Sarah Palin's Popularity Rises Sharply

The title of David S. Broder's column in The Washington Post today is "Sarah Palin displays her pitch-perfect populism." Mr. Broder reported, "When [Chris Wallace of FOX News] asked her what role she wants to play in the country's future, she said:

"First and foremost, I want to be a good mom, and I want to raise happy, healthy, independent children. And I want them to be good citizens of this great country.

"And then I do want to be a voice for some common-sense solutions. I'm never going to pretend like I know more than the next person. I'm not going to pretend to be an elitist. In fact, I'm going to fight the elitist, because for too often and for too long now, I think the elitists have tried to make people like me and people in the heartland of America feel like we just don't get it, and big government's just going to have to take care of us. Well, maybe some of us don't get it, but big business has been taking care of us just fine.

"The time for big government is over, except for the military, the only part of the government that works. As bad as the incompetent elitists who run most of our government are, that is how good the regular folks in the military are. The elitists pretend that we're all in danger of getting sick or going broke or having some big businessman stick his hand in our pants. That's just not true. Many more people die from terror, as a result of foreigners doing stuff like putting explosives in their underpants and blowing up buildings because this government is not protecting us.  Maybe martial law until this emergency is over would be the right thing to do.  I don't pretend to know.

"What I do know is we love liberty. But there are foreigners, those who are different from us normal, common-sense people, who want to take it away. The elitists who ask, 'What did we do to deserve this?' hate America. We are not perfect, but we almost are. We never did anything to deserve what they've done to us and want to do to us. They want to take our liberty. They want to take our God. That's why we're at war, why we've been in a state of emergency, making wartime sacrifices for almost ten years. That's why we must make small sacrifices, such as not criticizing our brave military or putting regulations on our businesses. Our economy was doing just fine until we overregulated and caused the problems we have now. George Bush would've solved the problem by now. That's why we've got to get rid of Obama and the other Democrats who have caused these problems.

"You see, a big part of the problem is when you get these people who aren't heartland people. You know, like Indians or Mexicans or blacks. They get money from big government and go get things like Cadillacs and fancy degrees, like in science or something, and get a good affirmative action job and think they're elite and better than the rest of us who built this country and love it. We slaved to make this country the home of the free and the land of the brave. It's our country, and it shouldn't be taken over by elites."

A recent poll shows that many Americans are responding to Sarah Palin's message. It is not very surprising that whites and retards, most of whom are against progressive agendas like evolution and getting power directly from the sun without going through 6,000 year old fossil fuels, really like what Ms. Palin is saying. It is a persuasive message, one that many heartland people wholeheartedly have taken to heart. That is the reason for the sharp rise in her popularity among many Americans.

Elites may disagree, but we won't go into that now, since this really isn't their country. Palin also has not yet won over some of the non-elites. For example, Josh "The Ponceman" Perry, charismatic star of "Retarded Policeman," who is both white and retarded, stated that the poor memory Ms. Palin demonstrates by having to write notes on her hand disturbs him profoundly. He said, "They would have fired me a long time ago if I couldn't remember my lines, and the scripts in my films are far more complex than her speeches." When I told him that Mr. Broder gave Ms. Palin a vote of confidence, stating, "Those who want to stop her will need more ammunition than deriding her habit of writing on her hand. The lady is good." Mr. Perry conceded, "Yes she is, for a f#!%ing retard."

Pat Robertson Warns New Orleans

A reliable source reported that Pat Robertson dropped 50 dimes on the Super Bowl due to his misplaced faith in Peyton Manning.  Mr. Robertson stated, "All the experts, even the New York Times, were talking about this guy being the second coming.  All I've been hearing for the past month is that he studies film 23 hours a day, teaches his coaches how the game should be played, and intimidates these 350 pound offensive linemen into protecting him just by giving them that look of his.  Hell, I used to think Tom Brady was as good as Peyton until that supermodel wife he married sapped and impurified all his precious bodily fluids.  I learned though.  I thought I saw the light.

