New Cialis Wonder Drug a Big Thing

Eli Lilly introduced a powerful new product today, called Cialis Weiner, in honor of Anthony Weiner, the heroic Member of the U. S. House of Representatives from New York's Ninth District.  Weiner was the first member of the legislative branch in more than thirty years to  risk offending the notoriously sensitive Republican Party.  He hurt their feeling when he said, "You guys have chutzpah. The Republican Party is the wholly owned subsidiary of the insurance industry. They say this isn't going to do enough, but when we propose an alternative to provide competition, they’re against it. They say we want to strengthen state insurance commissioners and they'll do the job. But when we did that in our national health care bill, they said we’re against it. They said we want to have competition but when we proposed requiring competition they’re against it. They’re a wholly owned subsidiary of the insurance industry. That's the fact!"  Weiner's words were particularly hurtful to Rep. Dan Lungren, who repeatedly pleaded for the Speaker to "take down" the words before they hurt him any more.

Checking the facts, we discovered that Mr. Weiner's allegation is not true.  For example, Mr. Weiner is well aware that the Bush Administration, with much jubilant legislative support, provided many sophisticated, fun weapons to Saudi Arabia, some of whose members like flying around in our fighter jets while others write checks for Osama bin Laden and his merry band of goatherds.  Republicans and many Democrats don't support the Saudis with the intention of harming Americans.  It is just an unfortunate side effect of these Representatives and Senators being partially owned by the armaments industry.  This means that the insurance industry could not possibly wholly own the Republican Party.  I would say that Mr. Weiner owes us an apology.

Even so, Mr. Weiner did demonstrate that he has a big wiener, and Eli Lilly's decision to name its new product after him is understandable.  The debate over the spelling of the product's name may delay its widespread distribution, but considering how important the drug is to American men, that is doubtful.  English teachers across the United States have complained to Lilly that spelling the product "Weiner" instead of "Wiener" will confuse our highly literate and politically aware population, causing many men to believe that the drug might chemically circumcise them or turn them Jewish or do both.  Lilly, however, is confident that its advertising campaign will overcome this "minor glitch."

Cialis Weiner promises to be a blessing for all you guys whose clogged arteries cause your limp, little lad to hide in your pants while you watch TV, munching Big Macs and fries when your friends come to the door to invite him to come out and play.  You no longer have to long for the day that you can be with skanky hos like the ones you see on late night TV.  You know, the ones who explain that guys who are "giggle, giggle, little, giggle" really turn them off, making them wish they were anywhere else, like with a zucchini or home reading Principia Mathematica or something.  Even though all guys want girls like that to fulfill their wildest fantasies, with Cialis Weiner you will move to the head of the long line for their services.  And a big bonus is that Cialis Weiner contains genetically modified bubonic plague bacteria that is harmless to you but will kill any sexually transmitted diseases, even the nastiest ones.

So don't keep your little lad grounded any longer.  If you want him to get swole fast, call 886-441-3070.  Say "Eeborg says you can get my lad swole fast," and you will get a 15% discount.  This offer is good until February 25, 2020.

Why Women Should Not Study Science

Amy Bishop, the prime suspect in the shooting deaths of three of her colleagues at the University of Alabama last Friday, is a tragic tale of science gone wrong.  Those who describe Amy Bishop as an awkward, introverted oddball miss the deeper meaning this tragic story has to tell us all.  Her profession demanded that she regularly appear before young women and men, inappropriately exposing not only her body, but her rational mind to those around her.

Her valiant attempt to override a woman's natural inclination to stay away from masculine disciplines such as science, mathematics, and vigorous sports was not sufficient to overcome the side effects of such inappropriate involvement, as described in the Clinical Handbook of Psychological Disorders.  For example, "The percentage of the female brain dedicated to rational thought is far smaller than that equipped to handle whimsy, seduction, cooking, and other feminine matters.  Extended overuse of such a small area can cause it to burn out as though one were to try to use a AAA battery to run a refrigerator."

The unfortunate Ms. Bishop appears to have been a victim of our rush to fill the vacuum left by so many men deserting the fields of mathematics and science to find careers in the NFL, NBA, and Rock and Roll.  Many so-called progressives in certain backward societies, such as China and Europe, argue that not using the brainpower of women is tantamount to wasting one half of a society's potential.  If the brainpower they are talking about is women's power to deal with scientific and other rational problems, most neuroscientists would agree that it is more like wasting 5%.  Not "wasting" that 5% will throw many women into situations so demanding that they will burn out like Amy Bishop did or worse.  Who then knows how many innocent men will be shot and how many will suffer from not having someone to cook for them?  These women, now truly wasted, will not be available to tend to the needs of men, who, with a little feminine help, could have made important contributions in fields like intelligent design and fantasy football, allowing America to maintain its preeminence in the world. 

