Panic in Georgia After a Mock News Broadcast

ATLANTA — Some people placed emergency calls reporting heart attacks, others rushed in a panic to buy bread and residents of western border villages staggered from their homes and dashed for safety in Alabama — all after a television station in Georgia broadcast a mock newscast on Saturday night that pretended to report on a Liberal invasion of the state.

The program was evidently intended as political satire, but the depiction was sufficiently realistic — and tales of Sherman's March to the Sea still sufficiently vivid — that viewers headed for the doors before they could absorb the point.

Producers at (FOX) WAGA-TV5 taped the episode in the studio normally used for the evening news broadcast, using an anchor familiar to the audience, and then broadcast the show at 8 p.m. Saturday with an initial disclaimer that many viewers apparently did not understand.

Looking nervous and fumbling with papers as if juggling the chaos of a breaking news story, the anchor announced that sporadic fighting had begun on the streets of Atlanta, that Liberal bombers were airborne and heading for Georgia, that troops were skirmishing to the north and that a battalion of monkeys riding dinosaurs was reported to be on the move.

The broadcast showed dinosaurs rumbling down a road, along with jerky images of alleged evolutionary missing links parachuting out of the sky and dropping bombs sporting the inscrutable inscription "Fat Chimp."

“People went into a panic,” Laura Lackey, a former director of the Miss Georgia Pageant, said in a telephone interview from Clarkston. She compared the mock news broadcast and its effect on the population to the radio depiction of an invasion from Mars in Orson Welles’ adaptation of “War of the Worlds.”

Lines formed at gas stations in Georgia and cellphone service crashed under the weight of panicky calls, the authorities said. The frantic buying in the capital made real at least a part of the fake news report, which had described similar scenes unfolding.

In Columbus, where all four restaurants were packed on Saturday night, rumors swirled of a Liberal invasion, led by the reincarnation of Teddy Kennedy. Adding to the alarm, when people reached for their electronic media, all they got was "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me."


When contacted, Boy George denied any involvement in the incident.

“If you hear that war started, of course you run for the bank machine, then run home, it’s natural,” Rahmo Sahid, a taxi driver in Clarkston, said in a telephone interview, describing the scene as “a little chaos” that lasted for about three hours. The radio station Echo of the Klan reported that residents of Griswoldville, a city that Sherman particularly traumatized, left their apartment for the streets as the news anchor read bulletins about the approach of the dinosaur-riding monkeys that many of them had feared since visiting the state-of-the-art Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky, located just seven miles west of the Cincinnati Airport.

Some of the video shown during the show was real file footage of monkeys and dinosaurs with mock voiceovers.

Democratic leaders called the show a maneuver by Georgia’s governor, Sonny Perdue, to discredit his political rivals, because the broadcast depicted the opposition as collaborating with the invading monkeys. The director of WAGA-TV5 is a former official in Mr. Perdue's government, and his recently married brother and sister are running his chicken farms for him while he is in Atlanta.

“The government’s treatment of its own people is outrageous,” said Nancy Pelosi, a Democratic leader whom the mock newscast depicted as greeting the monkeys with a smile, according to Fox News.

WAGA is a privately owned television station. After the broadcast, a spokeswoman for Governor Perdue condemned the program for frightening viewers, but said that he still loved Rupert Murdoch.  On Sunday, Mr. Perdue repeated the criticism, but he added that the show had frightened people precisely because it portrayed a realistic future for Georgia if the Liberals had their way.

“I believe yesterday’s report will become an obstacle to them fulfilling their plans, despite the nervous reaction,” he said Sunday, according to Fox News.  The Governor had previously criticized Liberals for spreading the rumor that people evolved from monkeys, who now were intent on a liberal, progressive agenda of devolution.

Mr. Perdue has no say over what WAGA broadcasts, except for its chicken commercials, which are protected as corporate free speech under the first amendment. The television station clearly identified the program as fictitious before the broadcast began but did not take into account the fact that Georgia schools have been using Texas textbooks to educate their citizens. Also, viewers who tuned in later would have had to rely on clues. Those textbooks consider clues to be facts, which means that they are merely theoretical distractions if not deemed intelligently designed by the Texas State Board of Education. 

The fighting in the video was taking place in the summer, for example, not in March. This should have been a clue, because only 37 people in Georgia are aware of the possibility of global warming, and those 37 would not have had time to get out the word, which might have been ignored anyway.  The report sketched a scenario in which Liberals intervened to quell domestic unrest in Atlanta after Pinecrest Academy allegedly proved that intelligent design not only discredited Darwin's theory of evolution but showed that Negroes were part of a 'stupid design' plan that God junked in the draft stage but that subsequently demoted Liberal Angels maliciously implemented behind His usually omniscient back when He was intoxicated. In the show, President Obama was shown striding to a microphone at the White House, with the voiceover explaining that he was announcing sanctions against Georgia.

