Good news from the cellphone front gave Thomas Malthus's Gloomy Gus ideology another hit today. Dr. Devra Lee Davis, and I use the term "Dr." loosely, tries to scare us in her book Disconnect into thinking that the microwave radiation that cellphones emit is dangerous to American humans, especially babies. When was the last time you saw a baby talking on a cellphone? We had a similar radiation scares in the 50's and 60's. Remember Godzilla and "Duck and Cover?" Well, sorry to say, most of us are still here. We ducked and covered, and no paper mache Japanese monster or invisible waves or anything else made us glow in the dark. We are Americans. We are survivors. So, Dr. Davis and assorted Swedes, don't try to scare us now with this cellphone radiation crap.
The worst that a little microwave radiation could do would be to kill a few weaklings and improve our gene pool, making us more resistant to microwaves. Some of the ridiculous safety regulations burdening the microwave oven industry could be removed. Another benefit would be an additional constraint upon the population, removing primarily those who aren't fit to be here. It would also decrease some liberals' perceived need to have abortions. If your pregnancy has you upset, don't go rushing to the abortion doctor; just be patient and give your baby a cellphone. If your kid is strong, he will survive, and you'll be happy you didn't abort the little bugger, who will be there to support you when there is no more Social Security. The survival of the strong will improve the quality of our population and maybe even solve the concussion problem many of the weaker NFL players are whining about. Better people will mean thicker skulls, firmer, more entrenched brains and, consequently, less squishing around upon impact. The strengthening of the American person through cellphone use is sure to have other positive benefits, but I will not go into these now, because I am not a doctor yet.
Considering all the positive benefits of cellphone radiation, we should not have a left knee jerk reaction to a problem that doesn't exist. There is no need for big governmental regulation. We must use the legislative machinery sparingly, only to protect society's most vulnerable, like the unborn and corporations. For example, there is no need for a law to prevent a parent from giving a cellphone to a baby, but pregnant mothers should not be permitted to attempt abortions by holding cellphones against their bellies. This is nothing more than common sense and compassionate Conservatism at its best.
The only problematic aspect of this issue is what we should do about those who have an adverse reaction to cellphones but are too strong to die quickly. The following short video offers a possible solution.
Glenn Beck today reported that Paul Krugman is about to launch a movement to make "Yes! We Have No Bananas" the Official National Anthem. Beck stated that obviously he was not opposed to the change merely because of Mr. Krugman's liberal bias. It is well known that Francis Scott Keynes, the author of The Star Spangled Banner's lyrics was a well-known liberal economist who set aside his un-American beliefs in an alcohol-fueled fit of patriotic fervor to write the inspiring lyrics. Unknown setters then set those lyrics to the moving, and at the time popular, British Drinking Song, "Yes! We Have Salted Peanuts" to create an anthem unmatched in the panoply of national anthems. Even though I must side with Mr. Beck, who, as usual, is right, in the spirit of American fairness, may the best song win!
Thomas Friedman sank to a new low in his November 16, 2010 column concerning President Obama's upcoming $2 billion trip to India, a trip that will cost $200 million a day. Friedman indicated that such reputable journalists as Matt Drudge, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Michael Savage reported that the trip would include 34 warships and 3,000 people. India’s Press Trust apparently failed to swear on a stack of Bhagavad Gitas that “an alleged Indian provincial official, from the Indian state of Maharashtra" supplied this information. I see no reason for Mr. Friedman to impugn the journalistic integrity of either the Press Trust or the aforementioned journalists. After all, Maharashtra is a genuine Indian state, and there is no evidence that any of its unknown provincial officials are liars. So kudos to Beck, Limbaugh, Drudge, and Savage for not lowering their standards with the gratuitous doubt of an unknown official, to whom Mr Friedman might considering apologizing. Why check facts just to please a few skeptics? What can we expect next, the flat earther Friedman to attack the Unknown Soldier?
ATLANTA — Some people placed emergency calls reporting heart attacks, others rushed in a panic to buy bread and residents of western border villages staggered from their homes and dashed for safety in Alabama — all after a television station in Georgia broadcast a mock newscast on Saturday night that pretended to report on a Liberal invasion of the state.
The program was evidently intended as political satire, but the depiction was sufficiently realistic — and tales of Sherman's March to the Sea still sufficiently vivid — that viewers headed for the doors before they could absorb the point.
Producers at (FOX) WAGA-TV5 taped the episode in the studio normally used for the evening news broadcast, using an anchor familiar to the audience, and then broadcast the show at 8 p.m. Saturday with an initial disclaimer that many viewers apparently did not understand.
Looking nervous and fumbling with papers as if juggling the chaos of a breaking news story, the anchor announced that sporadic fighting had begun on the streets of Atlanta, that Liberal bombers were airborne and heading for Georgia, that troops were skirmishing to the north and that a battalion of monkeys riding dinosaurs was reported to be on the move.
The broadcast showed dinosaurs rumbling down a road, along with jerky images of alleged evolutionary missing links parachuting out of the sky and dropping bombs sporting the inscrutable inscription "Fat Chimp."