Democrats, seemingly blind to this problem, continue to waste America's resources on voodoo science like global warming and toxicology.  Those of us more inclined to rationally evaluate the evidence are far more willing to trust the former to God and the latter to Monsanto, where they belong.  Let us concentrate our rational powers on fine-tuning the most intelligently designed society in an intelligently designed world.  Some ask me, "Eeborg, why do you believe in intelligent design, when it can't be disproved?" I answer, "Who do you think I am, Karl Popper?  If it can't be disproved, then obviously it's true.  If science were a matter of trial and error, we'd be making mistakes all the time.  We've taken the error out of science by removing the possibility of the falsification of our propositions. Let Karl go back to his friend Orville Redenbacher and leave the science to us.  What we assert no man can disprove."

The backward countries do not believe this and are even accelerating their headlong rush into so-called science like global warming, which is open to falsification.  Why waste so much in the pursuit of something that might not even exist?  They will feel like such fools if it turns out that the world is not heating up and those Pacific islands are really sinking because so much water actually is freezing and expanding, causing the sea level to rise as giant, unseen ice cubes proliferate under our proverbial noses.  Oh, well; it's their decision.

Having decided to immerse ourselves in unfalsifiable reality and pragmatism, one thing many of us true heartland Americans are coming to believe is that we have much to learn from our Islamic brethren.  We can't disprove what they believe just as they can't disprove what we believe, and obviously, we can't both be wrong.  So, we are equally scientific and should look at where our ground is common.  Let us return to the issue of women.

The well-known author and fallen Islamic princess, Jacqueline Pascarl, finally has let us know what women want, explaining, "I learnt that the primary reason women are required by Islamic societies (the majority of which are patriarchal) to swathe themselves in fabrics and cover their collar bones, necks, arms, legs, ankles, calves, chests, elbows, shoulders, throats, thighs, ears, napes of necks, hair and in some cases, faces, is that women are culturally condemned to the role of seductress and are considered untrustworthy, immoral humans, driven to tempt men and bring down the bastions of male self-control. The fine shape of an ankle, or a tendril of hair – a glimpse of which can send a mere male into a sexual frenzy, are the tools of seduction.  In essence and to outline it crudely – the veil, much lauded by so called Islamic teachings, is a protection for men against we voracious vixens of the mortal world. Not, as so many pundits state, a protection for women against men."

If American men had been aware of the intentions of the voracious vixens among us, we no doubt would have tried to cover them up to prevent the persistently recurring sexual frenzy that plagues us.  We might have been spared many sad episodes, such as those involving Tiger Woods, Warren Beatty, Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich and Woody Allen, strong men, all of whom succumbed to immoral, voracious vixens in their midsts.  And if, in addition, a liberal and unreasonably demanding society had not tricked women into the study of unsuitable subjects, Amy Bishop wouldn't have cracked under the pressure of brain strain and the embarrassing exposure of her body and mind.

It is not too late to act.  Before it becomes necessary to pass laws governing the behavior of women, let's see if they can't restrain themselves.  They should allow men to concentrate on science and other masculine pursuits while they engage in what is safe for them to do without excessively taxing their brains.  While engaged in feminine, frivolous pursuits, women should be considerate enough to cover up as much of their bodies as possible so that we men, who remain so feebly vulnerable to the charms that God gave them, may concentrate on the real work that will keep America the greatest civilization the universe ever has seen.

A Tiger Woods Exclusive

By far the biggest story of the century took an unexpectedly expected turn yesterday when Tiger Woods made a public apology, openly admitting that he had engaged in multiple extramarital affairs.  Even though the women in the audience refused to wear the burkhas they were offered, Mr. Woods admirably restrained himself, mopped his brow, and said everything he was supposed to.  He surprised some in the audience by taking full blame for his actions, until we realized it was just a little levity to lighten the atmosphere, a deft touch, demonstrating again why women find this tiger irresistible.

Here is a man who repeatedly has shown that he can hit a small, dimpled ball fewer times than anybody else in the world and still get it in as many holes as anyone.  From an early age, he incessantly has practiced in order to groove a precision stroke that will be of service to him in any situation.  All that effort paid off.  Why does it surprise anyone that he would attempt to do the same thing in other areas of his life?  I've yet to hear one person suggest that this fine specimen of American manhood actually might have engaged in all of the recent, maligned, strenuous activity in order to more perfectly satisfy his wife.  Practice does make perfect.  Just a suggestion.