This further inflamed the already flaming Georgians.  As the extent of the disruption it had caused quickly became clear, WAGA ran a crawl clarifying that the newscast was a simulation and apologizing.

The panic lasted about 55 minutes, said Shota Ogota, the director of the Department of Fairness and Balance at Fox News. Paramedics on Saturday evening reported three times the typical number of emergency calls, many for heart attack symptoms, he said.

“There was quite a scare,” Governor Perdue said. "The Liberals did not prevail.  Praise the Lord."

There is no evidence that this incident was in any way connected with the panic resulting from the recent Imedi television broadcast.

Rudi Assauer Prefers Sex with American Footballers

Former football manager Rudi Assauer let us know in an exclusive interview that the famous Sigmund Freud quote, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," is not true. Assauer said, "Not only did Freud never say that, but it is not true that the cigar is just the cigar. To me, it is the cock of my old Samoan-American friend, Esera Tuaolo. Here. I will show you a photograph of us together during one of the best weeks of my life, when I was able to get away from the primitive Eurotrash who usually surround me.

"When I was with my friend Esera and the wonderfully masculine American footballers I was able to let my feminine side out and show the world who I really am. Not only did we have such fun that week, but I experienced the best sex of my life with Esera, who, shall I say, 'expanded my horizons' in a way I had never before experienced."

So I say, 'There is no place in football for gays' because European footballers are so preciously, mincingly masculine, prancing around in their little speedos. They are not at all like the Americans, who I found to be good and simple and hard. I would never, as the Americans say, 'put out' for any of these disingenuously homophobic European sissies even though so many of them probably would love for me to suck their little cocks like I do my cigars. That's why I say ridiculous things like, 'I never in my life met a gay person.' I will humor these idiots for as long as I'm here. Then, when I'm ready, I'll go back to America, where I can wear my little black dress with pride. I hope to find a real man like Esera and happily live out my life being who I really am."

Good luck to you Rudi. We wish you well.

New Cialis Wonder Drug a Big Thing

Eli Lilly introduced a powerful new product today, called Cialis Weiner, in honor of Anthony Weiner, the heroic Member of the U. S. House of Representatives from New York's Ninth District.  Weiner was the first member of the legislative branch in more than thirty years to  risk offending the notoriously sensitive Republican Party.  He hurt their feeling when he said, "You guys have chutzpah. The Republican Party is the wholly owned subsidiary of the insurance industry. They say this isn't going to do enough, but when we propose an alternative to provide competition, they’re against it. They say we want to strengthen state insurance commissioners and they'll do the job. But when we did that in our national health care bill, they said we’re against it. They said we want to have competition but when we proposed requiring competition they’re against it. They’re a wholly owned subsidiary of the insurance industry. That's the fact!"  Weiner's words were particularly hurtful to Rep. Dan Lungren, who repeatedly pleaded for the Speaker to "take down" the words before they hurt him any more.

Checking the facts, we discovered that Mr. Weiner's allegation is not true.  For example, Mr. Weiner is well aware that the Bush Administration, with much jubilant legislative support, provided many sophisticated, fun weapons to Saudi Arabia, some of whose members like flying around in our fighter jets while others write checks for Osama bin Laden and his merry band of goatherds.  Republicans and many Democrats don't support the Saudis with the intention of harming Americans.  It is just an unfortunate side effect of these Representatives and Senators being partially owned by the armaments industry.  This means that the insurance industry could not possibly wholly own the Republican Party.  I would say that Mr. Weiner owes us an apology.

Even so, Mr. Weiner did demonstrate that he has a big wiener, and Eli Lilly's decision to name its new product after him is understandable.  The debate over the spelling of the product's name may delay its widespread distribution, but considering how important the drug is to American men, that is doubtful.  English teachers across the United States have complained to Lilly that spelling the product "Weiner" instead of "Wiener" will confuse our highly literate and politically aware population, causing many men to believe that the drug might chemically circumcise them or turn them Jewish or do both.  Lilly, however, is confident that its advertising campaign will overcome this "minor glitch."

Cialis Weiner promises to be a blessing for all you guys whose clogged arteries cause your limp, little lad to hide in your pants while you watch TV, munching Big Macs and fries when your friends come to the door to invite him to come out and play.  You no longer have to long for the day that you can be with skanky hos like the ones you see on late night TV.  You know, the ones who explain that guys who are "giggle, giggle, little, giggle" really turn them off, making them wish they were anywhere else, like with a zucchini or home reading Principia Mathematica or something.  Even though all guys want girls like that to fulfill their wildest fantasies, with Cialis Weiner you will move to the head of the long line for their services.  And a big bonus is that Cialis Weiner contains genetically modified bubonic plague bacteria that is harmless to you but will kill any sexually transmitted diseases, even the nastiest ones.