"Jesus H. Christ......the way Peyton played this year?  Damn.  There's no way that little putz Brees could outplay him.  Not unless there was something hinky.  It's not the 50 grand that bothers me so much.  There's a sucker born every minute.  I'll get the money back in no time.  It's just that I don't like feeling like a f*!#ing retard!  Now I'm really thinking that something's not kosher.  The way God punished New Orleans with Katrina.  There's no way he's gonna let them win the Super Bowl less than five years later.

"Then, after the game, I hear Brees say, 'God is great.'  Wait a minute.  I've heard that before. 'Allahu Akbar.'  Man, Brees was is in on this thing too. That's when I realized....the Goddam devil again.  He made a pact with those bastards so they could beat somebody that obviously no human could beat.  I should've figured.  Well, I'm not only gonna go get my money back from my sheep, but I'm gonna buy up a bunch of cheap property in that stinking town, take out a shitload of flood insurance, and laugh my ass off all the way to the bank when God drowns those bastards like the rats they are. God IS great."

We wanted confirm this story as being 100% accurate, so we tried to get God's take on it. The only communication we received was the following:

Next Year's Super Bowl Halftime Will Be Super

AARP, "leading a revolution in the way old people view and live life after sex has become either boring or impossible for them," complained to the NFL and Bridgestone, the sponsors of the Super Bowl halftime show, that the cutting edge acts starring in recent shows give the appearance that old people either do not like football or are too senile to grasp what they are seeing on the TV screen. AARP President Jennie Chin Hansen stated that acts like Prince, The Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, and The Who, who are making this year's show part of their seventeenth farewell tour, are fine for whippersnappers but leave those she represents "drooling in their barcaloungers in indifference." 

John Baratta, president of Bridgestone's consumer replacement tire business, upon first hearing Hansen's complaint, replied that he "really is not so concerned with what AARP thinks because old people generally drive so slowly and badly that it doesn't make any difference what kind of tires they have on their cars; they'll be dead soon anyway."  Hansen, ignoring or not hearing what Baratta said, persisted in her complaints until Baratta conceded that she might have a point.  So Bridgestone and the NFL have reached an agreement with AARP to cosponsor The Coasters, whose hits include Little Egypt (Ying-Yang), Down In Mexico, Along Came Jones, and Charlie Brown, in next year's show.  This is an apt choice, since the Cleveland Browns and their brilliant coach Eric Mangini, Cleveland's own "Charlie Brown," will be many experts' favorite to represent the AFC next year.

A mollified Hansen reflected, "I am satisfied with our arrangement and hope I didn't ruffle too many feathers.  I mean, what's wrong with the Coasters?  They're great.  It's not like I'm trying to dig up any old act just to appeal to a particular demographic.  I do hope that the NFL and whoever sponsors future shows do continue to consult me.  I'm sure we could agree to have acts that appeal to all ages, like the Beatles and the Doors, appear in the future."

One Year Old Quarterback Commits to Notre Dame

Not to be outdone by USC's increasingly aggressive recruitment, newly hired Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly secured a commitment from one year old Rocky Rumzinger to accept a football scholarship. Rumzinger, who does not yet attend school, drew the attention of local fans and scouts when his Mayberry Street Steelers easily defeated the Mayberry Street Aardvarks in that street's annual championship game for preschoolers.  The youngest player in the game, he dominated, completing 3 of 26 passes for an excellent 13.6 quarterback rating.  Kelly, who attended the game, said, "His scrambling ability is just amazing, and he can throw an out pattern across his body while rolling to his right, and I mean rolling, which is something rare in a player his age." Notre Dame fans can't wait to see him suit up, and the Pope has blessed the agreement. Pat Robertson said that no pact with the devil was involved.