Not everyone has bad things to say about Mr. Woods.  Here is a representative sampling of what some very important people had to say:   

Nike president Phil Knight: "We wouldn't even consider dropping him.  This is great for our shoes.  What does it say about our shoes that if you wear them you can get out of a golf cart, hit a ball, get back in the cart, drive to the ball, get out, hit the ball, ad infinitum, ad nauseam.  Now people will think, 'Wow I'm gonna get me some of these shoes and chase down all kinds of pussy just like Tiger.'  Go get'm Tiger.  We couldn't have scripted it any better."

Britney Spears: "How come he never hit on me?"

Bill Clinton: "Don't look at me.  I did not have sex with these women.............Define sex."

Newt Gingrich: "Cheating on a hot babe like Elin?  When she wasn't even in the hospital?  It's immoral."

Jaimee Grubbs: "He's got nothing to apologize for.  I was on 'Tool Academy.'  I had to know how tools worked.  He showed me how his worked.  No big deal."

Sicilian-born Playboy model Loredana Jolie Ferriolo, known as Woods' mistress number 10:  "He was just going to show me how to play golf.  I thought he said 'HOLE number 10.'  My Uncle Vito is not happy about this."

These mostly unpaid testimonials demonstrate clearly that this issue is not black and white, as the majority of Americans can see.  We are aware that Tiger Woods, along with our big stash of nuclear weapons, is the main thing we have going for us nowadays.  With Tiger around, foreigners, instead of calling us 'The Great Satan,' are as likely to say, 'Ah, America, the Land of Tiger.'  Those of us who wish to see the United States remain part of the world agree that we should not give up on our Tiger.  That would leave us only with the nukes, inspiring fear among our earthly neighbors instead of the love that we so ardently crave.  We want to be able to say, "Y'all like us.  You really like us."

So we were happy to see that an HCD research survey showed that 61 percent of women and 58 percent of men thought Tiger's apology was sincere.  The percentage of women probably is meaningful since 27 percent of them not only knew him, but also had sex with him.  As one of them said, "To know know know him is to love love love him."   Statisticians think that the percentage of men willing to forgive him actually is higher than 58 percent because many men are still miffed about the whole to-do.  Tiger's recent actions only heightened our awareness of our own pathetic lack of money, power, and concomitant sex appeal.  But most of us should get over it.  I know I am trying.

In conclusion, here is an abridged version of Tiger's apology.  I will be surprised if you are not touched and more than willing to forgive him:

"I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in....

"I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish.  Ask any married man.  They would be able to tell you....

"People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife, Erin.  I didn't do them to her.  I did them to other women....

"Some people have speculated that Ella somehow hurt or attacked me with a drumstick on Thanksgiving night.  This couldn't have been true because, incompetent cook that she is, she burnt the turkey, and I had to throw it out....

"My wife Elise has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. She deserves praise, though not for her sexual prowess....

"I knew my actions were wrong but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply.  And they didn't.  It's just that Eva made a scene and I got caught.  Unfortunate....

"I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me.  Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them, and they will still be there when things get back to normal.  I don't rule out that it will be this year."

Elvis Stojko - "Plushenko Wuz Robbed"

Elvis Stojko, twice Olympic silver medalist for Canada, the country just to the north of the United States, called last night "The night they killed figure skating."  Evan Lysacek of the United States, defeated Evgeni Plushenko of Russia, the country just to the left of the United States, for the gold medal.  In Stojko's opinion, "Lysacek skated slow and his jumps weren’t close to the technical ability of defending Olympic champion Evgeni Plushenko."  He favorably compared the athletic performance of Plushenko to the very pretty performance of Lysacek, concluding, "Figure skating gets no respect because of outcomes like this. More feathers, head-flinging and so-called step sequences done at walking speed – that’s what the system wants.

"I am going to watch hockey, where athletes are allowed to push the envelope. A real sport."

I must, however, disagree with Stojko.  Even though putting on skates causes me to fall over, I do have eyes and the right to disagree with any individual from Canada, a cold, barren place where people, when sober, entertain themselves by clubbing seals and pushing stones across the ice while they run in front of them, sweeping madly.  It is a country that is not number one on the vacation lists of most people not residing in psychiatric hospitals.  Even so, I must disagree with Mr. Stojko's wrong opinion. 

