Monsanto GMO Maize a Winner

Jerry Steiner, Executive Vice President of Sustainability and Corporate Affairs, opened the American Farm Bureau Federation's annual meeting by stating, "We see the need for an 80 percent increase in food production that the world is going to need to feed about nine billion people in 2050, versus the six and a half or so billion people we have today. Soybean and corn production will have to at least double to meet the imminent drastic increase in demand for Big Macs and Whoppers.  That's premised on the fact that people around the world are increasing their incomes, and one of the first things people do when they increase their income is improve the quality of their diet. That’s what we’ve been seeing out of Asia over the last several years.

"To increase the world population from six and a half to nine billion in the space of just forty years, people are going to need a lot of energy. The Asians, heretofore quite prolific when unrestrained, are going to have to do their part, so they'd better change their diet. Right now they are eating a lot of things like rice, fish balls, and scorpions. Inscrutable people, but they appear to be capable of learning. Before looking into this matter, I didn't even know that fish had balls, but I know that they can't be either as tasty or nutritious as a good old Big Mac. Our new genetically modified maize is as prolific as a Chinaman, and cows love it.  Meat production around the world will take off, and soon everyone will eat like an American. I can't help thinking that the primitive people of the world are lucky we discovered them before they starved.

“What we’re aiming to achieve is very much a designer approach with breeding that we can then complement with specific genes from biotechnology. We look at breeding as largely creating potential inside a seed. That potential then goes into the plant, then into the animal that eats it, and finally into you, a chain of increasing potentiality, a beautiful thing.  Some Swedes and Greenpeace hippies have complained that eating some of our genetically modified maize 'could result in damage to the liver and kidneys.' The 'unusual concentrations of hormones and other compounds' they found in the blood and urine of the rats they tested really was no more than you would find in your average professional football player.  And look how those guys run around and knock each other over and then get up and dance and run around again.  Big, dancing Energizer Bunnies. So, see, there really is nothing to worry about unless you don't want your kids to grow up as big, strong and healthy as football players and as ready to reproduce as bunnies.”

Mr. Steiner then presented Ralph the Rat, one of Monsanto's own test rats, to show how healthy he was after eating Monsanto's designer maize for the first six months of his life.  He had quite an impressive physique and looked as healthy as an offensive tackle.

There is no reason I can find to fall for the leftist propaganda unfairly impugning Monsanto's fine new product, a product that promises to assist in adding two and a half billion Big Mac munching people to our planet in the next forty years.  Let us be fruitful and multiply with Monsanto's help. Therefore, I must give this product a "thumbs up."  Bon appetit.

FBI Questions Trigger Involvement in Alleged Cryer Hit Plan

Two days ago "Crimesider" reported that the FBI had been investigating an allegation that Jon Cryer, costar of "Two and a Half Men," made against his ex-wife, Sarah Trigger.  Cryer has stated that Trigger hired a hit man to kill him.  Ryan Smith reported, "Cryer and Trigger went through what has been described as a very bitter divorce and are involved in a custody fight....Vicki Greene, a lawyer for Trigger, denies that her client had any involvement."  Ryan wrote that Ms. Greene said, "The allegations are ridiculous.  Look at Jon and look at my client.  She could kick his ass all by herself. She not only outweighs him by a substantial amount, but he's obviously a wimp.  Don't you watch the show?"  Ryan said he didn't, that "Heroes" and "24" are on at the same time and his VCR can only tape one while he's watching the other.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, who is heading the investigation, also said he doesn't watch the show but that he agrees Trigger probably could kick Jon's ass all by herself.  Even so, he's looking into the allegations and is waiting for the dwarf who regularly appears in his dreams to give him further direction.  He said he'd also like to interview Bob Sheen, who currently is involved in the ongoing situation between his parents, Charlie and Brooke.  Agent Cooper saw a tape of Jon, Bob, and Trigger at last year's Emmy Awards and, "things just didn't look right" to him.

He added that he's having a hard time finding a good cup of coffee in the Burbank area but that the pie is fine.

Family Study Threatens Traditional Marriage

A recent Journal of Marriage and Family study "argues that 'fatherless' children are not necessarily at a disadvantage and that men do not provide a different set of parenting skills than women." The study found that two mothers tended to play with their children more than a traditional mother and father would. This is fine if you want your children to grow up thinking that play is important. Unfortunately, playing with your children will not put the fear of God into them or give them the proper respect for authority.

Also, the secular scientists responsible for the study minimized certain aspects that any Biblically grounded scientist would have considered important. For example, they brushed aside as unimportant the finding that boys raised by two mothers tended frequently "to get the shit beat out of them because they threw like girls." Also, since two mothers did not physically discipline their children as often as any proper father would, their daughters were less likely to recognize the natural, God-given supremacy of males, diminishing their chances of getting married. Two-mother sons experienced debilitating confusion when traditionally-raised boys beat them for throwing like girls because they didn't know which mother to go running to. Sometimes they just fell down in a state of catatonic confusion. Also, lesbians tended to raise boys who, as men, experienced unnatural multiple orgasms and persistently talked about their feelings for up to several minutes after each one whether or not anyone else was present.

