like a neat backyard swimming pool with a water slide and combination fire pit-wet bar?  I think not.

While half-heartedly considering joining the Official Church of Scientology, Ms. Anderson heard about the less official Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  The first time she gazed upon a representation of His Googly Eyes and Noodly Appendage, she wanted to become a Pastafarian.  It was too late for John and Tom and the aliens.  They had lost their recruit.  Little did they know that she'd always been a sucker for noodly appendages, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster had the biggest and best she'd ever seen.  Yes, THE biggest and best.  Hard to believe, but it's twue. It's twue. 

Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Governor of California, was busy trying to fix his state's economy by sending its old people to Florida.  However, Pat Robertson reported that Mr. Schwarzenegger also made a pact with the devil to get some help in easing the state's economic woes.  This resulted in God punishing California by sending an army of giant squid to invade its coastal waters.  Mr. Robertson had no information as to whether Xenu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster were also involved in the invasion, but it is doubtful even though some space aliens hint that Xenu is prone to that type of prank.

Not aware of this invasion, Pamela Anderson went on with her A*Muse fashion show in Miami.  The people of South Florida were not amused, and the only twenty people to show up were old people whom Schwarzenegger had sent to Florida.  They inadvertently got off the bus in front of the Miami nightclub where Pamela was holding her show, went in for what they thought would be a quick drink, and cheerfully prevented the show from being a complete flop.  Pamela was grateful, and having her own ship, very quickly sailed to California to thank its governor for saving her show.

Reaching the Coast of Southern California, Pamela saw noodly appendages in the water, and thinking it was the Giant Spaghetti Monster there to welcome her, she could not resist jumping in. Alas, it was not her new god, but rather the Christian god's invading squid army. The situation rapidly deteriorated when a big squid grabbed her.  Nearby fishermen tried to divert the squid's attention by dangling a delectable little bait squid in front of the enormous creature.

However, the giant squid apparently was either a male or a lesbian and continued in its attempt to devour the appetizing Anderson.  Fortunately or unfortunately, depending upon how you look at it, the squid's limited throat was unable to accommodate Pamela's breasts, and he regretfully choked her up into the water, where her unexpectedly amazing buoyancy allowed the cheering fishermen to pull her to safety.

Ms. Anderson blamed this incident on the State of California's pact with the devil, but, being a Pastafarian, she forgave Arnold Schwarzenegger and contacted Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, to help publicize the need for women in Coastal Southern California to, as soon as possible, get breast implants sufficiently large to choke a giant squid.  Ms. Sebelius reportedly replied that there really was no need to do that.

FBI Questions Trigger Involvement in Alleged Cryer Hit Plan

Two days ago "Crimesider" reported that the FBI had been investigating an allegation that Jon Cryer, costar of "Two and a Half Men," made against his ex-wife, Sarah Trigger.  Cryer has stated that Trigger hired a hit man to kill him.  Ryan Smith reported, "Cryer and Trigger went through what has been described as a very bitter divorce and are involved in a custody fight....Vicki Greene, a lawyer for Trigger, denies that her client had any involvement."  Ryan wrote that Ms. Greene said, "The allegations are ridiculous.  Look at Jon and look at my client.  She could kick his ass all by herself. She not only outweighs him by a substantial amount, but he's obviously a wimp.  Don't you watch the show?"  Ryan said he didn't, that "Heroes" and "24" are on at the same time and his VCR can only tape one while he's watching the other.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, who is heading the investigation, also said he doesn't watch the show but that he agrees Trigger probably could kick Jon's ass all by herself.  Even so, he's looking into the allegations and is waiting for the dwarf who regularly appears in his dreams to give him further direction.  He said he'd also like to interview Bob Sheen, who currently is involved in the ongoing situation between his parents, Charlie and Brooke.  Agent Cooper saw a tape of Jon, Bob, and Trigger at last year's Emmy Awards and, "things just didn't look right" to him.

He added that he's having a hard time finding a good cup of coffee in the Burbank area but that the pie is fine.

New Evidence Looking Good for Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen has returned to Hollywood to continue work on his hit TV show, "Two And A Half Men," while his wife, Brooke Mueller, will remain in Aspen with their adorable twin sons, Bob and Max.

An unnamed source close to the Aspen police department said that a possible motive for Mr. Sheen's alleged actions may have surfaced. Sheen has stated that the previous administration covered up evidence in the investigation of 9/11. The source said, "Brooke's a real George Bush fan and was pissed off at Charlie trying to get him. Bob and Max are real close to her and mind her more than anybody else. Them two are cute as little bunnies to look at, but they're no angels.

Max is a real loner, always ridin' around on his bike actin' mad about somethin' or other, and Bob's always hidin' and jumpin' out at kids with a rubber knife, scarin' the bejesus out of em. Hell, when the cops first got the call and heard it was a knife incident they thought Bob did it." He added that there is evidence that Brooke and her sons coerced Mr. Sheen into watching episodes of "Jersey Shore," resulting in his disorientation, drug use, and subsequent unusually deranged actions. There's also evidence that Bob gave his father the knife.

Paul Krugman agreed that the Bush family's involvement in the incident should be considered, since Mr. Sheen played a large part in the expansion of the economy during Bill Clinton's administration. It is common knowledge that Sheen's business activities with Heidi Fleiss in the early 1990's pumped enough liquidity into the economy to help pull it out of the doldrums, which, we all know, were not caused by the administrations of Ronald Reagan or George Herbert Walker Bush. However, many Democrats and other left-leaning ideologues did not see it that way, and some went so far as to blame the Elder Bush for the deficit, among other things, even though large deficits really are not such a bad thing.

This undeserved blame and the diminution of the deficit under Bill Clinton so angered the elder Bush's son, George W., that the younger Bush decided to make his own run for President. A winner, George W. not only restored the deficit, but he had one bigger than his father's. In addition to that, he got even with Saddam Hussein for that barbarian's unsuccessful attempt on the Elder Bush's life. W could have done no more to gain the love and respect of his father. So it is easy to see why he would feel crushed when his father started hanging around with Bill Clinton and taking him places he should have been taking his own son. The Aspen police are working on the theory that W might have been trying to get even with Charlie Sheen for disrespecting his father and helping Bill Clinton save the economy (even though we all know that Clinton did nothing good for the economy), driving a wedge into the heart of the Bush clan.

Charlie Sheen is not yet off the hook, but it's looking better for him every day. Let's hope that this incident doesn't adversely affect his performance in "Two And A Half Men." And for the sake of W and the alleged co-conspirators, let's pray that the interrogations of Brooke, Max, and Bob are not informed by W's views on torture.