We in America appreciate beauty and find that beauty and athletics are not mutually exclusive.  For instance, we find part of baseball's charm lying in each very long break between frenetic episodes of action, when players have time to meditatively scratch their steroid-shrunken testicles while waiting for the next bout of activity.  We also love the tight-fitting football uniforms that maximize the definition and seductive sinewiness of each player's gluteus maximus.  Athleticism and aesthetics are both parts of the foundation of our sporting edifice. 

Therefore, we are more apt to produce a beautiful skater like Evan Lysacek than we are to produce a wildly spinning Plushenko, who agrees with Stojko's opinion and has said that a male skater should not be able to win the gold medal without being able to perform a quad jump.  Men's figure skating is not a jumping competition.  It should continue to be decided by judges who pretty much have their minds made up before the competition begins, depending on such important factors as politics, popularity, and how much they are paid.

Classy guy that Plushenko is, he declined to complain any more when we asked him to, and he walked off into the Vancouver night to enjoy the fun activities that Canada offers.  Watch out seals!

New Tea Party Flag Clarifies the Message

David Barstow's excellent article in today's New York Times shows that The Tea Party is a movement whose time has come. History repeatedly has shown that a small, minority movement that the majority of people in a given culture find harmless and ridiculous may be neither. Sometimes such a movement strikes enough of a chord with enough of the population to wind up playing a tune that the aforementioned deriders wind up dancing to. Look at a certain party in 1930's Germany or the Republican Party in 2010 Massachusetts. These are just two among many. It seems that the Tea Party is about to join them.

Picking up momentum, the Party had Assistant Dragon in Charge of Advertising, Jerry Gierrechoff, come up with a new flag that already is a rousing hit. Heinz Edelmann, the 14-faceted creator of Pepperland, loved the flag's look, comparing its background to the color he used in "Yellow Submarine," except more uriney. Gary Gadsden, descendant of Christopher Gadsden, whose flag the new Tea Party flag resembles, laughed, "Old Chris must be spinning like a top, but he supposedly had a great sense of humor and would probably come back to give a speech to the Party if they'd agree to pay him a hundred thousand dollars. Ha, ha." A good sense of humor apparently runs in the family.

Mr. Gierrechoff told us that the flag's release is an indication that the Party wants to clarify its message. He said, "Glenn Beck has great American sponsors like General Motors, Campbell's, and Chrysler, who make great products and aren't connected to the Jewish bankers and green hippies who want to bring this country down. And ditto for the good oil people who support Sarah Palin. These people not only pump energy and money into the economy, but they actually write a lot of the laws that help us, the good laws, not the welfare and death panel laws that Obama and those people want. So if they're already writing the laws, do we really need Congress? Maybe all we need is a government that will help these good companies to govern us better and protect our liberties. We're all for more freedom for the police and the military.

"Look, most of our party's members got really scared after 9/11, and we agreed to give up our rights because we trusted George Bush and Dick Cheney to protect us. And, except for 9/11, they did. But we wouldn't have agreed to give the executive branch so much power if we'd known that the Homeland would go crazy and elect a Negro Socialist President. I mean, I have nothing against Negroes or even against National Socialists. We invite them to join our party. A lot of people come to our meetings, and we need food to be served and the place cleaned up, and Negroes, Mexicans and other servant-type people are genetically good at that. A lot of us in the Party are educated in science, you know. Sarah Palin, in particular, is a promoter of science.

"So what I'm trying to say is that we want a kind of rainbow coalition with the light colors on top and a pot of gold at the end. You know, we've already got a lot of thinkers in this party, and now we need some doers to do what we're thinking, and we invite all races to join us, even Moslems, if they agree to get baptized and eat pork, which real Americans should do. Heck, where would Osama bin Laden be if he didn't have people to go blow themselves up for him? We need good people too." Mr. Gierrechoff's reasoning impressed me, and I agreed that people of color should not hesitate to join the Tea Party and help all the good companies that govern us do a better job. So, what are you waiting for? Join up already people.

Daytona Crash Due to Danica Patrick's Flirtation with Satan

The shocking photograph that surfaced this week of Danica Patrick consorting with the Devil shook up the racing community and many others.  The criticism was widespread and included more than just the religious and political guardians of our morality.

An unnamed representative of Domino's Pizza ("So ketchupy it CAN'T be cardboard"), which had considered joining in the sponsorship of Ms. Patrick's Andretti Green Racing, stated, "We always had reservations about sponsoring her, not because she's a woman or anything, but what if she got pregnant or something and couldn't fit behind the wheel?  Then where would we be?  But now, with this Devil thing........  How could we even consider it?  I mean, the Devil causes stuff like abortions and homeless people who didn't even eat our pizza to puke on the street and things like that.  We just couldn't sign with her now.  I'm sorry."

Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards's wonderfully hirsute lovechild, was incensed when she heard the criticism of Patrick.  She said, "These people, living in glass houses, throwing stones.  They don't know what it's like.  When Satan possessed me to get together with John, there was nothing I could do to stop it.  God didn't help out.  Where was He, on vacation in the Bahamas or Las Vegas or something?  He could have been here to give me a hand.  If these hypercritical bastards think it was a matter of choice or a lack of free will, they're crazy.  Did they ever have the Devil, in person, right in front of them, telling them what to do?  I doubt it.  He's a pretty impressive guy, and you don't want to piss him off.  So I said, 'OK I'll do what you say.  Just don't have God send me to hell or anything.  OK?'  So he says, 'OK,' and I did what he told me.

"Now I've got this great kid, and John seems to still really like me, and Elizabeth, who scares the crap out of both of us even more than Satan does, seems to be out of the picture.  OK, so what I did might not have been the greatest thing, but it turned out OK, and I had to figure it all out without any so-called 'divine guidance,' for all that s#!t is worth.  So don't criticize Dana Patrick until you've had the Devil right in your face the way she and I have.  And that sex tape the FBI supposedly has, the one with me and John and Pat Robertson?  That horny old bastard was the worst part of the deal.  Well, that will never see the light of day.  A lot of people would go blind if they saw it.  Talk about a terrorist act.  The FBI would never hear the end of it."

When we asked Ms. Patrick, herself, about the photograph of her and the Devil, she explained, "I had no idea it was the Devil.  I just met this cute guy on the beach, and we got a little flirty.  Nothing happened.  We were just screwing around.  He said, 'Take off your top and say "Go Daddy," and I'll show you a trick.'  I'm a sucker for tricks and magic and all that stuff.  So I took off my top, said, "Go Daddy," and he showed me the neat levitation trick you saw in the picture.  That's it.  End of story.  Nothing else happened.  He didn't look happy that that's all that happened, but that's it. I've got no more to tell you." 

Oddsmakers in Las Vegas, however, were not convinced.  They thought that Ms. Patrick's relationship with the Devil might give her an unfair advantage in her NASCAR debut race.  So they called Nassim Taleb to see what he had to say, and he reportedly told them to "not think so linearly.  It's a complex situation, and just because she had contact with the Devil doesn't mean that He's going to help her.  OK?  He's a devious son-of-a-bitch, and you never know what he's going to do.  He makes markets crash.  He turns swans black.  OK?  He makes you think things are all random.  Don't think you can predict him.  OK?  If I were you, I'd go ahead and take the action and wouldn't even bother changing the line.  OK?"  As usual, Nassim was right.  The books took the action without changing the line, and thick smoke that Danica described as "looking like it came from hellfire" caused her to crash and finish 35th. The bookmakers all made a killing on the late money that came in on Danica from the suckers who thought they knew what the Devil was going to do.

It's reported that Pat Robertson lost another 50 grand.  He's having a bad week.  Pray for him.

Strong New Evidence That 2008 Presidential Election Was Rigged

Jerome Corsi, one of the most intelligent people in the Republican Party, today adduced new evidence that the 2008 Presidential election was rigged.  Mr. Corsi has continued to research the events surrounding the election even though the powers that be have ignored his intellectually compelling argument that a group of relatively large islands more than 2,300 miles from the coast of California could not possibly ever have been part of the United States.  He clearly demonstrated in powerpoint presentations that those islands, each of which is poorly designed for travel, would have taken more than 6,000 years, the age of the earth, to travel 2,300 miles, even if fitted with outboard motors.  Therefore, there is no way Barack Obama could be a citizen even if he was older than 6,000, and that is impossible because the universe wasn't even in existence then.  He makes a persuasive argument that any reasonable jury of Heartlanders would find irresistible if this dispute had occurred in a court of law.

But his new assertion carries even more weight.  Would-be McCain voters have come forth to testify that Democrats used a scientific study to unfairly persuade them to cast their lots in with Obama.   The Santa Lucia Foundation in Rome, Italy, determined that mice who liked chocolate and then underwent a period of starvation before returning to their normal weights would ignore mild electric shocks in order to obtain chocolate.  This was in contrast to fat, chocolate-loving mice who had never suffered and would not brave the shock in order to obtain chocolate.  Paid Democratic scientists, who also support the myth of global warming, reasoned that they could use this test to persuade whites who had suffered, or whose ancestors had suffered, to override the considerable shock of even seeing a black candidate to actually vote for that candidate.