So don't keep your little lad grounded any longer.  If you want him to get swole fast, call 886-441-3070.  Say "Eeborg says you can get my lad swole fast," and you will get a 15% discount.  This offer is good until February 25, 2020.

Why Women Should Not Study Science

Amy Bishop, the prime suspect in the shooting deaths of three of her colleagues at the University of Alabama last Friday, is a tragic tale of science gone wrong.  Those who describe Amy Bishop as an awkward, introverted oddball miss the deeper meaning this tragic story has to tell us all.  Her profession demanded that she regularly appear before young women and men, inappropriately exposing not only her body, but her rational mind to those around her.

Her valiant attempt to override a woman's natural inclination to stay away from masculine disciplines such as science, mathematics, and vigorous sports was not sufficient to overcome the side effects of such inappropriate involvement, as described in the Clinical Handbook of Psychological Disorders.  For example, "The percentage of the female brain dedicated to rational thought is far smaller than that equipped to handle whimsy, seduction, cooking, and other feminine matters.  Extended overuse of such a small area can cause it to burn out as though one were to try to use a AAA battery to run a refrigerator."

The unfortunate Ms. Bishop appears to have been a victim of our rush to fill the vacuum left by so many men deserting the fields of mathematics and science to find careers in the NFL, NBA, and Rock and Roll.  Many so-called progressives in certain backward societies, such as China and Europe, argue that not using the brainpower of women is tantamount to wasting one half of a society's potential.  If the brainpower they are talking about is women's power to deal with scientific and other rational problems, most neuroscientists would agree that it is more like wasting 5%.  Not "wasting" that 5% will throw many women into situations so demanding that they will burn out like Amy Bishop did or worse.  Who then knows how many innocent men will be shot and how many will suffer from not having someone to cook for them?  These women, now truly wasted, will not be available to tend to the needs of men, who, with a little feminine help, could have made important contributions in fields like intelligent design and fantasy football, allowing America to maintain its preeminence in the world. 

Democrats, seemingly blind to this problem, continue to waste America's resources on voodoo science like global warming and toxicology.  Those of us more inclined to rationally evaluate the evidence are far more willing to trust the former to God and the latter to Monsanto, where they belong.  Let us concentrate our rational powers on fine-tuning the most intelligently designed society in an intelligently designed world.  Some ask me, "Eeborg, why do you believe in intelligent design, when it can't be disproved?" I answer, "Who do you think I am, Karl Popper?  If it can't be disproved, then obviously it's true.  If science were a matter of trial and error, we'd be making mistakes all the time.  We've taken the error out of science by removing the possibility of the falsification of our propositions. Let Karl go back to his friend Orville Redenbacher and leave the science to us.  What we assert no man can disprove."

The backward countries do not believe this and are even accelerating their headlong rush into so-called science like global warming, which is open to falsification.  Why waste so much in the pursuit of something that might not even exist?  They will feel like such fools if it turns out that the world is not heating up and those Pacific islands are really sinking because so much water actually is freezing and expanding, causing the sea level to rise as giant, unseen ice cubes proliferate under our proverbial noses.  Oh, well; it's their decision.

Having decided to immerse ourselves in unfalsifiable reality and pragmatism, one thing many of us true heartland Americans are coming to believe is that we have much to learn from our Islamic brethren.  We can't disprove what they believe just as they can't disprove what we believe, and obviously, we can't both be wrong.  So, we are equally scientific and should look at where our ground is common.  Let us return to the issue of women.

The well-known author and fallen Islamic princess, Jacqueline Pascarl, finally has let us know what women want, explaining, "I learnt that the primary reason women are required by Islamic societies (the majority of which are patriarchal) to swathe themselves in fabrics and cover their collar bones, necks, arms, legs, ankles, calves, chests, elbows, shoulders, throats, thighs, ears, napes of necks, hair and in some cases, faces, is that women are culturally condemned to the role of seductress and are considered untrustworthy, immoral humans, driven to tempt men and bring down the bastions of male self-control. The fine shape of an ankle, or a tendril of hair – a glimpse of which can send a mere male into a sexual frenzy, are the tools of seduction.  In essence and to outline it crudely – the veil, much lauded by so called Islamic teachings, is a protection for men against we voracious vixens of the mortal world. Not, as so many pundits state, a protection for women against men."

If American men had been aware of the intentions of the voracious vixens among us, we no doubt would have tried to cover them up to prevent the persistently recurring sexual frenzy that plagues us.  We might have been spared many sad episodes, such as those involving Tiger Woods, Warren Beatty, Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich and Woody Allen, strong men, all of whom succumbed to immoral, voracious vixens in their midsts.  And if, in addition, a liberal and unreasonably demanding society had not tricked women into the study of unsuitable subjects, Amy Bishop wouldn't have cracked under the pressure of brain strain and the embarrassing exposure of her body and mind.