“People went into a panic,” Laura Lackey, a former director of the Miss Georgia Pageant, said in a telephone interview from Clarkston. She compared the mock news broadcast and its effect on the population to the radio depiction of an invasion from Mars in Orson Welles’ adaptation of “War of the Worlds.”
Lines formed at gas stations in Georgia and cellphone service crashed under the weight of panicky calls, the authorities said. The frantic buying in the capital made real at least a part of the fake news report, which had described similar scenes unfolding.
In Columbus, where all four restaurants were packed on Saturday night, rumors swirled of a Liberal invasion, led by the reincarnation of Teddy Kennedy. Adding to the alarm, when people reached for their electronic media, all they got was "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me."
When contacted, Boy George denied any involvement in the incident.
“If you hear that war started, of course you run for the bank machine, then run home, it’s natural,” Rahmo Sahid, a taxi driver in Clarkston, said in a telephone interview, describing the scene as “a little chaos” that lasted for about three hours. The radio station Echo of the Klan reported that residents of Griswoldville, a city that Sherman particularly traumatized, left their apartment for the streets as the news anchor read bulletins about the approach of the dinosaur-riding monkeys that many of them had feared since visiting the state-of-the-art Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky, located just seven miles west of the Cincinnati Airport.
Some of the video shown during the show was real file footage of monkeys and dinosaurs with mock voiceovers.
Democratic leaders called the show a maneuver by Georgia’s governor, Sonny Perdue, to discredit his political rivals, because the broadcast depicted the opposition as collaborating with the invading monkeys. The director of WAGA-TV5 is a former official in Mr. Perdue's government, and his recently married brother and sister are running his chicken farms for him while he is in Atlanta.
“The government’s treatment of its own people is outrageous,” said Nancy Pelosi, a Democratic leader whom the mock newscast depicted as greeting the monkeys with a smile, according to Fox News.
WAGA is a privately owned television station. After the broadcast, a spokeswoman for Governor Perdue condemned the program for frightening viewers, but said that he still loved Rupert Murdoch. On Sunday, Mr. Perdue repeated the criticism, but he added that the show had frightened people precisely because it portrayed a realistic future for Georgia if the Liberals had their way.
“I believe yesterday’s report will become an obstacle to them fulfilling their plans, despite the nervous reaction,” he said Sunday, according to Fox News. The Governor had previously criticized Liberals for spreading the rumor that people evolved from monkeys, who now were intent on a liberal, progressive agenda of devolution.
Mr. Perdue has no say over what WAGA broadcasts, except for its chicken commercials, which are protected as corporate free speech under the first amendment. The television station clearly identified the program as fictitious before the broadcast began but did not take into account the fact that Georgia schools have been using Texas textbooks to educate their citizens. Also, viewers who tuned in later would have had to rely on clues. Those textbooks consider clues to be facts, which means that they are merely theoretical distractions if not deemed intelligently designed by the Texas State Board of Education.
The fighting in the video was taking place in the summer, for example, not in March. This should have been a clue, because only 37 people in Georgia are aware of the possibility of global warming, and those 37 would not have had time to get out the word, which might have been ignored anyway. The report sketched a scenario in which Liberals intervened to quell domestic unrest in Atlanta after Pinecrest Academy allegedly proved that intelligent design not only discredited Darwin's theory of evolution but showed that Negroes were part of a 'stupid design' plan that God junked in the draft stage but that subsequently demoted Liberal Angels maliciously implemented behind His usually omniscient back when He was intoxicated. In the show, President Obama was shown striding to a microphone at the White House, with the voiceover explaining that he was announcing sanctions against Georgia.
This further inflamed the already flaming Georgians. As the extent of the disruption it had caused quickly became clear, WAGA ran a crawl clarifying that the newscast was a simulation and apologizing.
The panic lasted about 55 minutes, said Shota Ogota, the director of the Department of Fairness and Balance at Fox News. Paramedics on Saturday evening reported three times the typical number of emergency calls, many for heart attack symptoms, he said.
“There was quite a scare,” Governor Perdue said. "The Liberals did not prevail. Praise the Lord."
Former football manager Rudi Assauer let us know in an exclusive interview that the famous Sigmund Freud quote, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," is not true. Assauer said, "Not only did Freud never say that, but it is not true that the cigar is just the cigar. To me, it is the cock of my old Samoan-American friend, Esera Tuaolo. Here. I will show you a photograph of us together during one of the best weeks of my life, when I was able to get away from the primitive Eurotrash who usually surround me.
"When I was with my friend Esera and the wonderfully masculine American footballers I was able to let my feminine side out and show the world who I really am. Not only did we have such fun that week, but I experienced the best sex of my life with Esera, who, shall I say, 'expanded my horizons' in a way I had never before experienced."
So I say, 'There is no place in football for gays' because European footballers are so preciously, mincingly masculine, prancing around in their little speedos. They are not at all like the Americans, who I found to be good and simple and hard. I would never, as the Americans say, 'put out' for any of these disingenuously homophobic European sissies even though so many of them probably would love for me to suck their little cocks like I do my cigars. That's why I say ridiculous things like, 'I never in my life met a gay person.' I will humor these idiots for as long as I'm here. Then, when I'm ready, I'll go back to America, where I can wear my little black dress with pride. I hope to find a real man like Esera and happily live out my life being who I really am."