The Democratic elite was well aware that a lot of whites suffered at the hands of black people, both in the recent past, by having their Cadillacs or women stolen, and as far back as prior to 1865, when more than dozens of slaves shirked their duties or were unruly, causing their masters to actually have to work.  Prior to the bad behavior, however, the masters liked their slaves and treated them very well, sometimes helping them to make babies. "Science, particularly past life regression" said Mr. Corsi, "has made it clear that many white people still have painful genetic memories of those traumatic events and that such events are particularly confusing when concatenated with the affection they felt for their slaves.

"Therefore, their post traumatic stress naturally would prevent them from voting for a melanic candidate such as Mr. Obama.  However, the Italian study convinced the Democrats that offering white people ObamaBars, delicious, dark, bedeviled chocolate candy bars made in a Voodoo-style image of the President,

would persuade them to overcome their negative feelings and vote for Mr. Obama.  These innocent looking, mouth-watering treats were made by a secret partnership between Blue Frog Chocolates and the same Voodoo priests in New Orleans who are now suspects in influencing the outcome of the Super Bowl.  Mr. Corsi alleges that the priests put spells on the ObamaBars, causing many McCain supporters around the country to switch their votes to Obama.  And we can see without thinking too much that this must have caused McCain to lose an election he otherwise easily would have won.

Therefore, this new evidence should persuade us to consider holding the election again, while Mr. McCain still is in periodic touch with reality.  I have no doubt that the Supreme Court would agree with me.

Favorite Patriotic Quote

"My fellow Americans, ask not what you can do for your country.  Ask how you can get paid as much as possible for doing as little as possible for your country."

Dick Cheney
CEO of Halliburton
1996

Sarah Palin's Popularity Rises Sharply

The title of David S. Broder's column in The Washington Post today is "Sarah Palin displays her pitch-perfect populism." Mr. Broder reported, "When [Chris Wallace of FOX News] asked her what role she wants to play in the country's future, she said:

"First and foremost, I want to be a good mom, and I want to raise happy, healthy, independent children. And I want them to be good citizens of this great country.

"And then I do want to be a voice for some common-sense solutions. I'm never going to pretend like I know more than the next person. I'm not going to pretend to be an elitist. In fact, I'm going to fight the elitist, because for too often and for too long now, I think the elitists have tried to make people like me and people in the heartland of America feel like we just don't get it, and big government's just going to have to take care of us. Well, maybe some of us don't get it, but big business has been taking care of us just fine.

"The time for big government is over, except for the military, the only part of the government that works. As bad as the incompetent elitists who run most of our government are, that is how good the regular folks in the military are. The elitists pretend that we're all in danger of getting sick or going broke or having some big businessman stick his hand in our pants. That's just not true. Many more people die from terror, as a result of foreigners doing stuff like putting explosives in their underpants and blowing up buildings because this government is not protecting us.  Maybe martial law until this emergency is over would be the right thing to do.  I don't pretend to know.

"What I do know is we love liberty. But there are foreigners, those who are different from us normal, common-sense people, who want to take it away. The elitists who ask, 'What did we do to deserve this?' hate America. We are not perfect, but we almost are. We never did anything to deserve what they've done to us and want to do to us. They want to take our liberty. They want to take our God. That's why we're at war, why we've been in a state of emergency, making wartime sacrifices for almost ten years. That's why we must make small sacrifices, such as not criticizing our brave military or putting regulations on our businesses. Our economy was doing just fine until we overregulated and caused the problems we have now. George Bush would've solved the problem by now. That's why we've got to get rid of Obama and the other Democrats who have caused these problems.

"You see, a big part of the problem is when you get these people who aren't heartland people. You know, like Indians or Mexicans or blacks. They get money from big government and go get things like Cadillacs and fancy degrees, like in science or something, and get a good affirmative action job and think they're elite and better than the rest of us who built this country and love it. We slaved to make this country the home of the free and the land of the brave. It's our country, and it shouldn't be taken over by elites."

A recent poll shows that many Americans are responding to Sarah Palin's message. It is not very surprising that whites and retards, most of whom are against progressive agendas like evolution and getting power directly from the sun without going through 6,000 year old fossil fuels, really like what Ms. Palin is saying. It is a persuasive message, one that many heartland people wholeheartedly have taken to heart. That is the reason for the sharp rise in her popularity among many Americans.