Pamela Anderson's Conversion to Pastafarianism Nearly Fatal

In the Galactic Confederacy seventy five million years ago, when Xenu did his tax audit of John Travolta and Tom Cruise, he found discrepancies in their returns. This made Xenu unhappy. So he froze the two would-be actors and sent them to earth, better known as "Teegeeack".  Their frozen, disembodied souls proceeded to find nice looking bodies, which learned to pretend to be other people while yet other people filmed them. This made them rich, got them hot women, gave them the time and means (string, tin cans, lie detector, paranoia) to talk to dead space aliens, and allowed them to live mostly happily ever after, not only scientifically proving that L. Ron Hubbard is a great writer and religious figure, but that Scientology works and deserves all the respect that the other religions get.  

Some of the few bumps in their respective roads arose when they encountered Pamela Anderson, who was on a mission to become, without the aid of silicone, even more ethereal than she already was.  John and Tom, hoping to land another big name convert, told her all about the self improvement aspect of their official religion.  John put on his pilot uniform and flew her around on one of his planes, and Tom showed her the best way to jump up and down on a couch without stretching her ligaments.  These activities impressed her, and everybody had fun, but this wasn't quite what she had been looking for.  After all, Pamela already was about as improved as she could get and was aware that for some time she had been operating under the law of diminishing returns and the law of gravity but definitely not the law of diminishing gravity.  John and Tom's secrecy about Xenu and their ability to talk to dead space aliens appears to have been a major miscalculation on their part if they indeed really wanted to convince her to convert to Scientology.  Would either of them have tried to unload one of their underwater mortgages by hiding an amenity like a neat backyard swimming pool with a water slide and combination fire pit-wet bar?  I think not.

While half-heartedly considering joining the Official Church of Scientology, Ms. Anderson heard about the less official Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  The first time she gazed upon a representation of His Googly Eyes and Noodly Appendage, she wanted to become a Pastafarian.  It was too late for John and Tom and the aliens.  They had lost their recruit.  Little did they know that she'd always been a sucker for noodly appendages, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster had the biggest and best she'd ever seen.  Yes, THE biggest and best.  Hard to believe, but it's twue. It's twue. 

Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Governor of California, was busy trying to fix his state's economy by sending its old people to Florida.  However, Pat Robertson reported that Mr. Schwarzenegger also made a pact with the devil to get some help in easing the state's economic woes.  This resulted in God punishing California by sending an army of giant squid to invade its coastal waters.  Mr. Robertson had no information as to whether Xenu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster were also involved in the invasion, but it is doubtful even though some space aliens hint that Xenu is prone to that type of prank.

Not aware of this invasion, Pamela Anderson went on with her A*Muse fashion show in Miami.  The people of South Florida were not amused, and the only twenty people to show up were old people whom Schwarzenegger had sent to Florida.  They inadvertently got off the bus in front of the Miami nightclub where Pamela was holding her show, went in for what they thought would be a quick drink, and cheerfully prevented the show from being a complete flop.  Pamela was grateful, and having her own ship, very quickly sailed to California to thank its governor for saving her show.

Reaching the Coast of Southern California, Pamela saw noodly appendages in the water, and thinking it was the Giant Spaghetti Monster there to welcome her, she could not resist jumping in. Alas, it was not her new god, but rather the Christian god's invading squid army. The situation rapidly deteriorated when a big squid grabbed her.  Nearby fishermen tried to divert the squid's attention by dangling a delectable little bait squid in front of the enormous creature.

However, the giant squid apparently was either a male or a lesbian and continued in its attempt to devour the appetizing Anderson.  Fortunately or unfortunately, depending upon how you look at it, the squid's limited throat was unable to accommodate Pamela's breasts, and he regretfully choked her up into the water, where her unexpectedly amazing buoyancy allowed the cheering fishermen to pull her to safety.

Ms. Anderson blamed this incident on the State of California's pact with the devil, but, being a Pastafarian, she forgave Arnold Schwarzenegger and contacted Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, to help publicize the need for women in Coastal Southern California to, as soon as possible, get breast implants sufficiently large to choke a giant squid.  Ms. Sebelius reportedly replied that there really was no need to do that.