It is not too late to act.  Before it becomes necessary to pass laws governing the behavior of women, let's see if they can't restrain themselves.  They should allow men to concentrate on science and other masculine pursuits while they engage in what is safe for them to do without excessively taxing their brains.  While engaged in feminine, frivolous pursuits, women should be considerate enough to cover up as much of their bodies as possible so that we men, who remain so feebly vulnerable to the charms that God gave them, may concentrate on the real work that will keep America the greatest civilization the universe ever has seen.

A Tiger Woods Exclusive

By far the biggest story of the century took an unexpectedly expected turn yesterday when Tiger Woods made a public apology, openly admitting that he had engaged in multiple extramarital affairs.  Even though the women in the audience refused to wear the burkhas they were offered, Mr. Woods admirably restrained himself, mopped his brow, and said everything he was supposed to.  He surprised some in the audience by taking full blame for his actions, until we realized it was just a little levity to lighten the atmosphere, a deft touch, demonstrating again why women find this tiger irresistible.

Here is a man who repeatedly has shown that he can hit a small, dimpled ball fewer times than anybody else in the world and still get it in as many holes as anyone.  From an early age, he incessantly has practiced in order to groove a precision stroke that will be of service to him in any situation.  All that effort paid off.  Why does it surprise anyone that he would attempt to do the same thing in other areas of his life?  I've yet to hear one person suggest that this fine specimen of American manhood actually might have engaged in all of the recent, maligned, strenuous activity in order to more perfectly satisfy his wife.  Practice does make perfect.  Just a suggestion.

Not everyone has bad things to say about Mr. Woods.  Here is a representative sampling of what some very important people had to say:   

Nike president Phil Knight: "We wouldn't even consider dropping him.  This is great for our shoes.  What does it say about our shoes that if you wear them you can get out of a golf cart, hit a ball, get back in the cart, drive to the ball, get out, hit the ball, ad infinitum, ad nauseam.  Now people will think, 'Wow I'm gonna get me some of these shoes and chase down all kinds of pussy just like Tiger.'  Go get'm Tiger.  We couldn't have scripted it any better."

Britney Spears: "How come he never hit on me?"

Bill Clinton: "Don't look at me.  I did not have sex with these women.............Define sex."

Newt Gingrich: "Cheating on a hot babe like Elin?  When she wasn't even in the hospital?  It's immoral."

Jaimee Grubbs: "He's got nothing to apologize for.  I was on 'Tool Academy.'  I had to know how tools worked.  He showed me how his worked.  No big deal."

Sicilian-born Playboy model Loredana Jolie Ferriolo, known as Woods' mistress number 10:  "He was just going to show me how to play golf.  I thought he said 'HOLE number 10.'  My Uncle Vito is not happy about this."

These mostly unpaid testimonials demonstrate clearly that this issue is not black and white, as the majority of Americans can see.  We are aware that Tiger Woods, along with our big stash of nuclear weapons, is the main thing we have going for us nowadays.  With Tiger around, foreigners, instead of calling us 'The Great Satan,' are as likely to say, 'Ah, America, the Land of Tiger.'  Those of us who wish to see the United States remain part of the world agree that we should not give up on our Tiger.  That would leave us only with the nukes, inspiring fear among our earthly neighbors instead of the love that we so ardently crave.  We want to be able to say, "Y'all like us.  You really like us."

So we were happy to see that an HCD research survey showed that 61 percent of women and 58 percent of men thought Tiger's apology was sincere.  The percentage of women probably is meaningful since 27 percent of them not only knew him, but also had sex with him.  As one of them said, "To know know know him is to love love love him."   Statisticians think that the percentage of men willing to forgive him actually is higher than 58 percent because many men are still miffed about the whole to-do.  Tiger's recent actions only heightened our awareness of our own pathetic lack of money, power, and concomitant sex appeal.  But most of us should get over it.  I know I am trying.

In conclusion, here is an abridged version of Tiger's apology.  I will be surprised if you are not touched and more than willing to forgive him:

"I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in....

"I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish.  Ask any married man.  They would be able to tell you....

"People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife, Erin.  I didn't do them to her.  I did them to other women....

"Some people have speculated that Ella somehow hurt or attacked me with a drumstick on Thanksgiving night.  This couldn't have been true because, incompetent cook that she is, she burnt the turkey, and I had to throw it out....

"My wife Elise has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. She deserves praise, though not for her sexual prowess....

"I knew my actions were wrong but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply.  And they didn't.  It's just that Eva made a scene and I got caught.  Unfortunate....

"I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me.  Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them, and they will still be there when things get back to normal.  I don't rule out that it will be this year."