Elites may disagree, but we won't go into that now, since this really isn't their country. Palin also has not yet won over some of the non-elites. For example, Josh "The Ponceman" Perry, charismatic star of "Retarded Policeman," who is both white and retarded, stated that the poor memory Ms. Palin demonstrates by having to write notes on her hand disturbs him profoundly. He said, "They would have fired me a long time ago if I couldn't remember my lines, and the scripts in my films are far more complex than her speeches." When I told him that Mr. Broder gave Ms. Palin a vote of confidence, stating, "Those who want to stop her will need more ammunition than deriding her habit of writing on her hand. The lady is good." Mr. Perry conceded, "Yes she is, for a f#!%ing retard."

Pat Robertson Warns New Orleans

A reliable source reported that Pat Robertson dropped 50 dimes on the Super Bowl due to his misplaced faith in Peyton Manning.  Mr. Robertson stated, "All the experts, even the New York Times, were talking about this guy being the second coming.  All I've been hearing for the past month is that he studies film 23 hours a day, teaches his coaches how the game should be played, and intimidates these 350 pound offensive linemen into protecting him just by giving them that look of his.  Hell, I used to think Tom Brady was as good as Peyton until that supermodel wife he married sapped and impurified all his precious bodily fluids.  I learned though.  I thought I saw the light.

"Jesus H. Christ......the way Peyton played this year?  Damn.  There's no way that little putz Brees could outplay him.  Not unless there was something hinky.  It's not the 50 grand that bothers me so much.  There's a sucker born every minute.  I'll get the money back in no time.  It's just that I don't like feeling like a f*!#ing retard!  Now I'm really thinking that something's not kosher.  The way God punished New Orleans with Katrina.  There's no way he's gonna let them win the Super Bowl less than five years later.

"Then, after the game, I hear Brees say, 'God is great.'  Wait a minute.  I've heard that before. 'Allahu Akbar.'  Man, Brees was is in on this thing too. That's when I realized....the Goddam devil again.  He made a pact with those bastards so they could beat somebody that obviously no human could beat.  I should've figured.  Well, I'm not only gonna go get my money back from my sheep, but I'm gonna buy up a bunch of cheap property in that stinking town, take out a shitload of flood insurance, and laugh my ass off all the way to the bank when God drowns those bastards like the rats they are. God IS great."

We wanted confirm this story as being 100% accurate, so we tried to get God's take on it. The only communication we received was the following:

Next Year's Super Bowl Halftime Will Be Super

AARP, "leading a revolution in the way old people view and live life after sex has become either boring or impossible for them," complained to the NFL and Bridgestone, the sponsors of the Super Bowl halftime show, that the cutting edge acts starring in recent shows give the appearance that old people either do not like football or are too senile to grasp what they are seeing on the TV screen. AARP President Jennie Chin Hansen stated that acts like Prince, The Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, and The Who, who are making this year's show part of their seventeenth farewell tour, are fine for whippersnappers but leave those she represents "drooling in their barcaloungers in indifference." 

John Baratta, president of Bridgestone's consumer replacement tire business, upon first hearing Hansen's complaint, replied that he "really is not so concerned with what AARP thinks because old people generally drive so slowly and badly that it doesn't make any difference what kind of tires they have on their cars; they'll be dead soon anyway."  Hansen, ignoring or not hearing what Baratta said, persisted in her complaints until Baratta conceded that she might have a point.  So Bridgestone and the NFL have reached an agreement with AARP to cosponsor The Coasters, whose hits include Little Egypt (Ying-Yang), Down In Mexico, Along Came Jones, and Charlie Brown, in next year's show.  This is an apt choice, since the Cleveland Browns and their brilliant coach Eric Mangini, Cleveland's own "Charlie Brown," will be many experts' favorite to represent the AFC next year.

A mollified Hansen reflected, "I am satisfied with our arrangement and hope I didn't ruffle too many feathers.  I mean, what's wrong with the Coasters?  They're great.  It's not like I'm trying to dig up any old act just to appeal to a particular demographic.  I do hope that the NFL and whoever sponsors future shows do continue to consult me.  I'm sure we could agree to have acts that appeal to all ages, like the Beatles and the Doors, appear in the future."

One Year Old Quarterback Commits to Notre Dame

Not to be outdone by USC's increasingly aggressive recruitment, newly hired Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly secured a commitment from one year old Rocky Rumzinger to accept a football scholarship. Rumzinger, who does not yet attend school, drew the attention of local fans and scouts when his Mayberry Street Steelers easily defeated the Mayberry Street Aardvarks in that street's annual championship game for preschoolers.  The youngest player in the game, he dominated, completing 3 of 26 passes for an excellent 13.6 quarterback rating.  Kelly, who attended the game, said, "His scrambling ability is just amazing, and he can throw an out pattern across his body while rolling to his right, and I mean rolling, which is something rare in a player his age." Notre Dame fans can't wait to see him suit up, and the Pope has blessed the agreement. Pat Robertson said that no pact with the devil was involved.