When two fathers raise girls there are less severe drawbacks, with 67.2% of daughters suffering from OCRD, number 2184 of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This Obsessive Compulsive Disorder compels the sufferer to repeatedly redecorate her environment while singing show tunes. It usually is more annoying than dangerous unless heavy furniture, such as a grand piano, is present, in which case the sufferer may try to move and play the piano at the same time. This can be fatal. Xanax has been used to treat OCRD successfully. One side effect, unfortunately, is death.

I can conclude only that more studies are necessary before we decide that two mothers or two fathers can replace the traditional father-mother family. However, even if further studies show that two mothers or two fathers have, on average, parenting skills superior to those of a heterosexual couple, we should ignore them because, if we don't, God will punish us, and then where will we be? Haiti?

Texting? Don't Walk; Drive.

Today's New York Times contained an article as disturbing as any I've read recently. It seems that "slightly more than 1,000 pedestrians visited emergency rooms in 2008 because they got distracted and tripped, fell or ran into something while using a cellphone to talk or text. That was twice the number from 2007, which had nearly doubled from 2006, according to a study conducted by Ohio State University, which says it is the first to estimate such accidents."  My gut reactions to this report were first, denial, then grief, anger, and acceptance.  These stages were not followed by the usual obliviousness, and I continue to accept that we all should be more careful about when we use our cellphones. 

Most people would agree that walking is a more simple task than driving.  Many of us learn to walk before we learn to drive.  Therefore, if using a cellphone impairs our ability to do a simple task, does it not impair to an even greater extent our ability to do one that is more complex?  "Perhaps," you might say.  But you would only say this if you had not thought about it first.  Americans, particularly Republicans, are filled with complex ideas.  Listen in on any cellphone conversation.  You hear only one side of it, but more often than not you will be able to tell that you have chanced upon some deep philosophical, scientific, or religious discussion.  Even if you are witness to gossip, the topic matter usually will be about, say, some acquaintance's existential angst due to her perusal of the thinness of the atmosphere in relation to the vastness of outer space and the possibility that precious air is getting sucked out through holes made by mankind's rockets. 

Now, the part of the brain that deals with simple matters such as walking is not too swift.  It needs to concentrate on what it is doing.  So your engagement in a complex discussion will suck blood and electricity from the simple area into the complex area, causing impairment in your ability to engage in tasks like walking.  However, if, while talking or texting on your cellphone, you get into your car to drive, the brain's complex center already is engaged.  The brain shuttle system (BSS) does not have to shift resources away from another area, like the simple one that controls your walking.  This is one reason why, if you must talk or text while eating, you should dine on something complicated, like lobster or a Chicago-style hot dog with the works. It is also why you could text, eat lobster, and drive at the same time without posing any danger to either yourself or others.  Just make sure that you finish eating and texting before you arrive at your destination and have to walk.

Sarah Palin, Innovator

"Dedicated to building America's future, supporting fresh ideas and candidates who share our vision for reform and innovation," Sarah Palin's official PAC has hit the ground running. Even though there are many wonderful potential Republican Presidential candidates to consider, Ms. Palin's PAC gives us fast food for thought. "SarahPAC believes America's best days are ahead. Our country, founded on conservative principles and the fight for freedom, must confront the challenges of the 21st century with integrity, innovation, and determination."

Opposing the dogmatic scientific elite that has gotten a leg up on our neck, Ms. Palin, with integrity and determination, offers to defend the conservative principles of this nation. Even though the founding fathers did not mention God in the Constitution, we are well aware that they meant God to be the Rock upon which the Republic rests. Do not ask us how we know. It is simple. We just know. We believe. They were Christians. We are Christians. Could the connection or their intention be be any more clear?

Ms. Palin realizes that we must innovate in order to compete with the Chinese, Indians, Italians and other non-Christians who, if they gain greater economic power, might use it to threaten our freedom. Living right next door to the Russians, she literally can see that their brand of Christianity really is un-American, even though she gives them credit for trying. She heartily disagrees with the elite's view that Christian beliefs would stifle progress. Did they prevent us from inventing the dinosaur saddle?

Did they make us think that a square wheel would be better than the one we invented? Believing in the literal Word of God, Christains innovated and then innovated some more, coming up not only with the saddle, the wheel, and the Ark, but with atomic bombs, video games, ShamWow, and countless other great inventions in the 6,000 or so years since we were kicked out of the Garden.

As you can see, Christianity does not impede innovation. It is the Lord's spark that ignites the creative imagination, keeping us ahead of the elite, secular science - embracing foreigners. If we want to maintain our scientific lead, we must prevent these secularists from poisoning our scientific progress with their unfounded beliefs. Just yesterday a marine dinosaur ate a tourist off the coast of Cape Town, South Africa, prompting Ms. Palin to state, "This is proof that man and dinosaurs have coexisted and that dinosaurs do not have feathers. South Africa is our ally, so I think I'll get my wolf hunting plane and go down there and bust a cap in that dinosaur's ass, pick him up before he gets fossilized, and show all you secularists who like to date carbon that Christian Science is the only way to understand the world and the universe that revolves around us."

Amen.