Pamela Anderson's Conversion to Pastafarianism Nearly Fatal

In the Galactic Confederacy seventy five million years ago, when Xenu did his tax audit of John Travolta and Tom Cruise, he found discrepancies in their returns. This made Xenu unhappy. So he froze the two would-be actors and sent them to earth, better known as "Teegeeack".  Their frozen, disembodied souls proceeded to find nice looking bodies, which learned to pretend to be other people while yet other people filmed them. This made them rich, got them hot women, gave them the time and means (string, tin cans, lie detector, paranoia) to talk to dead space aliens, and allowed them to live mostly happily ever after, not only scientifically proving that L. Ron Hubbard is a great writer and religious figure, but that Scientology works and deserves all the respect that the other religions get.  

Some of the few bumps in their respective roads arose when they encountered Pamela Anderson, who was on a mission to become, without the aid of silicone, even more ethereal than she already was.  John and Tom, hoping to land another big name convert, told her all about the self improvement aspect of their official religion.  John put on his pilot uniform and flew her around on one of his planes, and Tom showed her the best way to jump up and down on a couch without stretching her ligaments.  These activities impressed her, and everybody had fun, but this wasn't quite what she had been looking for.  After all, Pamela already was about as improved as she could get and was aware that for some time she had been operating under the law of diminishing returns and the law of gravity but definitely not the law of diminishing gravity.  John and Tom's secrecy about Xenu and their ability to talk to dead space aliens appears to have been a major miscalculation on their part if they indeed really wanted to convince her to convert to Scientology.  Would either of them have tried to unload one of their underwater mortgages by hiding an amenity like a neat backyard swimming pool with a water slide and combination fire pit-wet bar?  I think not.

While half-heartedly considering joining the Official Church of Scientology, Ms. Anderson heard about the less official Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  The first time she gazed upon a representation of His Googly Eyes and Noodly Appendage, she wanted to become a Pastafarian.  It was too late for John and Tom and the aliens.  They had lost their recruit.  Little did they know that she'd always been a sucker for noodly appendages, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster had the biggest and best she'd ever seen.  Yes, THE biggest and best.  Hard to believe, but it's twue. It's twue. 

Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Governor of California, was busy trying to fix his state's economy by sending its old people to Florida.  However, Pat Robertson reported that Mr. Schwarzenegger also made a pact with the devil to get some help in easing the state's economic woes.  This resulted in God punishing California by sending an army of giant squid to invade its coastal waters.  Mr. Robertson had no information as to whether Xenu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster were also involved in the invasion, but it is doubtful even though some space aliens hint that Xenu is prone to that type of prank.

Not aware of this invasion, Pamela Anderson went on with her A*Muse fashion show in Miami.  The people of South Florida were not amused, and the only twenty people to show up were old people whom Schwarzenegger had sent to Florida.  They inadvertently got off the bus in front of the Miami nightclub where Pamela was holding her show, went in for what they thought would be a quick drink, and cheerfully prevented the show from being a complete flop.  Pamela was grateful, and having her own ship, very quickly sailed to California to thank its governor for saving her show.

Reaching the Coast of Southern California, Pamela saw noodly appendages in the water, and thinking it was the Giant Spaghetti Monster there to welcome her, she could not resist jumping in. Alas, it was not her new god, but rather the Christian god's invading squid army. The situation rapidly deteriorated when a big squid grabbed her.  Nearby fishermen tried to divert the squid's attention by dangling a delectable little bait squid in front of the enormous creature.

However, the giant squid apparently was either a male or a lesbian and continued in its attempt to devour the appetizing Anderson.  Fortunately or unfortunately, depending upon how you look at it, the squid's limited throat was unable to accommodate Pamela's breasts, and he regretfully choked her up into the water, where her unexpectedly amazing buoyancy allowed the cheering fishermen to pull her to safety.

Ms. Anderson blamed this incident on the State of California's pact with the devil, but, being a Pastafarian, she forgave Arnold Schwarzenegger and contacted Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, to help publicize the need for women in Coastal Southern California to, as soon as possible, get breast implants sufficiently large to choke a giant squid.  Ms. Sebelius reportedly replied that there really was no need to do that.